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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Feeling insecure and crazy 😜

38 replies

user1465649950 · 14/01/2017 19:21

I feel like I need a good shake and told to get a grip and my mums away!
Me and my boyfriend have had some issues (I've posted about these) so we aren't together as such at the moment, my choice.
We both agree to not seeing anyone else and he's seeing our daughter regularly, and basically doing whatever I ask.
I'm feeling crazy and insecure though. He's in a band (not famous or anything, just a hobby) and often has girls liking and commenting on his photos on social media, it never usually bothers me at all! But I feel I'm obsessed at the moment, his band mate put photos on Instagram from a gig last night and loads of girls commented, I was looking on their accounts, something I'd never do. One girl had a photo with my bf, she'd only put something like met......from..... but I feel really crappy about it!
He's called to see dd tonight and was dressed up to go out and I feel angry about it. He wanted to stay in with me and I said no. So I know I've no right to be mad or expect him to sit home alone or anything.
It's really not like me and I know it's probably just because we aren't in the best place right now. I'm not feeling too well and dd was really unsettled last night, so I've not slept. Im home alone and he's out having fun.
I can't help but think wtf am I doing. I'm encouraging him to go out and have fun without us! And crazily, I think he should be able to read my mind and just not go out!

OP posts:

Report

CockacidalManiac · 14/01/2017 19:29

If you aren't together at the moment, surely each of you can do as they like?

QuiteLikely5 · 14/01/2017 19:32

So you don't want him but don't want to see him happy without you?

Why did you decide to have a break from him?

Teaandcakeat8 · 14/01/2017 19:40

So you're not together at the moment but he comes to see you dressed to go out and you get angry?

Then he offers to stay in with you but you say no?

Sorry but sounds like you need to have a hard think about what you do want.

AyeAmarok · 14/01/2017 19:44

So you aren't a couple, and it sounds like you aren't good together so shouldn't get back together, but yet you want to dictate what he can do?

user1465649950 · 14/01/2017 19:57

I know I'm being stupid! We aren't together, but aren't not either. He's working on his relationship with our daughter, so we've taken ours out of the mix for now.
I didn't get angry with him though. I felt it and posted on here, but didn't say anything to him. I know he can go out and have fun. It's not something that usually bothers me. Like I said, I'm just feeling insecure and silly about it all!

OP posts:

CockacidalManiac · 14/01/2017 20:00

I know I'm being stupid! We aren't together, but aren't not either.

I don't know what this means.

AyeAmarok · 14/01/2017 20:09

We aren't together, but aren't not either. He's working on his relationship with our daughter, so we've taken ours out of the mix for now.

Sounds like a relationship between drama llama teenagers. You are "testing" him really, aren't you. You've broken up with him but you expect him to still behave as if he's in a relationship with you regarding fidelity etc, with you calling the shots and dangling the fact that you might decide to get back together over him, which you'll pull off the table if he steps out of line.

TheNaze73 · 14/01/2017 20:10

Does he know the definition & boundaries of your relationship as I'm confused

CockacidalManiac · 14/01/2017 20:13

Are you the one with the immature bf that doesn't want to be a dad?

user1465649950 · 14/01/2017 21:18

Yes, CockacidalManiac he seems to be really trying though.
He knows the boundaries, yes. We decided them together. I'm not testing him, I've not mentioned I'm feeling like this at all.
I think I'm just feeling super hormonal at the moment. He's never given me reason to doubt his faithfulness before, so I know I should trust that's the case still. I just feel very unlike myself and I don't like it!

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 14/01/2017 21:34

Ah OP are you the poster that has quite a newbie baby, with the Bf who is a bit of a nob?

user1465649950 · 15/01/2017 09:27

He's not really a nob jeaux90 but yes!
That's the difficult part, I really think us being apart is helping him focus on dd.
I'm just not sure it's good for our relationship.
It's like my rational, clear thinking brain has gone and I'm just some crazy, obsessed psycho girlfriend. Im trying my best not to look at social media today, so I don't see anything that will upset me. He's coming round soon to take dd swimming, and I really want to ask him about his night, and about the girl I've decided he's probably sleeping with!
I know its ridiculous, I know if he loves me like he says, it should take more than a pretty girl to make him stray, and if he did I'm worth so much more. So why do I feel so crazy??

OP posts:

TheStoic · 15/01/2017 09:43

You need to decide what you want, and commit to it.

Either you are together and you are both in it 100%, or it is finished and you draw a line under it.

Anything else will send you mad.

user1465649950 · 15/01/2017 10:10

I know TheStoic but that's not a option right now. We are both in agreement that we are still 100% committed to each other though. I just need to trust that and it's difficult because I've never felt like this before. I guess having a baby as made me feel more self conscious than I realised or it's just that I've only had around 2 hours sleep in the last 2 nights!

OP posts:

TheStoic · 15/01/2017 10:17

You're 'not together right now' but you're still '100% committed to each other'?

What does that specifically mean?

Thinkingofausername1 · 15/01/2017 10:18

If he's in a band he will have to mix with all sorts of people. It doesn't mean he will cheat. It sounds like you are pushing him away and maybe insecure; because you don't feel part of his band life, perhaps??

jeaux90 · 15/01/2017 10:31

If you aren't in a relationship how can you be 100% committed to each other?

I think it's good that he is focussing on the relationship with your dd but if you guys intend to make a go of it you should be working on your bond as a couple too.

Part of that bond is trust and intimacy. I couldn't be committed to someone who I wasn't being emotionally and physically intimate with.

user1465649950 · 15/01/2017 11:00

TheStoic it's just temporary, hopefully. We agreed all the boundaries of our usual relationship are still in place. Or as my bf says, we aren't having sex with each other or anyone else.
jeaux90 I know it's complicated and I hate it! I do think it needs to be that he concentrates on dd though.
I didn't expect to struggle so much with it, I don't think I realised how much I relied on the intimate aspect of our relationship.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 15/01/2017 11:03

Sorry but you have decided that these boundaries are useful, I'd like to understand that logic. Can you explain it? You've just said you are struggling with it, have you told him?

I can't see the logic personally

user1465649950 · 15/01/2017 11:04

Thinkingofausername1 I've always been fine with the band, and all that comes with it. We've been together 3 years. I guess I did go watch sometimes before baby, which I can't do now, so that probably doesn't help.

OP posts:

TheStoic · 15/01/2017 11:04

It's not you with the problem. You are reacting to it in a completely understandable way. Anyone would struggle with it.

It's the status of the relationship that is the problem. You are feeling disconnected because you ARE disconnected.

JennyHolzersGhost · 15/01/2017 11:05

I remember your previous thread OP. From what I recall you are very young and have postponed university for a year to have the baby while living with your parents, but he is older - old enough to have a place of his own etc.
I really think that either you need to make a go of it - move in together and be a couple so he gets 24/7 family life - or accept that you're not together and you are a single parent, with him being an involved dad but not the main carer.
At the moment you're floating around between the two and it's making life much more complicated than it needs to be. If he isn't willing to move in together and co-parent together then you need to accept that your relationship is over.

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user1465649950 · 15/01/2017 12:16

jeaux90 I want to know that the changes he's making are for dd, when we're together it's harder for me to really see, how he is with her, if that makes any sense!! Its difficult to describe but when we're together it feels like there's no one else in the world. Obviously dd is an exception to that, for me at least! I'm not so sure for him and that's a problem.
I honestly hadn't given much thought as to how the lack of intimacy would effect other areas though. I've always been pretty self assured and confident and I've never needed reassurance from him!

OP posts:

user1465649950 · 15/01/2017 12:22

JennyHolzersGhost moving in isn't a option right now! I don't have enough money to move out and I wouldn't want to be 100% reliant on him.
I don't think rushing to live together would help our relationship or his with dd though.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 15/01/2017 12:26

Self assurance is one thing. A bond between two people is very different. Right now (and I speak as a single parent) you know you could do this alone. Bring your dc up and he could be perhaps a good father with regular contact.

But it sounds like this isn't what you want. It sounds like you are mourning for the intimacy and bond which you have put to one side. (Bizarre really of you do love each other)

I think you decide what you really want.

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