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Struggling being married

(15 Posts)
AnxiousLizzy Tue 17-Jan-17 10:15:13

Married for 10 years, been together about 13. One child in primary. Husband works ridiculous long hours 10 hours a day which increases to about 16 hours at various times of the year and about 12 weekends a year, in a highly stressful and highly paid job. He hates it and has done for a number of years and is trying to find another job. Job is quite specialised so its not easy. I'm a SAHM, career was no big deal but I could easily (maybe) find an office/PA type job just not on my previous salary.

I'm not sure I still love my husband. I do all the house/child stuff and he lives as though our home is hotel. He may put a dish in the dishwasher and he may put together some cheese and crackers on late working nights. During a non working weekend he will mow the lawn and taking the rubbish out is split 50/50. Sex is non existent unless I'm ovulating and quite frankly I could go with out sex. He struggles to become aroused and stay hard and always has done. This has made me precious about sex so I try to not to or say anything that will put him off. His mind easily wonders onto problems of the day blah blah. We have separate beds - which I like as he doesn't wake me up when coming home late.

I just don't think I love him anymore, I think that this is it and actually its ok but we are friends not lovers. We haven't been out together since our child was born. We do go out as a family as much as possible and this includes pub lunches etc. I bought my own Christmas presents because December January is really busy time for him and he would not get round it. We went on a beach holiday at Christmas because I took advantage of him being super pissed off with work and I knew that if we didn't book to be away he would work all the days expect the 2 bank holidays.

I'm just feeling very down about us as a couple. He complained before Christmas that I was not very tactile and although I took it on board and tried to be more touchy feely its petered off now I'm not seeing him for more than 5 mins at a time. When he made an effort to come home early on Sunday I felt guilty for wishing he'd stayed at work as I'd planned my TV and wine.

I think I'm mainly struggling with my own feeling towards him and the lack of an independence on my part. I'm thinking a counsellor but to be honest I struggle to articulate what's wrong. I hear myself nagging so I've stopped talking to him. I talk about our son and that's it.

Can anyone relate and tell me this is fixable?

mrssapphirebright Tue 17-Jan-17 10:36:58

From what you have said my gut tell me this is fixable, but you would both have to accept there was a problem and want help to get you both back on track.

xStefx Tue 17-Jan-17 10:43:13

Not knowing your whole situation, but I would also say this is fixable and sounds like classic " Stuck in a rutt, mundane life"- type thing.

Its hard to remember why you first loved someone when you share responsibilities. Like you said you never go out together (just the two of you) so do it and see if you enjoy it.

Ive been with my partner for 7 years and have a 5 year old with him and sometimes we get into a rutt where we both become a bit bored with life. Luckily we tend to realise and change things round a bit or do something different. I think he needs to realise your struggling though as it takes two to make the relationship happy.

pallasathena Tue 17-Jan-17 10:51:12

Yes, its fixable if you accept that life is never perfect.
You sound totally fed up, miserable as sin and totally dissatisfied with life. As a consequence, you're obsessing negatively about your relationship and over thinking things.
Maybe, you just have too much time on your hands and you need to find another outlet for yourself. I notice you say you could get a job but you don't sound particularly minded to do so.
The sub text of your post reeks of selfishness o/p. There's not an ounce of gratitude in your post. Your husband works long hours in a job he hates, brings home an above average income allowing you to stay at home with a primary aged child.
Time to count your blessings, support your husband and work on changing your attitude perhaps.

TheNaze73 Tue 17-Jan-17 10:54:30

You both sound a bit ungrateful of each other.

Definitely fixable though

DonaldStott Tue 17-Jan-17 11:00:01

Yes I can realte. In fact, apart from husband working long hours bit, could have been my marriage a few years ago. Tbh, the problems started to set in after having our child. He didn't pull his weight with regards when dc was a baby. I did everything cos I 'knew what I was doing'. Resentment built up. We ended up doing our own things, living in the same house. The marraige was over to me and I was prepared to end it, with the feeling that there had to be more to life than this.

We went for counselling and got back on track. Learning to appreciate each other again.

A few years on and our marriage is stronger than ever.

Give counselling a go. I'm not saying it was a quick fix, but it gave us a space to speak and voice our concerns and work on these.

wizzywig Tue 17-Jan-17 11:03:49

Yes im in a similar situation. I found that when i got bored of the state of play and starting getting out the house, working etc then it created even more distance between us. Because now i really can imagine life without him. Its no existance really

Cakingbad Tue 17-Jan-17 11:06:08

Could your marital problems stem from him being superstressed and you being really bored. Maybe it's time for some dramatic changes to your lifestyle. Full time job for you? Part time job for him? Just talking it over might be fun.

Lesley1980 Tue 17-Jan-17 11:07:33

I think the problem is your husband works suck long hours that your relationship is non existent & you feel unloved & a bit worthless. I'm sure you have a lovely house, nice things & probably a life most people would love but if you don't feel loved it doesn't matter. Having to buy your own gift is such a petty thing but I bet it adds to your feelings of being uncared for. The other thing is with him working so much & you doing everything I bet you feel like you don't need him? You are so used to being alone you feel he intrudes in your life.

I think you & your husband somehow need to find time for one another again. Start trying to be a couple instead of two people existing in the same house. I think counselling could help. You booked the Xmas break because you wanted him not to work all Xmas so you do want to salvage something. I also think you need to find some other purpose like work or volunteering.

You said you only have sex when you are ovulating so are you trying to have a baby despite being so unhappy?

Neither of you are having much fun just now & I bet some of his problems are because of his long hours in a job he hates.

Cakingbad Tue 17-Jan-17 11:07:44

16 hours a day at work is mental.

offside Tue 17-Jan-17 11:14:36

Don't throw away your marriage for something that can probably be fixed by communicating your problems with each other.

Could your afford for your DH to take a completely different job but with less pay? Being miserable in work does have a knock on effect, and it can't be easy for him working all those hours in a job he doesn't like.

I also think you need to find time to spend together as a couple. If you don't have a babysitter, could you maybe have a date night at home, tv/phone/computers off, nice meal or takeaway and just sit down without any distractions. Try to connect again. Maybe do that once a fortnight or even once a month at first starting with your DH making sure his out of office goes on 6 or 7 latest and doesn't log back on until the next morning. He'll probably feel better for it too.

I think it'll take lots small steps but it's definitely fixable.

Frankelly66 Tue 17-Jan-17 11:20:42

I'm not knocking you bring SAHM, but in MY opinion, I think as a SAHM you are accepting to do all the chores etc. it becomes your job. If I was working full time (and definitely his hours) and my partner was at home (I am in no way devaluing your role as full time mum), I would expect it to be like a hotel. I'm not saying rights or wrong but I would imagine that's how he feels too. I think if you could go back to work part time, you'd be so much happier , feel independent, your own life, and he can work less hours and have less pressure. I think you will both become happier. Some people can do SAHM well, some can't. I'd go insane, I love working. Focus on yourself then focus on where you are at with your marriage !

MoosicalDaisy Tue 17-Jan-17 11:51:37

Yes I can relate, and well done to you for sticking it out for so long! When my DH was in a similar situation to yours, life was hard as we barely saw eachother and we slowly lost respect and appreciation for one another.

I believe, even though he was looking for another job for good reason, he was anxious about changing and needed encouragement/support. I think you're not feeling independant because you have to plan your spare time around his hours and your LO. And I can imagine this time is inconsistent, which ours was, and this didn't help, routine is nice and you can plan ahead obviously!

It's great to hear he's trying on his side too - this means yes, it is fixable! My advice is that you both NEED to get him out of that job and into a new one. Can he book time off and dedicate those hours to getting something new? I believe this will change things immensely, and you can both go from there. Once you're into a new routine where he doesn't work all hours, and he's back home at the same time each day every day and hopefully not working weekends, your feelings towards eachother and other things will change for the better.

It was almost an overnight change for my DH and things have never been better!

AnxiousLizzy Tue 17-Jan-17 13:15:07

Thank you everyone for your input. I was really worried to come back to this thread as I know I sound selfish and I worried about being slated for being SAHM. I do some voluntary work a couple of mornings a week and I am in the process of re-starting a business I let go about 10 years ago. Not going to bring in mega bucks but will get me doing something I enjoy and fill up a little of my CV.

My husband has been looking for a new job for a couple of years but only in the last 6 months have we sat down and made sure he's doing it to the best of abilities - CV not old fashioned, dressed for the job you want not the one you're in, researching companies, practicing interviews, asking friends for openings or ideas for suitable companies. When he doesn't get offered the job my heart breaks for him and genuinely feel it is the companies loss..

So, once I'd read your messages I realised that I do want to save our marriage. I think when I wrote my post this morning I was feeling like there was no hope - yes dramatic I know. It seems that I've talked a lot about our marriage but never say what I want to say because complaining you don't see your husband every night or get to go for date night with him sounds bloody ridiculous.

I'm going to wait until February when he stops working weekends and organise a babysitter for a couple of hours, take him out for drink and lightly broach the subject that we need to work on us.

lurkingnonparent Wed 18-Jan-17 14:46:16

So glad you're willing to give this another go.

I'm the one in our marriage at the moment who is working all hours (career change) and I'm often away. I know it is not easy for my dh. I've actually just booked a cleaner to try and do some of the work I can't do at home - we normally share all chores as we both work full time but obviously if I'm not in the house I can't help at all but I don't want him to feel he should just pick up the slack and any time off is precious.

Your dh is probably exhausted and unhappy and you sound unhappy too. But you can change this. Actively helping and encouraging him to change his job, talking about you taking on more responsibilities so he can have less and reevaluating your life AS A TEAM will all help. Remember, you are a team and a family and you should think about what you want your life as a team to feel like. Best of luck.

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