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Ex boyfriend now having a baby with new girlfriend

(48 Posts)
Agatha44 Sun 15-Jan-17 21:03:07

Hello, I am new here. I am just wondering if anybody has been through a similar thing to me.
I was with my boyfriend for nearly 15 years and lived together for 5 of those years. I thought we were in it for keeps. We had spoken about marriage and kids in the future. I maybe put too much pressure on him in the last couple of years to start a family when he wasn't ready. About 6 months ago he started getting more and more distant and went into himself. I had thought it was pressures of work so didn't think much of it. We have had times like that before in the past so thought it was just a patch we were going through. If I am honest I wasn't overly happy in those months myself.
Well long story short he asked me for a break to which I agreed. I thought some time apart would be good for us. In that 'break' I found that he had literally started seeing another woman and they had slept together. I was so shocked and my heart broke. He then split up with me, I would never have taken him back after what he did. Now I have just found out that the woman is now pregnant.
I was completely floored by that news. He didn't want to have children with me but he now has a baby on the way. I didn't think my heart could possibly break anymore than it already had been. I know I am better off without him and things will get better for me but I can't help but feel like this new woman has come in and stolen my dream from me, all I ever wanted was for him to be the father of my children. I should point out that as far as I am aware the baby wasn't planned and he was as shocked as anybody!
I have an amazing support system around me and everybody has said this is the start of something great for me and I will find somebody who values me and wants the same things as me. I feel like I am seriously lacking in self confidence. He has always been by my side and I am not sure who I am without him.
If anybody has any advice or has had a similar experience I would love to hear from you.

lightcola Sun 15-Jan-17 21:09:07

Me. In fact pretty much the exact same story. It was heart breaking at the time but 5 years on they are still together with their child, and I am in a loving relationship with an even better man and we have 2 children of our own. I am much happier now. You don't know what is round the corner and I genuinely believe everything happens for a reason.

Agatha44 Sun 15-Jan-17 22:36:52

Lightcola thank you for your response. I am so pleased it worked out for you and it certainly gives me hope that my life will turn out in a similar way as yours has done!
I know I shouldn't worry about him but I am not sure he is in the right headspace at the moment. He has a lot of pressures to deal with in addition to a brand new relationship and baby on the way.
I guess I just need to focus on myself and getting my self esteem back and moving forward.

kilmuir Sun 15-Jan-17 22:41:05

Your last sentence sums up what I think.

GrumpyInsomniac Sun 15-Jan-17 22:41:52

I'd be inclined to think of this as karma coming to bite him. And an opportunity for you to meet someone who truly shares your dreams. Of course it hurts right now, and that's totally understandable. I've been there and it was agony wondering what was wrong with me.

In my case, I swore off men, determined only to use them for sex, and then met my DH. I now see myself as having had a lucky escape, the more so when the scumbag ex heard how well I'd done professionally and started making noises about getting back together.

Onwards and upwards flowers

InfoFreako Sun 15-Jan-17 23:00:15

Focus on yourself. You don't need to concern yourself with what your ex-partner is doing (tbh he sounds a hump-happy chump). Things may be tough at first for you but they'll get easier.

Good luck!

Cheers.

Agatha44 Sun 15-Jan-17 23:03:43

You are right. I have wondered why I wasn't good enough, not pretty enough, all of those thoughts. I know I have my own faults but ultimately I think I am a fairly decent person. It has made me doubt myself and has seriously knocked my confidence.
I would love to see myself with somebody else but I am so scared that nobody will look twice at me. I have only ever been with him, we started dating when I was 16. It is such a scary thought, dating!!!

BonnyScotland Sun 15-Jan-17 23:03:49

of course She planned the Baby... he is now TRAPPED.... believe me.. he will be stressed to the MAX ...

you must be kind to yourself.... try not to listen to news about him/them and focus on yourself and your wellbeing..... take each day as it comes.... slowly

Agatha44 Sun 15-Jan-17 23:07:07

BonnyScotland I didn't like to say because I don't like to think badly of people but that thought had crossed my mind. She is a few years older than him.

Agatha44 Sun 15-Jan-17 23:39:52

We share the same group of friends. I won't be able to not hear how they are getting on. Although my ex is keeping himself to himself recently and hasn't been out. He says he feels too guilty for what he has done to me. The friends know he started seeing her when we were still together but on a break but they don't know she is pregnant yet.

Yambabe Sun 15-Jan-17 23:48:04

OP you do realise that it's quite likely that she was the cause of him being "distant" and the cause of him asking for a break from you right?

It's going to be really hard for you as you've never been "me, you've always been "we".

But really the first thing you need to do is stop giving him headspace. You have to try not to care how he feels about what has happened because it's not your problem.

You think he's been "trapped"? Really? hmm He managed 15 years with you without having a baby, he knows how to use contraception. Either he's ttc with her or he's not bothered with contraception, which is pretty much the same thing.

You need to start working on finding you as a person now. Hobbies, work, you have the freedom to do what you want. Forget dating for now, there's time for that. Time to become the person you have the potential to be. flowers

trollspoopglitter Sun 15-Jan-17 23:55:02

I'm really sorry but as an adult who knows how babies are made, there is no "shocked" pregnancy unless one of you was medically diagnosed as infertile.

He had unprotected sex because he chose to - he didn't get his penis trapped in the special pregnancy trap a woman can strap on hmm

Isetan Mon 16-Jan-17 03:30:46

Trapped my arse, why do we perpetuate the myth that adult men don't understand how contraception works or their responsibilities for managing their fertility. He was probably seeing this woman before you went on a break kept his options open by calling it a break but really was an opportunity to shag this woman in the open.

Break ups suck and it sounds like despite this man's actions you still have him on some pedestal. You were together for 15 years and were still 'talking' about marriage and kids? As difficult as it is to accept, there's a very strong chance if this weasel had stayed, you would never have married or had kids. The sadness you feel now, couldn't compare to how you'd feel if he had left after your fertility had fallen off a cliff (35 and over).

This is an opportunity to go out and start a relationship that fulfills you as opposed to going along with the wishes of somebody else in the vain hope that your ambitions would converge.

Mourn what you hoped the relationship and he would be but accept, the reality that the relationship wasn't fulfilling your needs and that your Ex wasn't the man to fulfill them.

The truth is he didn't want a child with you and his penis immediately made contact with someone who didn't assume his responsibility for preventing a pregnancy.

Take care.

AyeAmarok Mon 16-Jan-17 04:42:57

She didn't trap him.

God I hate when people say that, how can people think that? Either they were careless with contraception (in a new relationship it should be condoms used anyway to protect against STDs, not just relying on the pill) or it failed. How is that her fault? You can't trap a guy who is taking responsibility for his own fertility. If he decided that he wouldn't bother, then he had this coming.

OP, he's not been kind to you for a long time. This woman is probably the reason for him wanting to go on a break. It will be hard because they are still going to be in your circle, but you need to start looking after yourself,throw yourself into some (new?) hobbies, and things will get better.

Isetan Mon 16-Jan-17 05:12:54

Funny how the instances of men trapping women aren't as prevalent as the reverse, most probably because the twatish men and the deluded women who scream entrapment see contraception and fertility as a female responsibility.

I get it OP, it's easy on the ego to think he was trapped than to accept that he was lazy and careless. Not only didn't he supposedly not want children with you, knowing that you did, but he saw it as your responsibility to prevent it from happening.

He did you a favour by leaving, once the rose tinted specs and denial has lifted, you'll see that too.

Agatha44 Mon 16-Jan-17 07:38:11

I think you are all right in what you have said. I do possibly have him up on a pedestal and I have got the rosetinted glasses on still. Bottom line is he wasn't happy with me so went elsewhere. They wanted the excitement of a secret affair and he probably wanted to keep his options open by keeping me sweet by saying it was a break. I know in my heart of hearts that she didn't plan to get pregnant. I also know that it is easy to blame the other woman. In this case I don't know her so I have got all these images in my head of what she could look like. The annoying thing is we all work for the same company I could bump into them at any point.
We still own our house and not isn't on the market yet so I still have to be in contact with him for that reason. Until the house is sold I am in limbo which is killing me.

citybumpkin Mon 16-Jan-17 07:51:42

Well my ex left me after apparently my "fertility had fallen off a cliff" hmm at the age of 38. After 9 years he told me that he needed space to be alone. A few months later he moved in with a married woman and her two very young children. When with me he was indifferent about children, took 5 years to "allow" me to move in with him, worked ridiculous hours - I never felt like a priority.

Over 2 years on I've done lots of travelling, been promoted, made new friends, spent time with family, met a new DP. I had fertility tests and actually they were impressive considering my age. Now TTC and looking to move overseas to really move on from my past (still live in ex's hometown).

It does get better with time but I still have those why wasn't I enough feelings after all these months. I get angry with the ex as I wasted all those years when I could have had a child/children but I can't change it. See it as a lucky escape and make a whole new, improved life for yourself. flowers

TheNaze73 Mon 16-Jan-17 08:18:34

You need to concentrate on yourself & move on. He obviously has his reasons & is more unavailable now than ever. See this as the start of the rest of your life

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 16-Jan-17 08:24:57

Count yourself lucky you're not tied to a cheat forever and move on.

You'll find someone else smile

HunterHearstHelmsley Mon 16-Jan-17 08:28:31

My DSis is in this situation. She's the pregnant new girlfriend. Sadly his ex can't understand that he just didn't want children with her. She's making noises about her trapping him but little does she know it was planned.

SandyY2K Mon 16-Jan-17 09:17:31

OP you do realise that it's quite likely that she was the cause of him being "distant" and the cause of him asking for a break from you right?

I'd put money on this as well. He must have been at least interested in her while you were together and the break was his excuse to not outright end it and look like the bad guy.

You don't take a break after 15 years, unless your heart isn't in it anymore.

Lucky escape.
Focus on yourself and pick up your self esteem.

Exercise makes you feel better. Join a gym.

Meet up with friends.
Take up a hobby or join an evening class to occupy your time and distract yourself.

Agatha44 Mon 16-Jan-17 09:51:50

I am starting an evening course this week so am looking forward to meeting new people. I take two exercise classes a week so that all helps to take my mind off things. They probably had been seeing each for longer than I have been told. I just don't understand how people can hurt another person like that so easily. These things happen I know but still really hurts.
I don't know how I can stop thinking about them and how do I stop myself from messaging him? I am finding that part really hard to stop and get used to. It is all a bit shit really!

Isetan Mon 16-Jan-17 10:42:49

It is shit! There's no immediate cure for making it less so. You're coward of an Ex would have kept stringing you along (and you'd probably have let him) if his 'on a break' gf hadn't of got pregnant. You're mourning a fantasy but once the relationship post-mortem gets underway with a vengeance, all those shitty things that you let him get away with will start to rear their ugly little heads and pretending that he was this great guy will become harder and harder to do.

Find a box, decorate It and put his name on it. Every time you 'want answers' or to 'understand why' or 'how could he', write it down and pop it in the box. The box is glued shut, with just a slit to post your messages. The purpose of the box is a place to post your hurt, a place that will keep your recovery highs and lows safe from his inevitable weaselling excuses and lies.

Be kind to your self because in the wise words of Prefab Sprout, "when love breaks down, the lies we tell, only serve to fool ourselves".

Agatha44 Mon 16-Jan-17 11:41:24

That's the stumbling block for me at the moment; the fantasy that I have 'lost'. If I am entirely honest he was a bit of a lazy bugger. He will have to change his lifestyle completely but it isn't my problem. In reality this might be equally as shit for them and they are still trying to get their heads around it. Who knows.
I just want to move on and get on with my life. Argh!!! I wish I could take a holiday from my mind and all the scenarios of them playing happy families etc.
I can't keep thinking that I wasted those years, I really didn't. We had an amazing life and we travelled to so many places. That's what I will miss. I am still in my early 30s so I still have time to settle down again. I need to stop comparing myself to my friends who are all married and have had their first / second child recently.

springydaffs Mon 16-Jan-17 12:32:06

Bottom line is he wasn't happy with me so went elsewhere.

No I don't agree with this. It sounds like he was happy with you.. but temptation crossed his path. Happens to us all, especially in LT relationships. The difference is he allowed himself to follow temptation.

Which makes no statement about you, but about him. As a pp says, you've been saved from life with a cheat.

And a lazy bugger.

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