Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Advice needed please - partners ex

(15 Posts)
user1484477774 Sun 15-Jan-17 11:14:51

Hi everyone.

Just joined this as I'm worried about something and need some advice.

Me and my partner have been together a year now. He has a daughter to his ex. I have recently moved into a new property which is rented. Tenancy and everything is in my name. The tenancy in my old house was in my name and I have always paid the bills etc.

My partner does not live with me. He lives with his mum however he does stay with me 3 nights a week but does not contribute a penny. I have to claim benefits as my son is disabled. I can't work due to his needs.

Basically my partner and his ex have had a huge row and she has threatened to go to hmrc and say he lives with me illegally :-( is the fact that he stays 3 nights a week wrong? He doesn't have any belongings here either apart from a couple of pairs of socks and boxers and a toothbrush. He will come and see me every night but 4 out of 7 he goes home to his mums house.

The only thing that does show is my partner does put the odd bit of money in my bank, like if we've had a takeaway, I will get it on the app on my phone to be delivered and he will transfer the money into my bank to pay for it. That sort of stuff but that's all.

His name isn't on any of the bills, absolutely everything is in my name.

She is going to say he lives with me as for the past week he has stayed with me every night as he has helped me move house. In 6 months time he will live with me properly, he just wants to pay off the last of his finances so he doesn't bring it with him when we officially live together. And then I will be putting his name on the tenancy and letting hmrc know etc. We chose the house together as he is going to live here eventually but when he mentioned it to his ex I think he must of made it sound as though he was going to be staying every night which he isn't.

I just feel so stressed that she would bring me and my children into their argument.

I've just been investigated by concentrix a few months ago all because a daft letter was sent to my home in my ex partners name. They assumed he still lived with me and I had to send pretty much everything about my life to them to prove he wasn't. So hopefully if she does do it, that might work in my favour to prove it.

I just hate this women with a passion - sorry I know hate is a strong word - she does everything she can to wreck our relationship :-( I've had texts off her this morning saying 'you can't get away with this anymore'

Are we really doing wrong? If we are then my partner just wants to protect me so he won't stay at all anymore :-(

user1484477774 Sun 15-Jan-17 11:17:02

Should also add that on a Sunday, we are all usually at my house as my children and his son play together. So the ex always picks him up from my home so she's going to use this as well to say we live together :-(

user1484477774 Sun 15-Jan-17 12:26:17


BonnyScotland Sun 15-Jan-17 12:33:28

HMRC will open a case file and observe you quietly.. they will look into all your bank accounts ... monitoring transactions etc.. they will check with Royal Mail is there is mail being delivered to your address... if there are belongings of his at yours... if she reports you prepare to be poked and prodded...... however.. if as you say he stays at his Mum and he can prove this... then fear not x

Chops2016 Sun 15-Jan-17 12:35:07

How and why does she have your number? Block her and do not engage.

If nothing is in his name and none of his things are there you've nothing to worry about. There's no "proof" they could find to say he is living there other than what his ex says, which is clearly a vindictive accusation.

Your DP needs to step up to diffuse this drama. It sounds like he's adding fuel to the fire. Why is he telling her about your sleeping arrangements? How does she have all this information in the first place?

Twolittlejobbys Sun 15-Jan-17 12:46:06

I'm afraid the three night rule is a myth! Legally he's not supposed to stay there at all! But as you say nothing is in his name etc. A small amount of money paid into your account now and then can be explained. As you'll have proof of the money going out as well. Beware though, hmrc may check with the neighbours how often he's there/stays. I shouldn't think benefits etc will stop but you will be told he's not allowed to stay/contribute.

user1484477774 Sun 15-Jan-17 13:14:08

She has my number as my partner was without his phone for a few days due to his being fixed so he used my number to FaceTime etc. I've always got on well with his ex until today.

So what is the rule? Is he not allowed to stay at all? I couldn't think of anything worse than getting into trouble over this.

I thought staying at each other's houses would be fine. It's when you have joint bills etc or he contributes then that would be a problem. It isn't the case for us. By summer, we want to be living together properly, him paying bills etc. And then I would inform everyone when the time comes.

But now she's trying to ruin it all for us.

littleniki Sun 15-Jan-17 16:45:13

I went thru this. I called the local council where I claimed housing benefit to find out hat they had to say. I was told he could stay with me as much as he wanted. I could have clothing and a toothbrush here. But I could not have any post here or anything that was of value that belonged to him like a tv, laptop, games console.

Shouldn't matter with Hmrc providing no post goes to you and he pays no bills. Just be careful if he ever puts money in your account e.g if you bought something and he's paid you back

Twolittlejobbys Sun 15-Jan-17 16:55:50

Maybe local councils have different rules as my sister was pulled up over a very similar situation to the op. She was told legally he can stay there NO NIGHTS per wk. Maybe phone in the morning and check. Although I think you'll be fine and I wouldn't worry either about money he's paid you back as it will be relatively small amounts and can be explained. You're allowed to lend people money and be paid back into your account

Gallavich Sun 15-Jan-17 17:01:23

I'm afraid the three night rule is a myth! Legally he's not supposed to stay there at all!

You're a bit right and also totally wrong
The 3 night rule is a myth, but no reason at all why she shouldn't have her boyfriend over to stay sometimes. How can it be illegal for someone to have guests in their home? What nonsense.
He needs to make sure he can prove his main home is elsewhere. Name on bills etc. And your bills and bank account needs to be squeaky clean. Small amounts for takeaways won't count against you!

Gallavich Sun 15-Jan-17 17:03:31

twolittle no disrespect to any housing benefit workers on mumsnet but I wouldn't take a housing benefit worker's advice as gospel for anything, not even their policies and procedures. That sounds like someone getting very confused about the advice they should be giving tbh.

Bluntness100 Sun 15-Jan-17 17:04:25

>> She was told legally he can stay there NO NIGHTS per wk. <<

Are you sure? I was brought up in council housing and I've never in my life heard of one who dictated that no over night guests were allowed. That's just crazy , it's your home.

Op , yes he can stay but not live there, you've nothing to worry about if he is not, if she reports it prepare to submit what's required to satisfy them and stop panicking.

user1484477774 Sun 15-Jan-17 17:37:28

This is all great advice thank you. She has actually text me to apologise and said she has no intentions of doing anything. It's my partner she has issues with, not me.
I'm still keeping my guard up though, just incase.

We are just being careful with our relationship. We want to make sure living together is right for us before we actually commit and do it properly. We want to know our kids will get on, we want to know we can actually put up with each other too lol. We are just being sensible.

Like I've said, I have a disabled child so work is out of the question for me so claiming benefits is my only option. I've met someone who I really do like, I want to do it all properly. But I feel like him staying is the wrong thing to do now :-(

He does help me with my son too so there are nights when he stays really late. Tbf, thinking about it properly it probably does look bad.

I think I'll ring in the morning and explain our situation just to put my mind at rest and to give them a heads up the ex has it in for us

Twolittlejobbys Sun 15-Jan-17 18:17:23

Absolutely sure! It was nothing to do with it being a HA property but due to the benefits she was receiving at the time! My brother came to visit from another county for two months and I asked if it would be ok to stay with me. Absolutely fine as he neither works or claims benefits in this country. Occasional over night guests are completely different to a partner regularly staying every week. All I said was it would be best to check with her local authority as I've heard completely conflicting rules on this subject

user1484477774 Mon 16-Jan-17 10:40:04

So I've rang citizens advice, tax credits and housing benefit all this morning.

Just to clarify for some people who are unsure on what the general rule is. You can have someone stay pretty much as often as you like. As long as they have no belongings, do not contribute to any bills, and do not have the address registered as a home address. None of these apply to us apart from the odd pair of boxers and the money for takeaways. Which I am going to put a stop too just incase.

There is no rule at all on how often someone can stay. The 3 night a week thing is a myth - had this confirmed today by HMRC. They would all prefer someone stay a maximum of 3 nights however there is no official law on it.

I do feel a lot more relaxed now. I'm going to feel daft saying to my partner, can you please take your boxers and toothbrush home lol, but I'm defo not risking having someone turning up my door and penalising me because he's got some boxers shorts here.

By summer, he will be living here full time and everything will be sorted. I'm not the type of person that would ever try and be like a benefit fraud or anything. I'm actually glad his ex has made those threats as now I know what we are allowed and are not allowed to do.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: