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unsure what to do about my ex (baby's father)

(9 Posts)
user1484599574 Mon 16-Jan-17 21:21:24

Hi everyone, I am 9 weeks pregnant with my first child and have recently come out of a long relationship with the baby's father. We split up because he became paranoid about me cheating on him, which i never did and he smashed his parents house up and was screaming in my face, so I asked a friend to pick me up at 3am because I was scared. After we split up, I found out I was pregnant. His immediate reaction was simply "abort it" and I refused to. I haven't seen him since he smashed the house up which was almost two months ago. We are both very young, and he lives with his parents and I live with mine. When his parents saw the state of their home, they pretty much banned him from talking to me, have made him change his number and block me on all social media. Although he did keep me o facebook until recently and was telling me he still loved me and that we would be together once his family calmed down. Then all of a sudden he blocked me. He has since been in contact with my stepmum, saying that he will be a father to this baby, which is great, but he has said to her that he cannot stand me and wants absolutely no contact with me until the baby arrives, and about an hour after having this conversation with her he messaged her saying I should have an abortion. I feel extremely confused and hurt, because I don't feel like I did anything wrong, and I still have masses of feelings for him. If he turns up to a scan its going to be incredibly awkward and I don't know whether to act like what he's doing is okay and just smile and bear it, or whether to just ignore him. Any advice?

silkflowers Mon 16-Jan-17 22:00:17

Why would he turn up to a scan? You haven't told him when the scans are, have you? confused I would limit contact with him and register the baby alone with your surname and his name not on the birth certificate.

stubbornstains Mon 16-Jan-17 22:02:36

Well. First of all, it's your choice whether he comes to any scans, midwife appointments, or indeed the birth. If you don't want him there, he's not there.

Secondly, I think you definitely need to keep your distance from him right now. Your ex is abusive and sounds, frankly, dangerous. From your OP it sounds doubtful that he would even be safe to be around his child.

I would concentrate on building your own life and preparing for your baby. Maybe, in time, he will be willing to talk about being involved in his child's life in a respectful and mature fashion. Maybe he won't.

One tip, though- I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate.

stubbornstains Mon 16-Jan-17 22:04:28

Also, why would his family shut you off when it was him who smashed up their house? Presumably because he told them that it was you who did it?

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Mon 16-Jan-17 22:13:26

Best thing to do about your ex right now is to cut all Contact. He isnt interested in you or the baby and is clearly not emotionally stable. Let your step mum deal with him if he shows interest. You wont have a happy family with this guy but that doesnt mean you and your child won't be a happy family on your own.

BonnyScotland Mon 16-Jan-17 22:54:16

wow.. are you sure you want to be tied to this unstable man through a child forever ??????

HeddaGarbled Tue 17-Jan-17 00:13:31

I'm sure that you haven't done anything wrong.

He sounds abusive and mentally unstable.

You will probably need to protect your child from him. If he continues to "smash" things up it is possible that social services will get involved and you could be at risk of having your child removed from you if you don't keep him out of your lives.

Try and put your feelings for him aside and think about what is healthy and safe for you and your child. If he turns up at a scan or any other appointment, the staff will stop him coming in if you ask them to. If he kicks off, he will be arrested. So you don't need to worry about things being awkward or how to behave towards him and can concentrate on your baby.

user1484599574 Tue 17-Jan-17 16:20:41

thankyou all for you advice, I really appreciate it x x x

contrary13 Wed 18-Jan-17 12:10:31

20 years ago, I could have written this post.

OP, let me give you some advice from experience. Both mine, and my DD's. Her biological father was very abusive, to the point that when I left him - not knowing that I was pregnant - I did so in genuine fear of my life. He also trashed his parents house... and blamed me. Even though I wasn't there when he did this, it was because of me apparently hmm

I found out that I was pregnant a month after I left him. My mother decided to inform him/his parents... and then had a barrage of phone calls from him dictating that I had to get an abortion, he wasn't paying for the child in any way, shape or form, blaming me for ruining his life. His parents, meanwhile, simply dictated that I wasn't allowed to get an abortion because they were Catholic (bully for them... I'm not!) and that their precious first born was just a child (he was 20) and didn't know what he'd ever done to have me ruin his life...

I had the baby. My DD. She has never - to the best of my knowledge - met her biological father. He certainly wasn't allowed anywhere near me during my pregnancy or immediately after it (my older brother stepped in and forbade it). And he's never paid a penny towards her. I raised her by myself. She had a relationship with her paternal grandparents (my mother insisted on them turning up to "meet" her when I was 14 hours post-labour and reeling with the shock still) until she was 7 years old, at which point... she simply refused to see them. Turns out that she was being sexually abused by her grandfather, whilst her grandmother was telling her that she was never going to see me again. This has only just come out in the last few weeks... but would explain a lot of her behavioural problems over the years.

Whether you choose to keep your baby, or not... it is your choice. Not theirs. Not his. Not your parents. Yours. He doesn't need to be at scans, or there when you meet the midwife. He has told you who he is. Listen to that. Learn from it.

Because as PPs have said... both you and the growing life inside of you deserve better than your ex will ever be able to provide. For either of you.

I didn't think that I could ever be a single mother. But I have a wonderful, smart, beautiful 20 year old daughter who is currently sat upstairs working on an essay for her university course and a 12 year old at school... which proves that I could. I did. I am.

Take control of your life, OP. Don't let your ex dictate to you. Don't let your parents or his do likewise.

You are worth more, baby or no baby.


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