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Advice on dealing with parent child relationship

(4 Posts)
Stressedoutchild Sun 15-Jan-17 15:22:16

Hello all

I'll try to brief because I would like to have the most number of people helping me and I value the time you are giving me.

I am in my mid 30s and successful and independant but I have a lot of anger towards my family. I met someone much older than me who treats me with reverence respect love and kindness which I feel I was not given. We genuinely enjoy eachothers company. A few years ago I tried to meld my two worlds (my significant other with my staunch Asian family) with catastrophic results which brought up angry feelings of abandonment and hurt for me.
Now my parents who are getting old want to rekindle a relationship and do not know..... not only did I stay with the same significant other but we have matured in our relationship and are considering marrying.

Upon their pleading to see me I booked a weekend holiday for them and will visit there for one night .. Where I hope I will summon the strength to telling them the truth and giving them a option 1. Be happy for me even if you are not happy keep it to yourself 2. Maybe it's best we continue apart.

Problem is ...

1. I was genuinely close to a parent and I dissolve to tears like a 3 year old when I even think about the abandonment I feel .. Case and point I cry writing this. I believe I was one of those children who genuinely believed their parent would stand by them as long as they are alive.
2. I don't like living two lives and worry I will genuinely die sooner from the shearing chest pain this gives me.
3. I am inwardly envious of my friends and colleagues who can be trans gay marry anyone and divorce thrice and still have their family to have special occasions with and to celebrate their individuality. They seem so happy or at the very lead so unalone in this world.

These feelings are ironically made worse for me mentally by the fact that I can have the insight to know I am blessed by health and finances and how can I have such a stupid "first world problem" but the feeling of parental abandonment and never being validated sits like a enormous sore for me that no amount of achievement or money can satisfy.

So my question to you ...

How do I tell my parents I am still with him?
Should I take him with me or save him the pain humiliation and give them the family privacy to show their true colors without him being present?

DaftJelly Sun 15-Jan-17 15:26:11

What's the issue? Is it that he's older, or are you both men?

I would take him with you and present yourselves to your parents as a unit. How they react is up to them but you will know where you stand.

pocketsaviour Sun 15-Jan-17 15:33:18

I strongly suggest you do not take him, as your own feelings of abandonment are so raw. If he sees you feeling so destroyed then he may leap to your defence and alienate them forever without hope of reconciliation - which it sounds like you still hope for.

Was their objection to him that he isn't Asian?

Stressedoutchild Sun 15-Jan-17 15:58:03

Thank you both!!

No we are opposite gender, so fortunately I would not have to deal with their conservative (and opposite to my views) on that topics

Pros , taking my partner with me would benefit me but they would be angry if I did not warn them partner is coming

Cons, my partner has already suffered a lot from my initial attempt at reconsiliation years ago
Yes, pocket savior, I do believe partner would jump to my defense if I am hurt to point of crying

Problems they see with partner:
Age gap
Yes, not Asian
Apperance ( my family is very athletic and weight gain was a sore topic as a teenager for me for which I was teased by family only, again raises anger for me because I was overweight and yes awkward teenhood chubby phase...but obese friends of mine seemed to have more acceptance, love, and permission to enjoy life)

Sigh. It's nice to not feel so alone with the above advice. As you can imagine I can not talk to partner about this for fear or hurting them further and seeming so weak.

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