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My dd's relationship with her dad

(13 Posts)
newstartamiready Mon 16-Jan-17 21:38:42

So my dd is 9, I was with her dad for 3 1/2 years before I got pregnant, when I was pregnant I found out he was having another relationship with someone else before my pregnancy and during. But we still tried again afterwards a few times, we finally broke up when my dd was 3. He saw her sometimes and sometimes didn't. over the last two years he really hasn't bothered. He says he is coming to see her then doesn't show up! I have checked over my messages in the last year he has seen her exactly 3 times! He has cancelled or just not shown up 10 times! I have cancelled once! Bearing this is mind and all the hurt he has caused my dd I am wondering if it may be better to tell him he cannot see her anymore. He doesn't seem to care, he constantly lets her down, he doesn't contribute in anyway to her life and he is very messed up! I feel that as she gets older having him in her life could be more damaging than good.

But on the other hand I also find it hard to completely break contact as I know she loves the idea of a "daddy" but I also know he isn't a daddy is is basically a sperm donar and a head fuck!

I just want to make the best decision for my dd in the circumstances! What would you do? How can I help my dd the most as right now I can't see him bringing anything positive to her life!

PaterPower Mon 16-Jan-17 22:52:15

It's going to be difficult for you to stop him having any contact at all. If you try to do it unilaterally he'll just go to court and (at a minimum) they'll give him eow and possibly a weekday night.

I don't understand why some men do this. I spent thousands to try and keep the 50:50 contact I had with my two, and now drive hundreds of miles to pick them up on the very few days the court was gracious enough to concede. He's a dick if you've not been stopping him and he's just not been arsed to see her.

Hidingtonothing Tue 17-Jan-17 02:40:45

Telling him he can't see DD anymore will result in one of two things. Either he will accept it and walk away in which case she's probably not losing out on much but you could face questions and she may blame you later on or he will take you to court for contact which may (or may not) make him step up and see her regularly. You need to work out how you would deal with both eventualities before you take that step I think.

Much as I understand you wanting to sort this once and for all could you approach the current situation from a different angle instead of cutting contact completely? Would it work to not tell your DD in advance that he's coming to see her, at least then she wouldn't be disappointed if he's a no show but no one could ever say you stopped him having contact with her.

It's obvious you have your DD's best interests at heart and I get that you are the one having to pick up the pieces when he lets her down, I just think maybe something less final leaves the door open if he ever decides to grow up and be a decent dad.

SandyY2K Tue 17-Jan-17 07:34:46

I think because of him being so unreliable, don't tell her when he's coming, otherwise she'll get her hopes up. When he comes, he sees her and she's not left waiting for him.

When she's older, she can arrange contact directly with him and she'll decide for herself if she can be bothered with an unreliable dad.

Have you told him how disappointed she gets when he doesn't show up?

AutumnRose1988 Tue 17-Jan-17 07:38:10

Don't do anything concrete and sounds like this chap could be easily phased out...basically he sounds like he could be given enough rope to hang himself. Start to withdraw your efforts to set up meetings and if he tries, like another person suggested, arrange the meeting but don't tell your daughter in case he doesn't show and don't make it hard for him if he doesn't show. Be uber understanding and the shitbag will find it easier to be less in her life and gradually fade away. I know it sounds harsh but he sounds like a collosal waste of space. Leave the door open for him but why make the effort for him to just mess up and hurt your dd's feelings?

newstartamiready Tue 17-Jan-17 10:31:02

Pater - I doubt he would bother to go to court! He is allowed to see her at the moment and can't be bothered! He is a looser! He lives 20mins away on the bus and can't be bothered to get a bus here! Once he agreed to come on a Sunday at 3 or 4 pm he later text saying he can't make it as it's too late in the day for him hmm it's only 20mins away! I would travel anywhere in the world to see my dd.

It seems like as there is no interest in a relationship with me he also now has no interest in dd as the only times he did see her was when he still thought he had a change for us to get back together!

newstartamiready Tue 17-Jan-17 10:38:46

Hiding - I do try not to let dd know he's coming but he messages her and says I will ask mummy if I can see you this week etc! She then asks me if I have heard from him and even tho I have arranged a day I say oh he might come on x day I haven't heard back yet!

Also even if she doesn't know a day has been arranged she still gets sad around xmas / birthday / Father's Day as she expects to see him and he messages her saying he will bring a present and then never comes sadsad last year she got an xmas present from him in February! And honestly it's not about the material things my dd has so much and doesn't need his gifts but it's the point of it! It's not nice to be promised to see her dad and get a gift 'this week' then he doesn't turn up for months!

Also not last year but the year before we are aged for him to have dd for Father's Day, we got him a little gift and she made a lovely card! I tried calling him but he didn't answer so I took her to his house at the time agreed and he didn't answer. I think he was home but there is no way for me to know. I then took her back to my area obviously very sad so I took her out to do some ceramic painting and he called hours later saying he didn't see he missed calls and can I bring her now! My dd said no as we have plans now! Last year she made me a Father's Day card instead of her dad as she knew she wouldn't see him!

It makes me so sad writing down this information as it confirms to me more and more he really doesn't deserve anymore chances!

newstartamiready Tue 17-Jan-17 11:24:22

Sandy - I have told him how disappointed she gets but he either says sorry or blames it on me!

Hidingtonothing Tue 17-Jan-17 12:12:18

Oh god poor DD, he really is a waste of space! Have you talked to her about why he's so unreliable at all? Sometimes it helps if DC understand that some grown ups just don't have their lives together and that this is just the way he is rather than it being any reflection on her.

I grew up without my dad and he was like a taboo subject in our house, never mentioned. It hurt me massively that he never even sent birthday or Christmas cards let alone wanted to see me and I think it would've helped if my mum had explained that it was him rather than something wrong with me. It took me til my 30's to work that out for myself with bits about him as a person I managed to pick up (mainly from my nan) over the years and piece together. I spent years thinking I must be unloveable or have done something terribly wrong when I was little to make him not want me, I think it would have really helped to know he was just a selfish man who ran away rather than facing his responsibilities.

Obviously you'd have to be careful how you word it for DD so it's age appropriate and not so critical that it turns her against him completely but from a child's perspective I think it can help to know that not all adults behave the way they should and that it's not her fault.

I really feel for you, watching DD get let down by him over and over must be incredibly hard but I think there's only so much u can do to protect her from this particular disappointment. I'm not sure stopping contact altogether will help from DD's point of view because she's still going to wonder why he doesn't come anymore and whether that's her fault even without him getting her hopes up and then letting her down. Maybe helping her to understand how he is as a person and how to deal with the way his behaviour makes her feel would be better for her.

llangennith Tue 17-Jan-17 12:22:32

Block his number from her phone.

donners312 Tue 17-Jan-17 13:06:19

my DC Father does this too and i am also struggling with is no Dad worse than a crap one.

newstartamiready Tue 17-Jan-17 14:54:21

Hiding - sorry to hear your dad was also rubbish! I have always spoken with dd about her dad and I have always tried to speak to her on the best level possible to let her know he is a looser without saying that and that it's how he is and not her fault etc! But it's still upsetting for her!

I think I will talk to her tonight about blocking him from her phone and will tell her it's because he makes her promises and won't keep them. He can still contact me to see her and I will let her know that.

Also I am worried about his behavior and how that will affect her in relationships in the future. I feel like him being unreliable is bad enough but also he's a dick when it comes to women!

Sometimes he puts pictures up of himself on whatsapp with no top on (I wouldn't do this as i wouldn't want dd to think it's ok but also I just wouldn't want to as I'm not so sad grin)

Also he then puts up pictures of him with a girlfriend that he has never discussed with dd (again if I wanted to put pictures up of me with a man my dd would have to know first)

And he doesn't pay any maintenance which doesn't bother me too much but I am considering making an application but he lies to dd and pretends he isn't working just so he doesn't have to pay so dd tells me she feels like she knows nothing about his life coz of work and the girlfriend which is true he's not being involved in her life or involving her in his! He's just so messed up sad

Hidingtonothing Tue 17-Jan-17 17:54:50

I can really see why you're tempted to just cut contact newstart and why DD feels she knows nothing about his life. I think blocking him on her phone so any contact is through you is a good idea but I wouldn't be surprised if he kicks up a fuss about it. Stick to your guns if he does, tell him you will unblock him when he's managed to stick to the arrangements for a specified time but that you're not prepared to keep having her upset by his broken promises. And yes, get a maintenance claim in asap, he has a legal and moral obligation to help support his child.

I've come to terms with my dad being a waste of space now, as an adult I understand that it's his fault rather than mine. Your DD is lucky she has you and that you're doing your best to protect her and make up for his deficiencies.

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