Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I've done a horrible horrible thing

(180 Posts)
Crisscrossthestreet Sun 15-Jan-17 23:19:26

And the guilt is eating me from the inside out.

I've been divorced for 6 years from my ex, we have 2 children together. He's been with his wife for 3 years. We divorced because of his infidelity (not with his wife, random other women)

I split from my partner four months ago. We have 1 child together.

I was feeling so low. A second marriage down the drain. 3 children to raise on largely on my own. Ex DH came round to deliver DDs hockey stuff a few nights ago, we ended up having sex.

I feel sick with myself. Shakes and cold. I never ever ever would have though I would sleep with somebody else's husband. His wife is so lovely, such a good stepmother and it's fucking eating me up that I've done this. I know how it feels to be on the end of it and now I've done it too.

I have no excuse, I'd had half a bottle of wine but I wasn't drunk, slightly tipsy.

I have to collect the children from her tomorrow morning and I don't think I can.

I don't want to tell her. The children love her so much and would be devestated. Ex and I would never get back together again. It doesn't work between us although we have always stayed quite close friends (up until now really). I've just not answered since it happened and he's getting increasingly frantic that I'm not ok (and probably worried I'm going to tell her)

What do I do?

I was thinking just stop all contact other than DC, drop and pick up at the door etc. But how do i explain that to the kids? And his wife would know something was up to.

I fully expect to have my arse handed to me by you guys. I've done it enough times on this board myself.

Crisscrossthestreet Sun 15-Jan-17 23:21:02

Sorry didn't clarify. I had sex with my first ex husband. Not the second one.

iremembericod Sun 15-Jan-17 23:24:07

I imagine you are not the only one he's shagged behind her back.

I think you leave this one and say nothing. You will have to deal with your shame on this alone.

BarbarianMum Sun 15-Jan-17 23:24:30

Are you good at acting? I think you need to act as normally as you can in front of her and the kids, and make sure you are never alone with your ex.

Hard on you but this is one case where it is better if no-one ever knows it happened.

And sorry, but morning after pill? Std check?

Boolovessulley Sun 15-Jan-17 23:24:39

Firstly stop blaming yourself.
You are single, he is married.
If reading this correctly you've had Sex with your ex, he is your ex because he committed adultery. Now he has committed adultery on his new wife.
I wouldn't do anything at present.

Just count your lucky stars that he is your ex cos you know what a cheating bastard he is.

AddToBasket Sun 15-Jan-17 23:27:41

Oh god, this is a tough one OP.

Do not tell a soul. Don't ever talk to ex-DH. Take a step back from the wife.

And get some therapy - you need someone to talk to.

hahahaIdontgetit Sun 15-Jan-17 23:30:07

You won't be the only one, just be happy you dodged a bullet and never go there again.

Mrskeats Sun 15-Jan-17 23:30:52

I agree with the above.
You have to just act like nothing has gone on for the kids I think.
Tough situation but I can see how these things happen

Crisscrossthestreet Sun 15-Jan-17 23:33:35

He actually text me and said "I'm so fucking gutted with myself, three years of not cheating gone like that! It could only have happened with you"

It made me want to vomit I've text his wife and said I don't feel well, could she just send the DC out in the morning. I'm a coward

And yes, clearly I need some therapy for my messed up head and life

AddToBasket Sun 15-Jan-17 23:33:36

This is ex-sex and is all round awful, but it will not feel this bad forever.

You poor thing. Please talk on here or to a therapist where you can get this off your chest.

What was different about this visit?

Crisscrossthestreet Sun 15-Jan-17 23:34:37

Before anyone says this thread is quite identifying I have changed some details etc around.

HelenaGWells Sun 15-Jan-17 23:36:29

I suspect he's taken advantage of you whilst you are vulnerable. I wouldn't say anything personally. He has form but for you It's an out of character mistake made when very vulnerable. HE is the cheat and it's not like you intend a repeat performance.

I am of the mind that you are allowed an odd mistake when things are shitty. Your head isn't on straight and shit happens. It's people who knowingly keep going back to married men that piss me off. I firmly believe there's a big difference.

The other difference is that because you are a decent human being you will be living with this guilt and that is punishment in itself. Talk to your ex. Tell him it's not ok but you won't tell. Also remind him that it's NEVER happening again and suggest he keeps in his pants in future.

Also yes to std checks etc if needed.

Belleblush Sun 15-Jan-17 23:37:35

I don't think you've anything wrong. He has. Put it behind you x

littleoysterslittleoysters Sun 15-Jan-17 23:37:55

Oh lord, well beating yourself up isn't going to change anything. Just avoid him and act for the wife and the children. Wipe it from your brain. Counselling sound like a good idea. Its not great what you did but people do worse.

chitofftheshovel Sun 15-Jan-17 23:38:48

Goodness, it sounds like you were in a pretty vulnerable position. Like PP mentioned you are single. It's up to the tied person to not be going shagging about. But yeah, I'd feel shit too. You're gonna just have to ride it out, make it mean as little to you as it did him (sorry).

neonrainbow Sun 15-Jan-17 23:39:02

I don't know why some people are saying is not your fault. Of course its your fault. Next time don't sleep with a married man whoever he is.

RockyBird Sun 15-Jan-17 23:40:33

That text! What a slimeball.

Crisscrossthestreet Sun 15-Jan-17 23:42:21

He had changed as soon as I split up with my ex husband.

He started texting more, staying for longer when he dropped the DC off, they love him being here so they can show off their latest pictures and toys etc so I didn't tell him to go.

About a month ago he was texting that he feels awful for how my life's turned out, he feels responsible etc. I was replying saying this isn't on you.

Oldest DD had all the photo albums out when he arrived for a family tree school thing. He was looking through them and reminiscing with the kids. These are photos he hasn't seen for years. Then he came back to drop DDs hockey stuff off which she had forgotten. We just got chatting, he had a glass of wine. And then it just happened. He lent in to kiss me and I didn't stop him.

I know he loves his wife. They are so much better suited than we ever were. I feel grubby. I also feel angry with myself and with him. I feel like he's taken my moral high ground away which is ridiculous but I can't shake the feeling that part of it on his side was to show me that we're all flawed. That was one of our biggest issues when we were married,him feeling I held him to ridiculous standards.

I suppose it's all by the by now. I'm dreading the morning. And a party next month we all have to be at. I'm going to try and get out of it although it's one of our eldest friends. I cannot go.

Crisscrossthestreet Sun 15-Jan-17 23:44:16

Oldest friends not eldest

PickledCauliflower Sun 15-Jan-17 23:44:46

He is married - you are not.
Treat it as a mistake and move on, make sure it doesn't happen again. He needs to deal with the guilt, sounds like he probably won't - but I would say nothing and keep him at arms length.
I wouldn't respond to any of his texts on the matter either.

Crisscrossthestreet Sun 15-Jan-17 23:45:23

Thank you for your replies. I'm taking them in.

We used a condom so no worries there.

I just have to deal with the guilt, feeling like this I can 100% it won't ever happen again.

manicinsomniac Sun 15-Jan-17 23:45:25

I don't think you've really done anything wrong (silly and self destructive, yes, but not desperately immoral). He's the one who should be feeling all the guilt and shame - he's the cheater, you're single.

I also don't think any good could come from telling his new wife.

JustSpeakSense Sun 15-Jan-17 23:45:50

You were vulnerable, and made a big mistake. You won't let it happen again, if something like this starts happening again you will be ready and you will not take it any further.

No good will come of saying anything, you are going to have to carry the guilt alone.

Don't start texting your ex about this, don't engage with him about anything other than the kids.

MakeMyWineADouble Sun 15-Jan-17 23:46:50

I wouldn't believe him saying it's the first time I think his trying to get you on side to keep his secret personally! Honestly I think the right thing to do is to be honest with his wife roles reversed wouldn't you want to know? If you don't decide to do that then definitely no/minimal contact apart from for the kids and wherever possible arrange for it all to be in public or through a neutral party it may be awkward and hard to explain but it is necessary for now

Crumbs1 Sun 15-Jan-17 23:47:02

Your punishment is your guilty conscience. Yes it's a very bad thing to do and there is no excuse. You need to not tell the wife and destroy a family unit - you wouldn't be saying it to be kind to anyone and it isn't helpful. Learn a bit of self control. Put it behind you and allow wife to find out herself if he has been unfaithful with others. She might well be turning a blind eye.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now