Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What 'evidence' do you need to cite adultery in a divorce?

(29 Posts)
Passthebiscuitspls Mon 16-Jan-17 13:12:03

just that really! I've had a PI follow him (LCB) and it's confirmed to me that he is cheating, with the woman I thought it was. He stayed at her house overnight. Went out for breakfast with her and then went back in her house for an hour, then he left.
The pictures of this haven't come out though. But are pictures of them together, outside her house enough? I really don't think he will admit it to me, he's very arrogant!
Do I need to send the PI back to get more pictures? I'm presuming it's very hard to prove. But I would like to cite 'Adultery' in the divorce if I can. I obviously haven't let on that I know to him, in case I need more evidence.

kierenthecommunity Mon 16-Jan-17 13:20:04

You can only use adultery as a ground if you can prove he had sexual intercourse with her, or he admits it

But you can use him having what appears to be an inappropriate relationship with another woman as unreasonable behaviour ground, that's far easier to prove

Ellisandra Mon 16-Jan-17 13:27:08

Pictures are not enough. Adultery isn't the dating side of cheating - it's the sex, and your pictures don't prove that. There is very little acceptable evidence - a child of his born to another woman is one example.

I divorced my ex for Adultery - with prostitutes. I didn't have to name anyone or be very specific. In the box on the form I just wrote that he had had sex with prostitutes on various dates in the previous 6 months.

He could have argued, but he didn't.
If I were you, I would tell him that you know he is cheating, and tell him about the PI if he denies it.
Don't mention anything about evidence for the divorce. Then see a solicitor to get the petition drawn up and worded.
You might actually find that once you serve the papers, he doesn't argue it.

Don't name the woman - it means paperwork goes to her too, which slows everything down. It might be a card up your sleeve though, if he doesn't want her name on record - you could intimate that if he fights it, you'll name her.

But keep in my you can get rid of the fucker just as quickly with Unreasonsble Behaviour. And for that, he's allowed to say he doesn't agree but it still proceeds.

So you can put in on record as an example "Mr Arsehole regularly spent time with another woman - dinners, hotels <dates> instead of spending time with his wife, this led to the assumption of adultery".

A solicitor will help with the wording, but even if he denies it, you can get it in there grin

Good luck getting rid of this scum!

And remember that getting rid is the important bit. Admitting adultery to the court doesn't change the divorce at all. Remember that you know what he is - you don't need him to admit it or any court to stamp the paper that says it. Keep your head high.

pocketsaviour Mon 16-Jan-17 13:56:46

Rather than pictures (unless the PI is able to get up a ladder and get a snap of them having intercourse, which seems unlikely) your best bet for evidence is probably an email or text from him to her which explicitly states they have had intercourse (it has to be vaginal sex - nothing else counts as adultery, in law.)

Do you want to talk about your reasons for citing adultery? When the decree comes through, it doesn't state the reason on there, there's no public record, if that's what you're thinking of. Do you just want him to admit it for your own peace of mind?

Passthebiscuitspls Mon 16-Jan-17 14:11:18

Thanks for the replies! That's interesting.
I want to file for divorce before I tell him what I know. I now know what's been going on and I never want to go back there so what's the point in waiting, she's welcome to him!
I like the part of having her name up my sleeve and I'll use it if I need too. It would give me great satisfaction to name her. However, i think solicitors discourage this from what I've read.
I'm seeing another solicitor tomorrow, a much more aggressive one so hopefully she will set the ball rolling for me.
I think this plan is actually keeping me afloat, without thinking about all this, I would be falling apart.

Passthebiscuitspls Mon 16-Jan-17 14:14:28

pocket He is very aware of his reputation and what people think of him so I want to make it clear it's adultery as this will distress him. He's put me through an awful lot, I knew this was happening but he played a lot of mind games with me and made me feel belittled and small. My confidence has gone.

mrssapphirebright Mon 16-Jan-17 14:22:59

I doubt the evidence you have will be enough, but it doesn't really matter unless he intends to contest the divorce (which is unlikely as any solicitor will tell him that this is a waste of time and money - but it can delay the process). For a quicker divorce i'd go with unreasonble behaviour, its harder to dispute as its subjective.

No one other than you, him and your solicitors / the court will know what you have divorced him for so the adultry thing won't make a difference to his reputation. If he is worried about it then a solicitor will advise him not to worry about it pretty quick.

People are generally advised not to cite anyone else in a divorce petition as it can slow the process down. My solicitor advised me it was pointless and out of date.

My advice would be to get your ducks in a row and go for a short sharp unreasonable behaviour petition.

Passthebiscuitspls Mon 16-Jan-17 14:29:59

To be honest, it's more the principle now. The timeframe doesn't really matter so much. Obviously it's better if it's not drawn out, however, I
don't have to have it done as soon as possible!
I think I'll speak to the solicitor, get her to file and cite adultery and see what happens. He might surprise me and admit it when I tell him how much I know about her and that he's been followed. And that I've filed for divorce, he definitely isn't expecting me to do that. He's underestimated my strength, and it's coming back to me.

kierenthecommunity Mon 16-Jan-17 18:23:01

Id be surprised if any solicitor advises using the grounds of adultery. What if he denies it? You don't get your divorce.

You don't have to prove anything for unreasonable behaviour because as another poster has said it's subjective. Not that anyone would disagree with you admittedly, but as long as you say you feel it's unreasonable to live with a man who spends the night with another woman, that would be all that's needed smile

CharlieBoo Mon 16-Jan-17 19:01:35

No advice but well done you!! I wish I had your strength. God luck with it all x

PaterPower Mon 16-Jan-17 19:28:47

I went with unreasonable behaviour but cited her affair in the details bit. Didn't do anything to affect the divorce, but it pissed her off a bit and it made me feel a little less like she'd got off scott free.

I also wanted something about it on the record, so she couldn't wriggle out of it (lie through her teeth) if my kids ever ask for the truth as adults.

Petty, yes, but when you've been shat on by someone it's some sort of (admittedly fairly pathetic) compensation to feel that they've not got their own way about everything. God knows, she did on every other count.

Newbrummie Mon 16-Jan-17 20:19:09

God I wouldn't bother, just divorce him, get the best deal possible and laugh to yourself from a cruise ship

Newbrummie Mon 16-Jan-17 20:20:35

Your kids won't give a shit as adults by the way they'll have completely moved on and not care what happened

happypoobum Mon 16-Jan-17 21:49:35

You can still cite his affair in an UB petition, and name her if you like, but she wouldn't be a Co respondent in the same way as if you had an Adultery petition.

I would just go for UB and detail whatever you do have, it will be far more simple. You care too much about what people think? flowers

Passthebiscuitspls Mon 16-Jan-17 22:00:39

happy I don't genuinely care, but I know he does! And that's why I know it will affect him.
If no-ones going to ever see it or know, it shouldn't make a difference. But it weirdly does. Can I put her name in it if I go with UB? That makes me feel better. I didn't realise that. From what I've read it's frowned upon to name her if it's adultery, and a waste of time really. But I didn't realise I could name her in another way??

Passthebiscuitspls Mon 16-Jan-17 22:01:19

And charlie you'll find it! Xx

Justaboy Mon 16-Jan-17 22:07:20

In my experience the courts aren't at all bothered about who shagged whom it doesn't to come into it! She had an affair I didn't do wrong but that made no difference to the outcome. If you want to divorce him just go ahead and do it, in the end its just a big argument about who gets what and money.

PollytheDolly Mon 16-Jan-17 22:10:46

Go for unreasonable behaviour. Lying and deceit is one for sure, causing you emotional distress. Anything else he's doing which you feel is unreasonable? If you wish to share, of course flowers

PollytheDolly Mon 16-Jan-17 22:12:44

Just read the mind games and belittling...there's another.

Feelingworriednow Mon 16-Jan-17 22:50:49

I cited adultery in my divorce with no physical evidence other than I just knew. I get where you are coming from that it feels like it matters, it did to me too. He had chosen to bugger off but I got to decide the official reason. It was a small thing but it was part of me feeling like I was taking a tiny amount of control back. He didn't contest it and is now married to her!

Passthebiscuitspls Tue 17-Jan-17 13:23:11

Ok, I took your advice and went with unreasonable behaviour and cited the affair as one of the reasons!
Now to tell him!!shock

PollytheDolly Tue 17-Jan-17 13:37:21

Good!! Keep us posted.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 17-Jan-17 14:30:37

Well done.
Massive step.
I hope he takes it well grin

Newbrummie Tue 17-Jan-17 14:48:21

I wouldn't tell him ... let it be a surprise!

Passthebiscuitspls Wed 18-Jan-17 05:28:50

New I could let the letter from my solicitor just hit his inbox. But... he's got time to get his shit together then, to pull himself together. I want to see his face when I tell him I know who she is, I know he's been staying at her house, and I've already filed for divorce!
I'm the pretty little housewife sat at home who has adored him for years so he'll never think I'll divorce him! I need that moment where the realisation that he's fucked up hits him like a ton of bricks! Then, after that, I can move onto getting a new life for me and the kids, and get stronger. Xx

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: