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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I need advice on how DH and I can stop getting at each other

46 replies

Coffeefacescrub · 14/01/2017 22:29

There's a lot of love between us but we seem to needle each other a lot. I always feel he's having a go or a dig, he feels the same.

We have a good laugh too, some lovely times and we talk openly.

But this shit really gets to me. I get defensive and upset. He gets 'bored' by it. It feels like a loop.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Report

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 14/01/2017 22:43

This doesn't sound nice, but you both need to grow up.

If you're able to identify your issues, why are you not able to actually deal with them?

So you actively need to not be defensive and upset and he needs to not be 'bored'.

If you're annoying each other you need to stop what you're doing. There's no fancy turnaround.

Coffeefacescrub · 14/01/2017 22:48

Why are you talking to me as I'm a child?!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2017 22:49

What exactly does he needle you about, and what is it that bores him?

Only1scoop · 14/01/2017 22:50

So both just stop it?

Hermonie2016 · 14/01/2017 22:50

Is he really having a go? In a passive aggressive way or are you defensive and sensitive. Only you can on reflection determine that.
You do have to be careful you are not getting locked into a power struggle.

Can you give an example?

If you are defensive a useful book is "Why do I do that' which explores the roots of defensive behaviours.

JustHereForThePooStories · 14/01/2017 22:50

Why are you talking to me as I'm a child

Think I've found your problem.

BumDNC · 14/01/2017 22:54

Sorry I LOL'd out loud at your response to the first person who posted something that actually was pretty constructive to you!

Only1scoop · 14/01/2017 22:55

Hhhhhmmmmmm

Coffeefacescrub · 14/01/2017 23:01

I'm completely aware that I'm in a stupid loop, for which my defensiveness and sensitivity must play a part - but I felt the first response was patronising. I wouldn't be here if I could just sort it out. Being told I need to grow up is just not constructive or helpful - this is painful stuff.

I try - we try - to recognise it and change it. And we can't. Not for long. We fall back into the loop. Which is both upsetting and scary. Makes me feel we won't make it

OP posts:

BumDNC · 14/01/2017 23:02

You have to face the painful reality of it even if it's not very nice.

Counselling is probably the key.

Whenwillwe3meetagain · 14/01/2017 23:04

How was the first response patronising?

SpookyPotato · 14/01/2017 23:05

Is your response to the first poster a joke OP?! If not then you have demonstrated your issue perfectly The advice is sound, just both stop doing it.

SpookyPotato · 14/01/2017 23:07

Can you give examples of things you say to each other?

Coffeefacescrub · 14/01/2017 23:07

We had counselling a couple of years ago. It was helpful but clearly didn't help us enough.

We are both defensive. When you're protecting yourself, it makes things hard.

Being told that we just need to stop doing something and grow up - in the same piece of advice - felt patronising.

OP posts:

Coffeefacescrub · 14/01/2017 23:08

Really - I'm serious - is that first response of mine indicative of my problem? I'm not kidding, is it?

OP posts:

Coffeefacescrub · 14/01/2017 23:09

I can't even think of the many things we say.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 14/01/2017 23:09

Can I ask you Coffee do you suffer from
Anxiety?

Coffeefacescrub · 14/01/2017 23:11

I do suffer from anxiety, yes. It ebbs and flows, but yes. I wouldn't say I'm laid back! Why?

OP posts:

AllTheLight · 14/01/2017 23:12

Have you considered a marriage course? DH and I went on one a few years ago and it really helped our communication. And a lot cheaper than counselling!

Coffeefacescrub · 14/01/2017 23:12

What is a marriage course?

OP posts:

annandale · 14/01/2017 23:13

I react like this at work sometimes because I am not confident in my skills and even in the role of my profession. It is humiliating and upsetting and makes me more defensive next time. I never react like this at home because (for now anyway) I feel certain dh loves me and has my back. I think jeaux90 is on to something.

BumDNC · 14/01/2017 23:17

What on earth are you having to defend yourself from can I ask? if it's hurtful personal attacks and abuse then clearly it is a bad relationship. I suppose I don't understand how a couple would get to this stage of feeling like they have to defend themselves to this point if it isn't mutually abusive iyswim.
If you know that he isn't personally insulting you but you over react to him there are many strategies that CBT might be able to help you with or even anger management - walking away and forcing yourself not to make comments that start the cycle off. Other methods of communicating dissatisfaction to one another. Part of this will be taking responsibility for your own actions and reactions

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JustHereForThePooStories · 14/01/2017 23:20

Really - I'm serious - is that first response of mine indicative of my problem? I'm not kidding, is it?

To me, yes. Your response struck me as coming from someone who is very highly strung, doesn't like to take advice, and generally has a chip on her shoulder.

OP, how do you find communication with people in general? Do you find you often have runs-in with people?

jeaux90 · 14/01/2017 23:21

OP your anxiety. Do you understand it well? Triggers and reactions?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 14/01/2017 23:35

Sorry not trying to be patronising OP. But it does genuinely come across as childish. Re-read your OP.

I think you know your problem- you've identified that you're overly defensive and then you've gone on to illustrate it. Maybe have a google for coping mechanisms for defensiveness? (Rather than forking out for therapy)See if anything clicks.

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