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No contact since New Year's Day. Struggling

(210 Posts)
onmybroomstick Mon 16-Jan-17 23:02:29

Amazing Christmas together in his flat. Bought me watch, handbag, books, pjs, slippers, chocs, perfume, smellies. Spent Xmas night, Boxing Day night, the 28th and New Year's Eve together. Come home New Year's Day, not a peep since. I've had a birthday in this time, didn't even receive a happy birthday message. The day after my birthday I messaged like a crazed idiot telling him how hurt and upset I was, admittedly sent far too many messages but I lost my mind watching him read and ignore all my messages. Eventually I got one reply telling me to leave him alone, so I have. Now I am really missing him, no idea what I've done wrong. He has had form for this and did it the same time last year. I'm so confused and feel so rubbish about myself that he's treating me this way. Why wouldn't I deserve an explanation. We usually talk everyday several times. Think I'm writing here to stop me reaching out to him again, just to be rejected as I'm struggling to switch off tonight, he's taking over my head again. I wish I could just forget him yet with no answers I don't feel like I ever will..

BadToTheBone Mon 16-Jan-17 23:04:46

You say he has form for this, when he did it last year, was that to you? If so, you're well rid. No one should make you feel so shit and be taken back, twice!

LineyReborn Mon 16-Jan-17 23:07:41

Have you not been round?

onmybroomstick Mon 16-Jan-17 23:12:31

Yes it was to me just after Christmas last year. He won't acknowledge a message or phone call he certainly won't buzz me in to his flat. He probably the most stubborn n selfish man I've ever met. Yes I know I'm better off out if it but it's not making me feel any better or miss him any less. Ahhh that's made me feel even worse about myself sounding so pathetic

Thingymaboob Mon 16-Jan-17 23:15:55

No good can come from you contacting him. He has treated you like dirt.
Sounds like he is "ghosting" you.
Ignoring you like this is quite emotionally abusive.
Well rid. Call a good friend and tell them what's happened and text them every time you want to text him.
Been through this myself.
When I initially got together with my dh, he told he told me that he wasn't interested in anything serious and wanted to keep it casual. I knew from past experience that I would always end up miserable. I quite simply told him that if that's how he felt, I didn't ever want to see him again because I liked him and respected myself. He then quickly changed his tune. I took back the power and assessed what I wanted and if I wasn't going to get what I wanted I didn't want anything at all. Now we are married.
Do you want to be completely powerless and in a relationship where someone plays mind games with you & doesn't respect you? He sounds really awful.

Empress13 Mon 16-Jan-17 23:16:28

So what did he say last time when he ditched you?

Is there a chance he's met someone else and will come crawling back?

TBH you are well rid - think of if as a lucky escape and move on.

Thingymaboob Mon 16-Jan-17 23:18:37

Before I stood up for what I wanted, I had countless relationships and flings which ended badly. I didn't respect myself, so how can anyone else respect me?

SandyY2K Mon 16-Jan-17 23:20:12

Someone who cared for or respected you wouldn't treat you like this. In life, there are good people and then there are some idiots, who will treat you like crap if you let them.

Forget deserving an explanation from him, you deserve better than him.

He's done it before and if you let him back further down the line, he'll do it again.

It sounds like he uses you as and when it suits him.
Only youcan stop that happening.

onmybroomstick Mon 16-Jan-17 23:28:53

He is awful i know he is. I don't understand why I want him so bad other than the pathetic excuse of I love him, yet i don't know why. He can get in a sulk and ignore me for a night all the time and then just carries on the next day as normal.

He's drilled in to me no one else will ever want me, I'm fat with too much baggage (size 10, 30, 2 children) I genuinely feel that he's right and no one will see anything appealing about me. He makes me so happy when he's being ok and we've done so much stuff together in the last 3 years it's hard to not think about him. When he's not ok he completely destroys me and he knows it.

The last time he did this I cried and begged and then left him the same as I have now and a couple of months later he messaged me saying I had left some stuff in the flat and he'd bagged it up, asked me to go collect it off his balcony. I drove round and took the bag off the balcony and drove home without even trying to talk to him or see him. It was a bin bag full of stuff he'd bought for me just because "I deserved it"

I was daft and went weak at the knees as he clearly knew i would and basically fell straight back in to his arms only to find myself in the same place exactly a year later

Only1scoop Mon 16-Jan-17 23:33:25

Were your DC there with you over the Christmases? He sounds awful, you've been together some time?

onmybroomstick Mon 16-Jan-17 23:33:32

It's such a confusing place to be when my head is telling me stay away now for good but my hearts desperate for him to come back. I have been texting friends everytime I want to talk to him but I thought some harsh words off mumsnet would do me some good. I am doing the best I've ever done so far tho in regards to not contacting him. Scares me slightly though that it will just encourage him to reappear sooner as he's not getting the attention he wants and I don't think I'm quite strong enough yet to not respond and fall back in to his games.

Thingymaboob Mon 16-Jan-17 23:33:33

You're a size 10, you have 2 children and you're 30?
You've got your whole life ahead of you.
This guy sounds like he's emotionally abusive. Awful. Would you want your daughter to be treated like this? Would you want your son to treat someone like this?

Thingymaboob Mon 16-Jan-17 23:35:58

He didn't even wish you happy birthday!

onmybroomstick Mon 16-Jan-17 23:36:52

We've been together over 3 years now. Last two Xmas were amazing and he spoils me so much no one has ever bought me anything like he does which just confuses me more. He's always taking me away. Dcs aren't involved with him, I suppose I kind of live two separate lives, me and the children and then me and him when dcs are at their dads

Thingymaboob Mon 16-Jan-17 23:40:51

Gifts mean nothing! Men buy women gifts all the time when they've done something wrong. It's only the illusion of spoiling you. Who gives a toss if he buys you pyjamas? - you can buy your own pyjamas! Take the gifts, bag them up and take them to a charity shop. He obviously feels like he can buy your affection.

onmybroomstick Mon 16-Jan-17 23:43:41

I wouldn't want anyone at all to be treated this way. I know I'm a good person and I'd do anything for him and always have I just can't get my head around why he has to do this. Nobody deserves to feel the way he can make me feel about myself yet i still can't bring myself to hate him. I want him back but I don't at all, my head is a mess

Thingymaboob Mon 16-Jan-17 23:44:47

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

onmybroomstick Mon 16-Jan-17 23:45:07

I know just why all the effort over Xmas to just walk away it's such a head fuck

Thingymaboob Mon 16-Jan-17 23:48:39

Don't agonise over a box of chocolates and a handbag. Anyone can buy presents if they have money.

http://www.lwa.org.uk/understanding-abuse/abusive-relationships/emotional-and-psychological-abuse.htm

Thingymaboob Mon 16-Jan-17 23:50:57

My ex took me to a spa, we had a lovely day, ate some nice food. Then he told me that he didn't love me and he stopped contacting me.
I was crushed but I grew stronger from it.
Buying gifts is bullshit.

onmybroomstick Mon 16-Jan-17 23:52:18

These are all making sense thank you. Tips on how to be strong enough to forget him and not cave when he reappears. At the minute as much as I don't want to I think if he contacts me I'm just going to cry and hug him 😳

Thingymaboob Mon 16-Jan-17 23:52:36

You say he's very uninvolved with your DCs - there's probably a reason for that. You know deep down that he's not in for the long haul. He's probably not the sort of father figure you want for your children.

Thingymaboob Mon 16-Jan-17 23:54:56

What are your girlfriends saying? My friends would definitely be sitting me down intervention style!

Only1scoop Mon 16-Jan-17 23:55:01

3 years....and you put up with this? How do you see your future with him?

Www.baggagereclaim.co.uk. Seriously, go there and read everything.

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