Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How do I leave?(25 Posts)
My partner and I have 2 sons, one is 4 and one is 7 weeks.
My partner during my pregnancy changed hugely and became verbally abusive and controlling and i tried to reason with him multiple times. He convinced me that I was unwell and I began sertraline under the diagnosis of pre natal depression.
Since then I have realised it was not hormones at all but he was breaking me.
I have wanted to leave for months.
Yesterday he beat me for the first time. So badly that I am bruised and have broken a toe.
I fought back viciously but eventually gave in, in the hope that his rage would stop and he would suddenly fix it all. Ofcourse it didn't happen like that.
I want to leave him, I have no family or friends close by (live 200 miles away from them all) and really need some advice.
I'm completely financially reliant on him. We live in a private rent together and he is not going to agree to move out.
What steps do I take to leave?
I love him so greatly but never can risk this happening again.
Both our families will be heartbroken and I know his will blame me so finding it difficult to pluck up the courage and tell somebody.
Has anyone been in this position before?
I feel so useless. Honestly all I want right now is a huge hug from my mum
So very sorry, you have to leave as he may hurt your DCs next time to get at you...ring the police and they will remove him from your house, then ring Womens Aid first thing tell them how difficult it is and they will help you make a plan even if you have no money or job.....this is what they do and will help you every step.
Does he go to work tomorrow? if so can you get hold of any cash? Find all important documents ie passports (you and Dcs ) birth certificates/bank account details, tenancy agreement, any thing you can get your hands on, make copies and hide them somewhere safe, safety deposit box in your town?
Can you go to your family tomorrow?
So very very sorry op, you must be terrified, but you have no choice but to leave him as this will happen again, and he may kill you next time leaving your babies with him.
Please call the police, photograph your injuries too.....
Call the police, either when he's out or in the other room.
Do what Dragon said re yours and DCs important documents except do not photocopy and return- keep them (at the very least keep passports and bank statements if you can get them).
Stay strong OP - first step of calling police will be hard but you can do it. Use 101 if you don't feel in immediate danger ie if he's at work. xx
Please get help, OP. How are things morning? Please keep you and your DCs safe.
Hi op...l am worried about you, how are you this morning?
Phone your mum and explain what's happened. Tell her you want to come home and ask her to drive over or send you the train/bus fair urgently. You can't stay where you are after this. And there's nothing keeping you there either, is there?
Once back home you can begin to rebuild your life surrounded by people who genuinely care about you.
I'd advise keeping all your plans secret for now. Get all your documentation together in a grab bag and get out, get away.
Before you do though, I think informing the police of the attack is essential as you need to have the assault documented for future reference. He'll be taken away from the house by the police for questioning and charging giving you a window of time to get things sorted via your family.
Please, please, move away from him o/p. You and your children don't deserve to be treated like this and wankers like this partner of yours need to be held to account for their vile actions.
Thank you for your kind responses.
He is away on work until Wednesday so I have a couple days to collect things together and go.
I'm concerned about leaving things like my sons nursery, missing a GP appointment...but I suppose these are all things that can wait until I get back.
I have spoken to my mum and she knows we are coming to stay, but I have not told her the ins and outs just that I am feeling very low. I would rather tell her once we are there as she can be quite irrational.
I don't understand how things got so bad so fast
In terms of informing the police I am not sure how I feel about doing that yet.
I don't want to disrupt my children's lives with social workers/court etc.
Am I naïve to think he is safe for the children to be around?
He has never shown any signs of not being safe around them and they are his life.
You are doing the right things, you need to protect yourself and the dc's. please don't be afraid of calling the police and don't be scared of social services, be more scared of what will happen if you don't call them, social services will be more concerned if you don't remove the children as they will be considered at risk if you stay.
Go to your mums, tell her what has happened, talk things through and plan your next move.
You are naive in thinking the children are safe. It's a risk you absolutely cannot take. Abusive men will do anything to upset their victim sometimes. He could go through the children and get to you.
Please gather documents together and empty joint accounts if you have one. Is there any cash in the house you can take? Get yours and the DC's clothes together and go to your mums ASAP.
If you don't feel comfortable going to the police just yet, please write everything down. My ex beat me up naked and left me on a main road. I didn't report it immediately and my mind blanked out vital parts. One of my biggest regrets is not going to the police straight away.
Keep strong, you're with so, so much better
And if you can op, take photos of your injuries, if you decide to go to the police at a later date any evidence will help, also agree about taking any money from joint accounts.
Oh op , l am so glad to hear you are OK, l was truly frightened for you....still you are not safe yet...l know you are shocked, but it does often spiral this quickly and there is no alternative but to get away and stay away....you must know how wrong this is...no reasonable man EVER hits his partner even in a row.
Collect everything and all money you can withdraw/ change into private account, take all medicines for Dcs, precious photos and toys, keepsakes , you may not get another chance to collect these things...
Do not worry about appointments or nursery, you can always call from your mums to apologise...the ONLY thing that matters is getting you and Dcs far away for good...everything else will be sorted.
Call Womens Aid, and l would still urge you to photograph your bruises and call the Police. They will all be on your side l promise.
Please do not assume your Dcs are safe ...just think of the consequences if you were wrong and he hurt one of them....you thought you were safe once.....
I Know it is so painful to let go of your relationship but it is already destroyed sadly...by his violence.....now become your Dcs protector and fight for the best life for them.
l wish you strength
Oh gosh op your poor thing, what an evil monster he is , just wanted to say 'you can do this trust me! Iv had the same all spiralled out of control very fast and at the moment you will feel like your whole world is upside down but it won't last honestly, the hardest part is done, you've seen him for what he is and you've made the right decision to leave.
I don't know how any man can do this and I will never understand it, he is vile evil nasty, especially you've just had a baby too 💐 sadly he will not change hun he will continue to make yours & your dc's life a mysery.
Once I read he made you think you were unwell I cringed as I know the pattern believe me it's more common than one would think 'the cycle of violence the controlling your too good for him.
Get to a safe place, take time to collect your thoughts and recover, please report him they will help you and help prevent further attacks.
also be warned once he knows you've left he will try everything to get you back, it's classical behaviour he'll tell you he's sorry beg you etc etc at that point you need to stay strong and say no!
Thinking of you and wish you & your dc's a happy safe future, it will happen you are doing the right thing, stay strong x
I wouldn't say you're naive thinking the children are safe with him, but put it this way, before he beat the shit out of you did you imagine he'd do that? Probably not. He has shown that he is a violent and abusive man, and neither you or your children are safe with him. I'm glad you're going away. Take care.
Report it to the police, if not for your sake, do it for the DC's.
They may be at risk
Really feel for you OP but you have to report him, he has physically assaulted you! You will realise when you get away from him that there is nothing about him worth loving; he's a woman beater and deserves jailed.
Hope your ok. Please report to the police and insist they take photos of your injuries. Also please visit the GP as a matter of urgency and get your injuries recorded.
Please don't think that you will be disrupting your children's lives with social workers and court. It is far more disruptive and damaging to them if you stay.
He will beg you to return and he will cry and tell you how sorry he is and how good he will be. It's a script and an act. Stay away and stay strong. You are doing the best thing you ever will by leaving him.
Thank you everybody...I'm feeling okayish. Unfortunately having a newborn means sleep is so scarce that it makes everything just that little bit harder. DS1 has really been playing up and asking a lot of questions about daddy's whereabouts.
I have reported it and the police were taking him in earlier today.
He hasn't contacted me since we've been away except to say I'm weak and always run back to mummy when times get hard. I then told him I would be informing the police of the attack and blocked his number.
I don't know what's happening in that pea head but he seriously has turned into a nasty nasty piece of work.
Thank you once again everyone. X
I'm so glad you reported it and are out of the situation. You are clearly a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You knew to ask for help and got it sorted. Well done you - make sure you go for visiting through a family centre to ensure it's in a safe environment for your children when it happens. They're a great help and it'll stop you being at risk / feeling intimidated.
Well done you for reporting him to police- you've done the right thing.
Well done Op, we are all wishing you well and hoping you can get rid of him for good with only supervised contact with Dcs.
Now do NOT doubt yourself, you have done the brave and right thing for you and your Dcs, l know its difficult when Ds asks about daddy but just deflect calmly and repeat, he has everything he needs, a loving mummy and a safe home if only temporary.
You have effectively protected them, well done. Try to keep your chin up and keep going..
Join the discussion
Please login first.