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How often do you/your partner stay with family?

(23 Posts)
2sCompany Sun 15-Jan-17 09:25:38

Don't know where to start, so I'll try to keep it simple...

I'm pregnant, due beginning of May. Baby's father and I have had a turbulent relationship for the last 3 years-ish and are not presently 'together'. We've always lived separately.

He has a son (5) from a previous relationship - the ex doesn't drive, so he has to do all the picking up and dropping off, sometimes his parents help out too (hers don't). The times he has his son he spends almost exclusively at his parents' house. So they both stay there all weekend and one or two weeknights. He also spends loads of time there without his son and stays over often.

He's 36 years old and I just find it a bit odd. Just wanted other people's opinions as to whether this is normal (whatever 'normal' is)? My mum lives close to me but I have my own home and don't live at her house for half the week!

I'm also concerned that he's not going to find time to see our baby when it's born. The only time we can see each other now, if we need to, is 2 evenings in the week due to his existing commitments with his family and the ex. I don't know what, if anything, I can say or do about it. Feel rather helpless and that we'll always be bottom priority.

Don't know if that makes any sense at all, or its just me having a whinge over nothing blush

Any comments, suggestions or opinions gratefully received. Or, please, just tell me to woman-up and stop moaning about nothing!

Thanks x

blahblahblah2000 Sun 15-Jan-17 09:33:07

Does he take an active role in parenting his child or do his parents do most of the work, hence why he is there?

2sCompany Sun 15-Jan-17 09:43:48

He does do things with his son to be fair to him, just the two of them, like go to the park, swimming etc. But I think he gets out of household stuff such as cooking, washing clothes etc. He gets to have a lie in as well, as the family are all there to look after the only grandchild of the family. His late 20s sister still lives at home also, so there are always a lot of people around.

LostSight Sun 15-Jan-17 09:46:31

Sounds like he has a lovely easy life. It doesn't seem normal to me, but if the child was mine, I would probably just be happy he was being well cared for.

2sCompany Sun 15-Jan-17 09:52:14

You're right - having just re-read what I've written, why wouldn't he stay there all the time?!

I just find it odd why he'd spend so much time there as he always used to complain about how overbearing his mum and sister are, always telling him how to parent, undermining him etc.

I can't see our baby fitting in anywhere unfortunately.

2sCompany Sun 15-Jan-17 19:05:25

I'm not concerned about his child's welfare. Just think it's weird that a grown man who owns his own home barely lives in it. The time he spends with his family seems excessive to me and I know our new baby won't fit in.

This is a dull thread, sorry blush sad

Gillian1980 Sun 15-Jan-17 20:15:07

Never!

To be precise, we stay at the in laws for 1 night just before xmas each year. I've never stayed at my parents since they've lived in their current home which is over a decade.

We're all really close and get on great. But dh and I have our own home with dc and we generally have no need to stay with our parents.

Lovelybangers Sun 15-Jan-17 20:18:15

Umm never.

We each have our own house/s and sleep in them.

The only time we would stay with the DParents is if we were visiting them in their holiday home at the coast. But haven't done so in years - preferring the 2 hour drive home to sleep in our own home.

2sCompany Sun 15-Jan-17 20:26:34

Thanks Gillian, I'm of the same opinion, there's no need. Didn't know if it's me being weird or him.

My main concern being our child will never have him to themselves, if that makes sense. (I'm probably being hormonal and over sensitive though)

2sCompany Sun 15-Jan-17 20:29:17

Thank you too bangers (great name btw!)

It's not like distance is an issue in this case either, living within a 25 min drive.

TwatteryFlowers Sun 15-Jan-17 21:00:55

Never. We live within 30 miles of our most distant relatives (not counting the one in the forces who is here, there & everywhere) so there is really no need and none of our houses are really big enough to accommodate guests. Tbh I never knew it was a thing to stay overnight with relatives until I started reading mn.

offside Sun 15-Jan-17 22:48:21

I don't and neither does my DP. Although we have friends who are a married couple and whenever the DH is working away from home the DW will go and stay at her parents home, she also still goes away with her parents from time to time without her DH. They're late 20s early 30s. I find it odd, and so does my DP. But each to their own I guess.

wobblywonderwoman Sun 15-Jan-17 22:54:53

Never stay over at either.

I think it is good that at least he sees his son, but I think he is a mummys boy.

You might be better alone than left dangling every week. I am not sure what to say.

Boolovessulley Sun 15-Jan-17 22:57:01

Without wanting to sound blunt, did this not occur to you before you became pregnant?
I'm assuming that this isn't a very recent set up. You knew how much time he spends with his child z d the arrangements, you have also started your relationship shop is very rocky so perhaps it's reasonable for him to stay at his parents.

It's not what I would want but under the circumstances I would leave the situation as it stands.

Ladyformation Mon 16-Jan-17 08:11:21

Both of our families are over 3 hours away door to door so when we visit we stay for a long weekend. Looking back to last year, we went to my family three times and his four times, so we probably do a long weekend every two months or so. That includes e.g. attending a family wedding, meeting a new niece/nephew, Christmas etc, not just random visits. That is absolutely plenty for me - I love my family and his are great, but we're not the types to live in each others pockets.

I think what's going on in his case is weird. I'd say each to their own, but you're about to have a baby together so actually he needs to find a way to prioritise you and the new baby (and his older DC of course) over his DPs...

2sCompany Mon 16-Jan-17 08:13:25

It did occur to me previously, but not as much as now. It's all ramped up over the last 6 months really. Actually, since I became pregnant, now I think of it.

He and the ex had a set contact arrangement, but she has been requesting he has their son for an extra day or two every week for quite some time. Hence more time spent at his parents.

As I say, not worried about the son. It's great that they get lots of time together. It's the fact he can't seem to do it on his own. He keeps saying his family will 'help out' once the baby is here, but I don't want their help, I want him to be a father and a grown up. He'll take the baby over there, hand it over and go for a nap, like he does now.

It's all such a mess. Sorry, I sound really bitter but it's upsetting me a lot today.

2sCompany Mon 16-Jan-17 15:57:16

Thanks for everyone's input, I appreciate those of you who have taken the time to read my ramblings.

.... all seems rather irrelevant now. Just had a big row about it, said I thought it was excessive and would be happy for the baby to visit for an hour or two at a time, there's no need to stay there for days. Was duly informed (as a result of "lashing out because you keep having a go") that I've been cheated on at least 10 times over the time we've been together. Feel sick.

myoriginal3 Mon 16-Jan-17 16:01:16

Fuck

Ladyformation Mon 16-Jan-17 16:50:29

Oh OP I'm so sorry flowers

Lovelybangers Mon 16-Jan-17 17:07:21

Oh no.

Sorry to hear this OP.

happypoobum Mon 16-Jan-17 17:20:17

So sorry. Is it safe for you to get STI checks whilst pregnant? (sorry!)

Distance yourself - get support from RL friends. You need time to pick yourself up and make plans for yourself and your baby that protect you from this arsehole. flowers

TwatteryFlowers Mon 16-Jan-17 17:37:08

What a shitty thing to do and say to the person who is meant to be your partner. Sorry to hear that op and joke that you have plenty of real life support flowers

2sCompany Mon 16-Jan-17 18:45:50

I knew he'd cheated on me anyway. Didn't know it was to that extent. I know he got in touch with one of them not long ago (during this pregnancy) 'just as friends'. I've ignored it for a long time, but for him to flaunt it and to use it as a weapon against me like that.... I just have no words.

I've blocked all contact now. I don't like to discuss in RL as I've complained about how he's treated me to friends in the past, which he's always subsequently complained to me about for 'telling tales' so to speak, so it's really my own fault for keeping going back.

Gosh this dull thread took a horrible turn for the worse. Sorry and thanks everyone.

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