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Mother in abusive relationship

(4 Posts)
barkinginessex Mon 16-Jan-17 19:20:36

My parents split up when I was 9 and my dad threw my mum out of the house, mum moved in with my now step dad. My dad wouldn't allow her to live in the house or for us to live with them so we lived with my dad until I was around 13. Living apart from us destroyed my mum. My brothers were older by the time my dad would allow us to live with her so I moved in with her and my step dad but it was an unhappy household. My step dad is emotionally abusive, took me years to recognise that his behaviour wasn't because he had a traumatic childhood or because of mild brain damage from a motorbike accident (these were my mums excuses for him). We walked on egg shells and his moods could be explosive. I was well and truly under his spell, constantly placating and trying to keep a calm atmosphere and my mum was the same. I had a breakdown when I was 19 and it took me moving 100 miles away to London to see just how much control he had over me. He hates both of my brothers and the rest of the family as he's jealous, visitors are not allowed and now my mum has retired I'm very concerned that she's becoming more and more isolated and is losing her way. She's incredibly kind, funny, smart and has had a hard life. My step dad is selfish, tight, rude, aggressive and racist. I have no idea what she sees in him but she had an abusive childhood too so I think she has normalised his behaviour. I just don't know what to do, I want her to leave him but I don't know how to start the conversation. We aren't allowed to phone her now as he gets jealous, I feel desperately that she needs to get away from him, does anyone have experience of this?

barkinginessex Mon 16-Jan-17 19:21:33

Sorry for lack of paragraphs, my phone has moved all of the text into one block!

Hardtokeepgoing Mon 16-Jan-17 19:26:51

You are amazing OP.
Well done for moving yourself out of this in your twenties.
There's no easy answer - would your mum come to visit you for a day or two? Or do you have any other relatives who she would stay with - aunts? You could not 'tell her' ( she wouldn't listen) but she could see people living different lives for a couple of days, may help.

barkinginessex Mon 16-Jan-17 19:46:31

Thanks for your reply. She knows that the way they live isn't normal but his behaviour has gotten worse since she retired and they moved house.
I've tried to talk to her many times but I end up upsetting her and I don't want her to feel she can't come to me or confide in me. He left her in the summer but was back again within days.
For those few days I was so happy that he was gone as I felt like I had my mum back sad.

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