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If you have grown up daughters who are married, can I ask a question please?

(66 Posts)
Krap Mon 16-Jan-17 17:23:20

I've never had a particularly close relationship with my mum and I have often wondered how on earth she managed to pop out us three kids as she is the least maternal person.
But We've muddled along, we all have kids now and she treats us all similarly.
Two of us live close by and one sibling lives a decent drive away.
Mum always bleats on that it'd be better if they were closer and how lonely they must be but my sibling knows, we all do, that she wouldn't see them any more often than she does now. After the last pester session I spoke on the phone to my sibling and they said "why the hell would I uproot my kids for so little gain, if I moved back she'd just ignore me like she does you"
My parents don't do babysitting. I ask for big things like wedding invites but no day to day stuff as they just say no. They are fully retired and literally do sweet FA. She has no hobbies. Dad goes to football but only home matches. My mum won't even walk her dogs, dad does it. She drives to the corner shop (less than 5 min walk) mid 60s. Fit, no ailments.

But. Recently my marriage broke up. I told them over two weeks ago in person. They were at best .... meh ... but did the whole ring us if you ever need anything, we'll be there.
That was the last time I spoke to them. They haven't enquired about me, the kids, my plans, my situation ..... AT ALL. They've just gone back to ignoring my existence.

What I'm asking is, what do I do? Is this common? What would you do if your daughter turned up in floods of tears and told you her world was about to implode? Could you go back to your OK magazine like she'd just told you a bit of mundane crap? I'm at a loss.
At the moment I'm just ticking the days off, currently 16, wondering if I make the first move or see just how long it takes for them to remember they have a daughter in crisis.

I'm on the brink of telling them to fuck the fuck off but the fact is, I'm soon to be a divorced single mother of multiple children.
I have good friends, who are fabulous, and am on decent terms with STBXH and in laws.

TheInternetIsForPorn Mon 16-Jan-17 17:25:59

If I called my mum to say that she'd be in the car and on the A1 heading up to be with me almost before we'd hung up.

I'm sorry your parents aren't that way inclined.

ivykaty44 Mon 16-Jan-17 17:32:25

You reap what you sow.

My dad was there for me, moral support and an ear to bend. He did the babysitting and I one point offered to pay me to go out!

Now he needs me and I'm there with him every step of the way and so are his two friends up granddaughter ( as he babysat he forged a good relationship with them)

When your do are older and need help who is going to be there for them?

ivykaty44 Mon 16-Jan-17 17:34:21

Tbh op your mum isn't fit either, she doesn't do any exserise at all. It could creep up and bite her on the bum being so inactive....

Krap Mon 16-Jan-17 17:37:15

Ivy, what part of any of my op did I put that I was a bad mother to my own children or ignored their needs hmm thanks for that. I really don't need a lecture right now.
I'm very much the opposite as I'd hate for them to have the view of me that I have of my mum.

Veterinari Mon 16-Jan-17 17:39:27

My parents are the same. They've basically ignored me through 5 years of significant upheaval and crisis.

One of them just had a significant health scare and I dropped everything to support them (and my existing sibling) through it over the last 6 months. I couldn't not. Now it's over they're back to ignoring me.

I just have to reconcile that I can't change their behaviour, only my own. So I'm behaving as well as I can. But it's hard

SpermThroughASashWindow Mon 16-Jan-17 17:40:03

I think ivykaty44 meant that one day they will regret their behaviour

SpermThroughASashWindow Mon 16-Jan-17 17:42:48

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, OP. I suppose all you can do is focus on your DCs, and make sure they feel loved and supported in a way you don't. At least you have other people who can support you. Your parents are missing out on the love and joy of their grandchildren as well as their own children.

gunnergirl Mon 16-Jan-17 17:43:58

oh dear I'd be straight round to her on the phone every day and see each other few times a week

StiffenedPleat Mon 16-Jan-17 17:45:15

Krap - You're a grown up and your parents are treating you like a grown up. They trust you to be able to sort out life post your marriage breakup. They don't want to pry. They lead separate lives. It sounds pretty healthy to me.

What is it you want them to do for you? Do you know?

HelsBels5000 Mon 16-Jan-17 17:48:35

I also totally read ivy's post as - your parents are going to have nobody there for them when they are older and unwell. It's very sad that they are so selfish.

StiffenedPleat Mon 16-Jan-17 17:49:52

"They said ring us if you need anything and we'll be there."

Krap Mon 16-Jan-17 17:51:03

Yes sorry ivy, I see that now sad

Krap Mon 16-Jan-17 17:53:17

No Stiffened, there's not wanting to pry and not giving a toss. I was took to hospital in emergency circumstances whilst pregnant and mum said she couldn't come yet as she had a pie in the oven.

Yoksha Mon 16-Jan-17 17:58:34

My mum was like yours OP. Little to no emotional support. She's dead now 4yrs. I haven't missed her.

I have 2 daughters. 36 & 34. One divorced, about to be remarried in September. The younger married too. I couldnt fathom not being there for them. It's unthinkable. If you were my Dd & delivered such sad news. Both their dad & I would be right there. They know this too. We swore before we'd had children that it would be the exact opposite of my mother. She was cold. I used to think it was me! She favoured my brother & sister over me. Even their children over mine. What a mind fuck she was come to think of it. I'm getting furious on your behalf OP.

RandomMess Mon 16-Jan-17 18:04:08

My parents don't do emotional support I am virtually N/C, I got upset once on the phone whilst splitting up with my 1st husband, my Dad hung up and I didn't here from then again for 3 months!

I struggle with relationships but I do my best to "be there" for my DC, tell them there is always a bed here for them, and yes I would be asking what I could do to help...

MycatsaPirate Mon 16-Jan-17 18:05:28

I did a similar thread not so long ago and I have chosen to distance myself from my family including one of my siblings.

I had a motorbike accident when I was 19 and the police came to the house to let my mum know. She was all 'oh dear!' (her favourite phrase) and then rang my boyfriend to go to the hospital because she was putting her food shopping away. FFS!

They won't change. Mine haven't. They just aren't really interested. They won't look after DD2 even for 2 hours and I have only asked them to look after her maybe 3 or 4 times in 5 years - she's 11 so doesn't need a huge amount of looking after!

Not spent christmas with them since DD1 was 18 months old - she's 18 now. Sister goes every year but we are never invited and they won't come here.

I've just about given up on having a relationship with my mum really. I look at the relationship I have with my own DD's and it couldn't be more different.

ChilliMum Mon 16-Jan-17 18:05:39

Not the mum but the daughter.

My mum once drove through the night to be with me because I called her in tears over practically nothing.

I had a 3 month old baby and a sinus infection with a fever. I had somehow made it through the day when dh came home from work with a fever and went straight to bed. Even though I am a grown woman I just called my mum and cried blush.

She was there by 3am and stayed for a few days until I was up and about.

I am sorry your parents are shit but if you have great friends, stbx and pil I would invest in these relationships instead.

thewookieswife Mon 16-Jan-17 18:08:20

My mother was indifferent to me too then I needed her I similar circumstances. It was just how she was.

I'm totally different to her and would do anything for my daughters - probably more so because of her weird ways .( so this is how you will probably be too ! You are strong and kind and companionate )

if you were my daughter I'd be doing everything in my power to help you and be there to support you though this crappy time !

Having gone though the same thing in my early 20's what I will say is things will improve for you - and you will come through this. There will be someone out there who will step up and be everything you want in a partner, if you want one ! There is light at the end of the tunnel - just keep going ! You will get there !
Stay positive and when you feel crappy - just think "ok so one bit of my life didn't go quite as planned - but just means I'm now totally in charge of my own destiny !'
And you are ! And you can do a fab job !! Keep smiling !

NapQueen Mon 16-Jan-17 18:08:26

My own mum, if I turned up and said I was getting divorced, would have the house rearranged so we could move in with her in a shot. I'd not take her up on it, but I know shed be there. In actions as well as words.

HyacinthsBucket Mon 16-Jan-17 18:08:53

If they've never been there for you, then in honesty that pattern isn't going to change now. What you need to concentrate on are the people that do support you, and looking after yourself. I'm a mum of 3 DDs and they are my absolute life - to be honest, DH says I'm too ready to drop everything still for them - but you can't make people into something they aren't. You know that your kids will have better, and that's the vow I made when I had mine as my mum is wonderful but also very self-absorbed. I've made peace with it now, and life's a lot easier for it. Bless you, it must really hurt though.

Megatherium Mon 16-Jan-17 18:09:09

I suspect my mother would have been similar to yours. She wasn't as bad as yours when it came to seeing us or helping out with the children, but it was all very much on her terms and we could never predict whether, when we needed help, she was going to be absolutely fine about it or turn us down flat with or without a good reason. She also didn't like to get involved too much in anything she viewed as unpleasant or difficult - she was very little support when I was having miscarriages - so I suspect she wouldn't have been much use if my marriage had broken down. When I had DC3 she went out of her way to avoid being available for help (to the extent of booking a holiday around the due date) because she didn't approve of me having a third child.

I guess you could take them up on that "If you ever need anything, ring us" offer but they're never going to offer much. If your mother can't even be bothered to walk to the shops, she's not going to volunteer to help with active children. I fear you just have to accept that they're not an option for help or support, difficult as that may be. Can your siblings help out a bit?

OhHolyFuck Mon 16-Jan-17 18:11:44

Honestly? Mine would tell me that it wasn't as bad as her divorce and that she's very ill you know and that the stress of this news might make her even more ill...guess why we're nc hmm

Op, I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time and I'm sorry that it appears your parents don't give a toss, it's hard dealing with stuff on your own and some support goes a long way, I hope there are other good people around you that you can lean on

Headofthehive55 Mon 16-Jan-17 18:13:51

I have a fab relationship with my mum. However she doesn't ring or invite herself. I ask her if I need her, specifically and give a time / date.
I don't ring my grown up daughter, I wait to be contacted.
How ever I message lots, which I think is less intrusive.

BalloonSlayer Mon 16-Jan-17 18:14:26

My Mum isn't cold and I love her very much but she has never helped with kids or been very supportive when it comes to divorces etc. She says re the kids that she "doesn't want to interfere" as apparently her Mother did and it made her very upset; personally I see this as an excuse to do bugger all with her grandchildren.

One of my sisters lives abroad and got married abroad, Mum didn't go over for the wedding, because . . . um? When DSis's DH died suddenly I had to bully Mum to go over to visit with us. She could have gone straight away to be with DSis and be at the funeral (we couldn't, I had a young baby and he didn't have a passport) but there was no way she was going to do that. She thinks DSis "understands" but she bloody doesn't. We went over as soon as we got DS's passport, and I am proud that I made DM come with us when we went because otherwise her and DSis's relationship would probably be over - she is oblivious to this! DM kept going on about how upset she was, as if everyone else wasn't . . . she had lost her son in law, and everyone, including my sister who had just lost her husband, needed to make allowances for her. hmm

But for all that she is warm and loving and I do love her loads.

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