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Demeaning namecalling to DS

(29 Posts)
Secretlife0fbees Sun 15-Jan-17 12:43:31

Posting this for a bit of support and perspective. I have posted here before about my marriage and commented on other threads to do with emotional abuse.
Been with DH 20 years and married for 12, 2 dc 1 dd who is 4 and one ds who is 10.
We split up 5 years ago and got back together after about a year and a half, he said that he had total clarity about his behaviour and knew what I wanted and we decided to give it another go.
He has always imo had anger issues, he was violent at the very beginning of the relationship but has not been violent at all for about 15 years. Now it just all seems verbal and emotional.
We have been having significant issues for the past 18 months mainly to do with:
His anger when drunk and agreessive and argumentative moods
Excessive drinking
IMO bullying behaviour to our son (never physical but more overreacting to small misdemeanours) this mean I step in and we end up arguing as I cannot stand by.
He calls me names all the time when we argue usually the name that I think he is being himself e.g. BULLY. He also calls me a joke, a cunt whatever he can think of. He brings up my childhood and uses it against me. He says I am a bad mother and that I don't care about my children (within their earshot).
Yesterday our son was dawdling and was nearly late for footy training and he was getting a telling off about showing more responsibility for his own timekeeping. Ds got distracted while his dad was talking to him and changed the subject. My DH called HIM 'a joke' in the sort of demeaning manner in which he calls it to me.
I lost it, I told him that I would not accept him calling ds names EVER. He tried to squirm out of it and say that he said that the 'situation' was a joke but he did not. He often says hurtful things to me and then denies it so I am used to that. I have told him that he takes responsibility for what he said or I cannot get past it. It is not about saying something in anger and then apologising, I feel like this is just the start of the namecalling that I put up with starting with the kids and I am not accepting it. I have been wrestling with the idea of separating for the second time and I have been thinking this for about 6 months now, what has held me back is the affect it will have on my ds. Now I feel like his verbal abuse will be worse.
He bought me flowers this morning and I asked him whether he had apologised to ds as if not I wasn't interested and I am determined to stand my ground.
Ds is making excuses for him and just doesn't want us to argue.
Dh will bring the kids into it if he feels he can use that to hurt me as he knows I cannot stand their witnessing arguing.
I think I am done. I have told ds that as his mother it is my job to protect him and that it is absolutely not his fault.
Something has just snapped in me.
I know I am not perfect but what I do do is take responsibility when I have made a mistake and apologise.
Thanks for reading. Any insight welcome

AnyFucker Sun 15-Jan-17 12:48:17

Yes. I think you should protect your son from the same treatment you have inexplicably accepted for yourself

Hopefully you witnessing that it will not stop with you is the push you need to end your abusive relationship

user1483945709 Sun 15-Jan-17 12:49:01

You need to set some boundaries, no drinking, no arguing in front of the kids, no name calling etc. Tell him what the consequences will be if he cannot stick to them.

Very damaging to all concerned

Basicbrown Sun 15-Jan-17 12:51:36

What about the effect that seeing him treat you badly will have on DS? Even before he started name-calling DS. LTB and prompto, he sounds vile.

Secretlife0fbees Sun 15-Jan-17 12:55:41

I know, it sounds so ridiculous when I write it down. In all honesty when we got back together I felt like I sort of didn't have a choice anymore as I couldn't mess my son around. I have toyed with the idea of accepting it as long as he was a good dad. I feel so guilty for this believe me and I spend my life treading on eggshells to just keep the peace. My son says it would be the worst thing in the world if we split up. I have been having counselling for the last 6 months and that has really helped me to gain some perspective. Ironically I have only ever wanted to give my kids what I didn't have... a peaceful and safe home life and I have ended up creating the opposite. I honestly feel terrible about that.

Secretlife0fbees Sun 15-Jan-17 12:58:02

The other thing is that when he says something horrible to me, I will react and say that was unacceptable BECAUSE I don't want the kids to think it's ok to be spoken to like that, rather than just shut my mouth.

Basicbrown Sun 15-Jan-17 13:02:20

It won't be the worst thing in the world if you split up.

All you can do in life and for your children is your best OP. It's interesting I know someone who has a fairly similar tale without the alcohol. I think her own childhood has skewed her into thinking her dh isn't that bad in comparison sad. So you aren't alone in this situation believe me.

llangennith Sun 15-Jan-17 13:02:59

Kids fear their parents separating because they fear the unknown. They are too young and inexperienced to know that it might greatly improve their happiness and life generally.
As in your case. Do your DC and yourself a favour and leave this horrible man.

Secretlife0fbees Sun 15-Jan-17 13:05:42

Thank you. It's like both options are damaging and it's about working out which one is the best for them. I am so used to things being like this that you are right it skews my perspective completely but that is no excuse at all.

Secretlife0fbees Sun 15-Jan-17 13:08:03

Thank you llangennith that is what my counsellor said too.

When we were separated, I took the blame for all of it from my parents/family and it was like because there was nothing like violence or infidelity i felt like it was v hard to justify but I don't need to justify it to anyone anyway. I'm just scared.

user1483945709 Sun 15-Jan-17 13:08:38

Set some boundaries, if he can't stick to them, it's more damaging for the kids and you than separating.

Basicbrown Sun 15-Jan-17 13:09:49

It isn't an excuse but it's a reason. I think also my friend would be petrified about having another relationship because of the past and sees it that if they split up she will be on her own forever, then he's OK for a few weeks and it settles down. Life isn't black and white, and he is to blame for his nasty abusiveness not you.

tribpot Sun 15-Jan-17 13:14:12

when we got back together I felt like I sort of didn't have a choice anymore

But it was your choice. I appreciate you were put under immense pressure by your ds, your DH and your family to accept that any nuclear family was better than none (not true).

Your children should not be growing up hearing you called names. They certainly shouldn't be growing up being called names themselves.

Basicbrown Sun 15-Jan-17 13:19:33

I also think that if you had an abusive childhood then the opinions of your parents mean absolutely nothing at all. Their opinion is white noise, no more no less.

Secretlife0fbees Sun 15-Jan-17 13:27:09

Thanks so much for your replies.

Has anyone got any insight on how I can help/support my ds? We are very close, he is a v intelligent and caring kind sensitive boy and we talk a lot. Would counselling help do you think?

user1483945709 Sun 15-Jan-17 13:31:29

Support your ds with what? Are you planning on separating?

Secretlife0fbees Sun 15-Jan-17 13:50:43

This is something I've been considering for ages. I have spoken to a solicitor before Xmas and I understand my rights etc. He won't move out without a fight but luckily I should be able to buy him out of the house.

Secretlife0fbees Sun 15-Jan-17 13:54:11

The hard bit is making the first move.

AnyFucker Sun 15-Jan-17 13:55:14

The first thing to do with your ds is to stop excusing his father.

Secretlife0fbees Sun 15-Jan-17 14:01:36

I know he loves ds and I tell him that when dh has overreacted, but I say to ds that I didn't like the way he spoke to him. I have told him in no uncertain terms since yesterday repeatedly that NOBODY gets to call him names and I simply won't allow it. Is that what you mean?

Megthehen Sun 15-Jan-17 14:03:24

You are right to protect your son. 10 is very young and your OH should be helping him/encouraging organisation skills. It certainly kills the love for a partner when their contempt starts spreading out to their children.....low point for me was my OH calling my caring son a "fuckwit" when my son let a younger child beat him in a game. My son was out of earshot thank God...I had to walk away so that I didn't lash out..but any inkling of that now I intervene and close it right down. Your son might be able to access support via his school if you separate..thare are organisations that help. Check with the schools special needs coordinator. Good luck

AnyFucker Sun 15-Jan-17 14:04:32

But by staying you are allowing it

Secretlife0fbees Sun 15-Jan-17 14:15:52

The not allowing it bit means not staying.
I'm just shitting myself about what the next few months hold.

AnyFucker Sun 15-Jan-17 14:24:16

I think you know that doing nothing is not an option

SandyY2K Sun 15-Jan-17 21:24:06

You could get some counselling for your DS. His school may have one.

It's down to you to protect him from being namecalled or witnessing such abuse.

Once you are decided on separation, you need to talk to DS and tell him yo, you aren't happy as things are with his dad, but you both love him and always will.

If he asks why, tell him it's grown up /adult stuff and if he asks when he's older (16/18), you'll tell him. It's not about turning him against his dad or any other form of parental alienation if he does ask when he's older. Just explain what was going on from your perspective and why you needed to end it.

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