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Is there something wrong with me

(38 Posts)
Pollyanna9 Mon 16-Jan-17 07:45:25

Went on a date Sat night.

Prior to this we’d been messaging and getting on REALLY well – kinda spookily well iykwim. Coming across as genuine, thoughtful, all good things really as well as a good sense of humour.

Come the night – all good, got on absolutely fine, had lots of fun.

He wants to see me again and I’m kinda up for it but we both were rat arsed on the night, me way so more than him, and we had quite a barmy evening however he still wants to keep on seeing me.

So this is my dilemma if you like.

I do like him – but then I like lots of people, I can get on with anyone, I can chat to anyone, dance with anyone – and then if I never saw them again it wouldn’t bother me one iota. It’s the level of ‘attachment’ at this stage from him which I guess I can’t fathom. Yes, we’d been getting on very well prior to date night, yes we largely had a very good night out on the weekend – but the level of angst when I’m expressing to him that I don’t know if we’ll see each other again seems disproportionate to how long we’ve known each other – we’ve only been texting for about a week/10 days and been out for one date. Neither of us can know if it has legs for the future anyway even if we’d had the best date ever, but it’s almost as though we’ve been together for six months and I’m now breaking it off.

And then that worries me because what if in six months, I DO want to break it off?! I’m almost worried that I’d feel trapped and unable to end it! What kind of reaction would we have then if he’s having such a strong reaction now?

Am I just not giving it a chance? Am I not giving it a chance because it was a good night out and a decent person and all that but I didn’t feel a massive spark? Have I just become frozen to the potential? Am I afraid of letting it develop? I honestly don’t know.

On the one hand I want a great big spark but at the same time am also terrified of it as I had this with my last partner and it was a terrible, terrible relationship. So I want it but I don’t want it if that makes any sense!

As I say, I got on with him great and on paper it could work well (eg in terms of distance, situation, he’s a good person etc) but I’m 90% walk away and I guess what bothers me is I feel so ambivalent.

Has anyone else experienced this?

wonderingsoul Mon 16-Jan-17 07:53:44

Is he declaring love or saying anything that makes younfeel your attached to soon?

If so run.

If you are just panicing ..tell him you need to take it slow. If he cant.. . Runnn....

What was the barny about... ya shouldnt be arfuing on your first date?

I have a feeling this is your gut screaming somethings wrong.

ChuckSnowballs Mon 16-Jan-17 07:55:00

What do you mean ' It’s the level of ‘attachment’ at this stage from him which I guess I can’t fathom.'

Can't really say without knowing this. What is he doing?

MichaelSheensNextDW Mon 16-Jan-17 08:17:14

You sound very anxious and as if you're trying to look into a crystal ball and find out what happens.
What do you mean when you say "the level of angst when I’m expressing to him that I don’t know if we’ll see each other again"?

Pollyanna9 Mon 16-Jan-17 08:37:03

I mean him - he's like 'oh I cant understand why you don't want to see me again' blah blah blah.

I'm saying that no you can't look into a crystal ball - this could be a relationship that went further and it could be one that doesn't - I get that. He seems to think it was definitely going to be something that would work and why in the heckfire aren't I on board with that? So he's the one crystal ball gazing and seeing a definite guaranteed future whilst I'm a bit more meh about it (hope that makes sense).

I think I'm concerned that he's SO into it and confident this is it, we're sorted for life - how can you know that after one piggin' date?

toyd Mon 16-Jan-17 08:56:30

So you must have told him you don't want to see him again.

CanarySong Mon 16-Jan-17 08:59:09

Well you've obviously told him you don't want to see him again?

MichaelSheensNextDW Mon 16-Jan-17 09:03:38

Hmm, he's coming across as either an anxious, immature, clingy, needy person who is already suffocating you OR a demanding, controlling, domineering twat who is basically trying to force you to accept a relationship with him.
He doesn't make sense, as you rightly point out. He doesn't yet 'know' you, so how can his strong feelings mean much.
If you're uncomfortable and finding him strange and hard work bin him off.

MichaelSheensNextDW Mon 16-Jan-17 09:05:05

Either way, he's displaying a blatant lack of respect and concern for your feelings. Suggest he gets a blow up doll?

QuodPeriitPeriit Mon 16-Jan-17 09:10:28

Seems like you're way over-analysing and making this harder than it needs to be - if things went well and you like him, why not just see him again and see how it goes? Why does there need to be these angsty, dramatic conversations about this very brief relationship?

Unless there was more to his reaction than you said it doesn't seem particularly out of the ordinary to me.

loobyloo1234 Mon 16-Jan-17 09:12:14

I think you need to stop overthinking this OP. If you don't want to see him again, don't see him?

QuodPeriitPeriit Mon 16-Jan-17 09:12:25

MichaelSheens you seem to be reading an awful lot into "Why don't you want to see me again?"

Gallavich Mon 16-Jan-17 09:15:35

Personally I'm a lot like you. I don't make attachments easily and I can break them easily with a little effort. I distrust strong initial attachments and I believe they stem from projection in order to meet an unmet need. So I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all! However, I'm perpetually single and often alone so not sure I'm necessarily right either

Twinkladdictmum Mon 16-Jan-17 09:19:54

MichaelSheen what a silly projection.

OP this bloke is not your ex. He sounds nice and like he genuinely likes you. If that throws you off, that's YOUR problem, not his.

He probably IS mystified that you have said you dont want to see him again!

As for huge sparks straightaway, that way lies trickiness because it puts you on the back foot, keener than you need to be.

I mean this in the kindest way - work in yourself. If you are overthinking like this after one date, then maybe stop dating for a bit.

Twinkladdictmum Mon 16-Jan-17 09:20:47

Gallavich However, I'm perpetually single and often alone so not sure I'm necessarily right either

^^ There is your problem. Right there.

Pollyanna9 Mon 16-Jan-17 09:21:42

I can't quite get why I'm the one over analysing!

He's the one who seems to expect a future was guaranteed from the first date, not me. His reaction has made me try and understand where that is coming from.

I'd probably be happy to see him again but the way he's been talking puts me off. I don't think for one second he's controlling etc - he saw it as a good night out (it largely was) but then I think that's where we differ because it's what he's reading into it/his expectation that seems disproportionate to how long we've been in touch!

He's not been unpleasant or bullying or whiny - he just apparently can't conceive that it might not go further than a first date - my view when I go out with someone is that a first date is just that and there's no guarantee of a second one and neither party should assume that - and if it goes great well then, all to the good, but if it's bleh or meh then it doesn't go further. Maybe he just genuinely felt a real connection with me and he feels he's really losing something? That's how it seems to be coming across.

Hence my questioning myself because I've been on first dates before and the last time again, great night out and when I didn't want to see him again he was all over the shop about it - and that just puts me right off!

toyd Mon 16-Jan-17 09:21:43

I'm not surprised this guy's confused, so am I.

springydaffs Mon 16-Jan-17 09:22:10

Doubt know if it's early morn but I'm not quite getting what you're saying. You seem to have left out a few facts. I assume bcs you're panicking?

Maybe his ardour has freaked you out. I can understand from his pov you got on SO well he can't understand why you wouldn't want to carry on. It must be quite confusing for him..

I wonder if your last relationship has made you very wary. On paper, you've had a good start, got on very well, and he's more keen than you - that's pretty ideal in my book.

Tell him to back off, tone down, you'll take it at your own pace.

Twinkladdictmum Mon 16-Jan-17 09:22:26

You know, if i was this bloke's sister, i would tell him to walk away because he's heading for hurt. sad

LesisMiserable Mon 16-Jan-17 09:22:56

You say you kind of want to see him again in one sentence ...then that you told him you didn't know if you'd see him again in another.

What you playing at OP?

Twinkladdictmum Mon 16-Jan-17 09:24:12

You are messing with his head. That isnt fair.

Pollyanna9 Mon 16-Jan-17 09:25:25

I think it's pretty simple - he's the one that's introduced the 'angst' as it's being called.

Maybe I am shooting it in the foot - or maybe there just wasn't enough there for me to want to commit to taking it further...

I agree re the instant spark thing - I'm very wary of that, believe me.

springydaffs Mon 16-Jan-17 09:28:21

So what actually happened op? Bcs you've left out his part in it - blinded by how you felt?

You're panicking. Bcs of the last relationship?

toyd Mon 16-Jan-17 09:28:47

How much commitment does another date involve? not understanding that at all.

HerOtherHalf Mon 16-Jan-17 09:29:31

Yes, there's something wrong with you - you're human. It's natural to worry about getting hurt, especially if you've been hurt before.

As you say, nobody has a crystal ball and I think all you can do is go with your gut instinct and at least ensure you go at the pace you are comfortable with. It may be that he's sincere and has very quickly developed genuine strong feelings for you. It could be that he is playing you and telling you what he thinks you want to hear. It could be that he enjoys the chase phase and will cool of noticeably afterwards.

I tend to find through observation that the faster people fall in love the faster they fall out of it but I've no science or statistics to support that, just anecdotal evidence.

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