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I need advice on how DH and I can stop getting at each other

(47 Posts)
Coffeefacescrub Sat 14-Jan-17 22:29:05

There's a lot of love between us but we seem to needle each other a lot. I always feel he's having a go or a dig, he feels the same.

We have a good laugh too, some lovely times and we talk openly.

But this shit really gets to me. I get defensive and upset. He gets 'bored' by it. It feels like a loop.

Any advice?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Sat 14-Jan-17 22:43:37

This doesn't sound nice, but you both need to grow up.

If you're able to identify your issues, why are you not able to actually deal with them?

So you actively need to not be defensive and upset and he needs to not be 'bored'.

If you're annoying each other you need to stop what you're doing. There's no fancy turnaround.

Coffeefacescrub Sat 14-Jan-17 22:48:13

Why are you talking to me as I'm a child?!

Aquamarine1029 Sat 14-Jan-17 22:49:56

What exactly does he needle you about, and what is it that bores him?

Only1scoop Sat 14-Jan-17 22:50:04

So both just stop it?

Hermonie2016 Sat 14-Jan-17 22:50:19

Is he really having a go? In a passive aggressive way or are you defensive and sensitive. Only you can on reflection determine that.
You do have to be careful you are not getting locked into a power struggle.

Can you give an example?

If you are defensive a useful book is "Why do I do that' which explores the roots of defensive behaviours.

JustHereForThePooStories Sat 14-Jan-17 22:50:51

Why are you talking to me as I'm a child

Think I've found your problem.

BumDNC Sat 14-Jan-17 22:54:10

Sorry I LOL'd out loud at your response to the first person who posted something that actually was pretty constructive to you!

Only1scoop Sat 14-Jan-17 22:55:37


Coffeefacescrub Sat 14-Jan-17 23:01:39

I'm completely aware that I'm in a stupid loop, for which my defensiveness and sensitivity must play a part - but I felt the first response was patronising. I wouldn't be here if I could just sort it out. Being told I need to grow up is just not constructive or helpful - this is painful stuff.

I try - we try - to recognise it and change it. And we can't. Not for long. We fall back into the loop. Which is both upsetting and scary. Makes me feel we won't make it

BumDNC Sat 14-Jan-17 23:02:41

You have to face the painful reality of it even if it's not very nice.

Counselling is probably the key.

Whenwillwe3meetagain Sat 14-Jan-17 23:04:26

How was the first response patronising?

SpookyPotato Sat 14-Jan-17 23:05:50

Is your response to the first poster a joke OP?! If not then you have demonstrated your issue perfectly grin The advice is sound, just both stop doing it.

SpookyPotato Sat 14-Jan-17 23:07:08

Can you give examples of things you say to each other?

Coffeefacescrub Sat 14-Jan-17 23:07:32

We had counselling a couple of years ago. It was helpful but clearly didn't help us enough.

We are both defensive. When you're protecting yourself, it makes things hard.

Being told that we just need to stop doing something and grow up - in the same piece of advice - felt patronising.

Coffeefacescrub Sat 14-Jan-17 23:08:26

Really - I'm serious - is that first response of mine indicative of my problem? I'm not kidding, is it?

Coffeefacescrub Sat 14-Jan-17 23:09:10

I can't even think of the many things we say.

jeaux90 Sat 14-Jan-17 23:09:49

Can I ask you Coffee do you suffer from

Coffeefacescrub Sat 14-Jan-17 23:11:17

I do suffer from anxiety, yes. It ebbs and flows, but yes. I wouldn't say I'm laid back! Why?

AllTheLight Sat 14-Jan-17 23:12:19

Have you considered a marriage course? DH and I went on one a few years ago and it really helped our communication. And a lot cheaper than counselling!

Coffeefacescrub Sat 14-Jan-17 23:12:55

What is a marriage course?

annandale Sat 14-Jan-17 23:13:58

I react like this at work sometimes because I am not confident in my skills and even in the role of my profession. It is humiliating and upsetting and makes me more defensive next time. I never react like this at home because (for now anyway) I feel certain dh loves me and has my back. I think jeaux90 is on to something.

BumDNC Sat 14-Jan-17 23:17:13

What on earth are you having to defend yourself from can I ask? if it's hurtful personal attacks and abuse then clearly it is a bad relationship. I suppose I don't understand how a couple would get to this stage of feeling like they have to defend themselves to this point if it isn't mutually abusive iyswim.
If you know that he isn't personally insulting you but you over react to him there are many strategies that CBT might be able to help you with or even anger management - walking away and forcing yourself not to make comments that start the cycle off. Other methods of communicating dissatisfaction to one another. Part of this will be taking responsibility for your own actions and reactions

JustHereForThePooStories Sat 14-Jan-17 23:20:29

Really - I'm serious - is that first response of mine indicative of my problem? I'm not kidding, is it?

To me, yes. Your response struck me as coming from someone who is very highly strung, doesn't like to take advice, and generally has a chip on her shoulder.

OP, how do you find communication with people in general? Do you find you often have runs-in with people?

jeaux90 Sat 14-Jan-17 23:21:15

OP your anxiety. Do you understand it well? Triggers and reactions?

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