Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He is blaming mumsnet for our split

(165 Posts)
Emmerdalefan Sun 15-Jan-17 10:35:07

Very long story but the jist is this.
Married since 2007 but together for 19 years (I was 15 he was 24) . We both have never had another partner or slept with anyone else so a very special bond we both felt we had. Anyways he is a farmer and we have 4 dcs . His mother and brother are a nightmare and I am now nc. I don't even know why they hate me but basically since we got married they turned on me. Constant criticism of anything I do and loads and loads of verbal abuse and horrible nasty comments said about me to my children . They use dh inheritance as black mail and threaten him constantly if he walks away from farm he will get nothing. He is only a shareholder partner or summit . Iv no idea what that is. I have no involvement in financial side as it's all kept hush hush. I have supported him dutifully for years with kids and he works 7 days a week every day of year. I am sat at home with kids whilst he trots off to the main Farm (where mil and brother live ) where most of the work is done. Anyways I'm rambling. We live in a big house 1 mile away owned by dh parents . I hate it as I just want us to have our own family home. I don't want him to leave farm just want our own home that feels like it's ours and not theirs. He refuses to stand up to his mil and so iv left . I am in rented accommodation with kids. He has ea me for years and chipped away at my self esteem . I started reading MN threads and realised what iv put up with for years is very bad ea. I have tons of things I could tell you. I have another thread on here called " vile narcassist mil ruining our marriage" which explains everything. I did leave him but came back as he promised to change blah blah blah anyways he hasn't so I'm off again and this time I'm done . No more chances and I do not love him anymore. He has chose his family over me and refuses to move to a house of our own. Anyways he says it's mumsnet that has filled my head full of crap and it's mumsnet fault why I am leaving as it's put silly ideas in my head. He says there is no such thing as ea and it's just a bunch of evil woman hating on men ??? I know this is jumbled but I'm crying my eyes out and am so broken I can't think straight. I feel like his family have won and it kills me knowing they will be jumping for joy that they have their precious son all back to themselves . Farmers are so greedy and protective of assets that they don't like anyone marrying into it . I honestly have never cared about his money and don't want a penny from him. I just wanted one big happy family all together on the farm. They won't allow this and his parents made it clear that nobody is allowed to be part of the family unless blood. I even offered to sign a pre nup ?? Anyways it doesn't matter now as I have left him (nearly- waiting of new house being ready ) . It kills me knowing they have won amd got what they wanted all along. He is a spineless bastard for not telling them to fuck off . Arghhhh so sorry for rambling. Anyways apparently it's all mumsnet fault for filling my head full of rubbish ??

user1483387154 Sun 15-Jan-17 10:36:39

although i am sorry you are going through this, your comment about farmers is hugely insulting and offensive

user1483387154 Sun 15-Jan-17 10:38:06

the way your husband is acting has NOTHING to do with his profession. I come from a family of farmers, my family are generally all in the farming profession and NONE of them are like this.

Your husband is being an arse, but dont tar everyone with the same brush

Astro55 Sun 15-Jan-17 10:41:31

They haven't won - there are no winners in this situation.

You are a strong and very capable woman with her own thoughts and feelings - raising 4 kids alone in a marriage isn't any fun -

You will win by being free of their abuse - the kids will be free of it and you will come out the other side.

Timeforabiscuit Sun 15-Jan-17 10:43:30

If you told a close friend what was happening, what do you imagine thier advice would be?

Would your dh blame them instead?

They havent won, they have lost, you are married, you have a claim as youve supported your dh to continue work at the farm - have you got some serious legal representation? because its time to start working to make sure your children arent sidelined.

Im sure this will only be the start of the manipulation your h is prepared to pull as you seperate, can you get to a freedom programme to prepare yourself as to whats to come, doing that and the legal advice will give you some concrete outside perpsective.

Bottom line, you're not happy, you havent been for a while and you want to end the marriage - that is all that counts.

DonaldStott Sun 15-Jan-17 10:43:41

Sorry, I can't get past the fact that he was nearly 10yrs older than you and you were a child when you got together. Maybe this what has always put you in a vulnerable position.

Teepish Sun 15-Jan-17 10:45:04

You've escaped an awful family of hideous people (as much as is possible with kids). I know what you mean about feeling they've "won" - but no. They're awful, not winners. You've won by getting out.

It was emotional abuse. Well done for leaving, you will only get more strong. flowers

Bluntness100 Sun 15-Jan-17 10:46:15

I'm sorry uour marriage is over. It sounds very unhealthy.

Why would you think all farmers are like this? It's really just him and his family are.

lovelearning Sun 15-Jan-17 10:46:51

I'm crying my eyes out and am so broken I can't think straight.

Emmerdalefan

flowers

Rainbowqueeen Sun 15-Jan-17 10:48:53

flowers. I remember your previous threads. They are vile people so who cares what they think.

I agree with the advice to lawyer up, try the legal boards for advice.

You are amazing, well done for all you have achieved so far! Hope you have some real life support.
Will be thinking of you and sending you my best over the coming weeks

AllPowerfulLizardPerson Sun 15-Jan-17 10:51:14

Here's a TLDR version

- OP has left DH (who she has been with since age 15, they have 4 DC)
- OP unhappy about a number of things in marriage (constant criticism from STBX, housing, relationship with ILs)
- STBX tries to pass this off as someone filling her pretty little head with nonsense.

He's being ridiculous, but perhaps that will crystallise to you how dysfunctional things were.

You need to take legal advice. You have 4 DC to house and care for. Day to day that's been pretty much single handed anyhow, so no change there. But you need a fair settlement for their sake. There is no property to divide (I'm assuming that he doesn't own any himself), but you need an adequate assessment of what his share partnership is worth (and if it counts as a marital asset), also things like pension pot.

Emmerdalefan Sun 15-Jan-17 10:53:07

I know not all farmer's are the same . Apologies. I'm just angry. I am from countryside and respect farmers. I have been a farmers wife a ery long Time. If you read my other thread you will get a better idea. His parents are extremely greedy and known round these parts for being so. They own most of the land where we live for a 10 mile radius. They hate anyone buying land next to them so as soon as some becomes available they swoosh in their gazumping anyone in their way. Honest I'm not making this up. I had known my husband since we were kids and we never slept together till I was 16. We dated for a year . He had never slept with anyone as was very shy and always working on farm so never went out. He can be so lovely amd has a very kind heart but he is so controlled by his mother . He gets angry because he says he knows she is evil and using the farm against him but he feels trapped by her. He takes it out on me and has done for years. I started reading about ea and became less of a doormat and he didn't like that. He refuses to take any responsibility at all for our split and says it's all me. I should just put up with his family and ignore them. Says he has done absolutely nothing at All wrong and I am listening to mumsnet to much. He knows deep down what he has done to me. He says he loves me so so much and is terrified of me divorcing him but he still won't stand up and get our own home ( we can afford it) . I have tried so so hard to make it work but the way they treat me just eats away at me. I can't live this life anymore. I lost my dad last year to brain cancer and although my dad liked him he always said he would never put me above the farm and his mother would tear us apart. Wish I'd listened when he told me this 17 years ago. I always thought I could make dh see sense . He has been brain washed from day 1 that nothing and noone is more important than the farm. Even day of dad's funeral he went back to work after dumping me at home with 4 dcs crying my eyes out.

Emmerdalefan Sun 15-Jan-17 10:55:33

I honestly don't want any money off him or maintenance . He is on paper on a pathetic wage (less than minimum for hours he does) so I'd get like £5 a week for kids so there is no point. His mother ensured that by keeping him as an employee the farm is protected. I honestly don't want money from him . I just wanted him to be a good family man and put us first.

Afterthestorm Sun 15-Jan-17 10:58:00

I have direct experience of three ladies marrying into farming families (one being myself) and couldn't disagree more strongly with the second poster. Not all farmers behave like this obviously, but some definitely do.

Astro55 Sun 15-Jan-17 11:01:54

He won't take bough will her - so you have to put you first (and the kids)

Be selfish - do what's best for you!!

(I knew you were going to say that about the money/farm)

rumblingDMexploitingbstds Sun 15-Jan-17 11:04:46

'Filling your head with rubbish'

Translation: opening your eyes to abuse.

Of course he wishes you'd just put up with the abuse nicely and tolerate it, and doesn't want you to have a problem with it and leave him. He also doesn't want to change his behaviour, or admit anything is wrong with him and his parents, so his solution is that you should feel bad for having a problem with it. Toxic batshit. sad

So sorry it's come to this for you thanks

Emmerdalefan Sun 15-Jan-17 11:04:52

He doesn't even come home for his lunch. He eats lunch with his mother dad and other workers around the farmhouse dinner table . Me and dcs eat together while he plays happy families over the other farm. We live 2 fields away so not exactly far. Apparantly his mother says he should eat with the workers ? It's so fucked up it really is . He never got a single days paternity leave despite me having a 4th degree tear and raging mastitis with dd4 and I was expected to just crack on with school runs ,food shopping and housework. Apparantly according to his mother farmers do not do babies or helping in the house. I will never forget at the age of 19 (me) we had our first baby. We were clueless but so happy. He took baby up to farmhouse to show his mam n dad and he was so excited. He insisted on carrying baby and the change bag. He straight away put the baby on the change mat amd started to check her nappy. His mam said laughing " what you doing you big puff , that's her job not yours" he was so deflated. He never did another nappy after that

whyohwhy000 Sun 15-Jan-17 11:05:08

he is a farmer

I don't see how this is relevant?

toptoe Sun 15-Jan-17 11:05:40

Sounds like they have sacrificed living life to the full for their asset. He's too deeply embroiled to free himself. Very sad but not something you can change. Or sacrifice your own happiness for, especially as they have made it impossible for you to benefit from the asset. It sounds like his parents are exploiting him tbh.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 15-Jan-17 11:07:33

Do not sell yourself further short here. You need a fair settlement via legal means for your children.

Unfortunately the rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family of origin.

He is financially responsible for his four children so he should pay a level of maintenance. Its money from him for them.

Emmerdalefan Sun 15-Jan-17 11:09:12

Why - it's very relevant. It's a very different way of life !!

Ineedmorelemonpledge Sun 15-Jan-17 11:09:34

My STBEXH also blamed MN for putting ideas into my head. You are all a pack of miserable bitches according to him.

This was when I found out he was trying to cheat again on sex sites and came here for advice then showed him the thread via a link.

I think some men are very threatened by women having voice especially when they call out bad behaviour that the abuser tries to keep secret.

It's strange how they were right and even though I sacrificed a lot to tell him not to come back when he flounced out (expecting me to beg him to come back) I'm truly happy now living alone with a DP in my life who makes me happy.

MN gave me the strength to do it alone.

You haven't lost, and they haven't won. You've just decided on a different way to live your life.

You need good legal advice as others have said.

You aren't in a settled place at the moment but that will change when you move. He'll have to step up and make time alone for his dc, every other weekend he'll have to care for them alone, regardless of harvest or milking, or lambing season, and then he'll realise how well looked after he was. He'll have to reduce his time on the farm to do this, and then the family will also realise this.

Ignore them, when you move they can't hurt you anymore. If they try it will be a more obvious vindictive act than the stealth way they do it now.

If they had mouth you to your DC then they lose contact with their GDC.

Sorry to hear what happened with your dad. flowers

TaggieRR Sun 15-Jan-17 11:11:36

Why do you care who he blames? It sounds as though you have made the decision to leave (which seems a great decision from your points) and will have a happier life as a result. I wonder how much he will see your dc's when you live apart (because of his working hours) but it doesn't sound like he spends much time with them at the moment anyway.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Sun 15-Jan-17 11:12:17

Bad mouth not had mouth sorry

MistressMaisie Sun 15-Jan-17 11:12:25

I don't think you will get money from him as it is in a business whcih you wont' be entitled to.

You seem to me to be dwelling totally on the past - I hope you can start to look to the future which is soooo much brighter for you. Get some advice as to what money you are entitled, Citizens' advice or a solicitor.

What the future holds is not clear. Perhaps you will get back with him several years down the line but right now it is wonderful that you are away from the evil family. And you need to start thinking about yourself, what will you do with YOUR life. You are young enough to start a career, go to university or college and have a full and happy life. Start planning OP, your future is a lovely clean slate.......

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now