Handling different levels of being laid back

[Markb123]

The subject text is probably rubbish, couldn't think of how to word it. To summarise:

My DP and I each have children from our previous marriages. She has 1, I have 3. Something came up a few weeks back where I will have mine some of the half term, but she isn't having her son then (ideally we coincide, but occasionally stuff happens). When she heard this she said "it's okay I'll work away, I can't be here when only your kids are here I'll feel guilty and my DS will feel left out".

So I'll probably go away with my kids to see family then. Anyhow, today she's had some things through with work which means she's rearranged some of her DS time at the weekends which will mean he is here when mine aren't (we have them the same weekends usually).

Now here's the thing, I really don't mind having DSS around on his own, it's fine. But now I'm stressing, should I actually be saying that I'll go stay somewhere else (like she would say given the opposite)? Am i too laid back? Am i a mug? Am I not thinking of my DC feelings (will they get jealous?)? What do others do in this difference of opinion thing?

[PollytheDolly]

What a load of faffing twaddle. Seriously, she can't mix and match and get on with it? One of you goes away?

I'm confused.

[Markb123]

I'm confused too, basically yes if only my kids are around, she won't be there.

[Markb123]

So if only her DS is there, should I do the same?

[TheNaze73]

I'm lost

[Markb123]

Maybe I should just delete this thread then if no one understands it, how do I do that?

[tooclosetocall]

Why go away? You live in your own home right? I think she's odd wanting to go away and you thinking you need to jump on that bandwagon too
The children will think they're not liked very much if you both keep avoiding each other's DC without your own children present.
Have you spoken to your partner about this?

[pocketsaviour]

" I can't be here when only your kids are here I'll feel guilty and my DS will feel left out"

I don't really understand this. Feel guilty about what? Does her DS have SN, is he very jealous?

[KatharinaRosalie]

Honestly that's really odd for a partner to leave their home because their stepkids are coming over and they don't think it's fair to their own child to be there. Never heard of this before.

[PollytheDolly]

Don't delete OP. Think this needs sorting.

She is being weird and no, don't do the same. Family is family, right?

I just don't get her thinking on this.

[TwitterQueen1]

Why are you living together when you haven't sorted such basic stuff? How are you a 'blended family' if you're all avoiding each other? Crazy.

[BaronessBomburst]

Why is she avoiding your children?
That's what's odd.

[Markb123]

I'm glad people think it's odd, I feel like it's odd. I think it's that my 3, bring that there are 3, require a fair amount of attention, which she is happy to give usually, but then she comes out with comments like she's going away if they stay over and I get confused

[PollytheDolly]

How long have you been together?

[Markb123]

A year and a half.

[PollytheDolly]

You need to sit down with her and discuss this. It's too fragmented to work over the long term.

[Markb123]

twitterqueen1 I seem to often get asked on the threads why we are living together when we haven't sorted this kind of thing. It's difficult though, right?

[CatBallou2]

How old is your DP's DS? Maybe he gives her a difficult time when he feels left out, and she can't handle that?

I think you'll have to ask, why she feels the need to be absent when it's just your DC's present, without her DS?

[Markb123]

When I asked she says she felt guilty that she was spending time with my DCs but not hers

[Markb123]

My DSS is not overly jealous type actually. He is an only child so I thought he might have trouble sharing but he's actually fantastic, probably better than mine.

DP though always stresses that he gets divided attention now, and he's not used to it, and he's not used to having things he needs to share etc. That's her issue though because as I said DSS is actually perfectly fine and enjoys having his siblings now

[Markb123]

DSS is 8

[PollytheDolly]

She's being daft. Sounds like her DS is loving having an extended family. She should not project her fears onto this situation and spoil it.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Maybe it's something like her DS feels a bit outnumbered and it's anxiety about his mother ie there won't be enough love to go round.

Or, throws idea into the ring has her ex said something to stir up trouble?

Or, stretching somewhat and less likely, does she worry an innocent remark about time spent together to their mum by your children might see her judged somehow by your ex?

[CatBallou2]

I wonder if your DSS behaves differently to what he's actually saying to his DM about everything? Just a thought, as things aren't always as they seem.

Your DP's feeling of guilt has to be based on something that's been said, otherwise I think she's being a bit silly.

[Markb123]

DSS is 8

[Markb123]

The Exs both sides (mine and hers) are causing all sorts of grief over us, her ExH in particular always saying that DSS is going to see her and therefore why should I take him somewhere without her (if I take the boys to the shops on my own for instance)