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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

A letter to my ex's Indian parents

90 replies

brightonrockk · 14/01/2017 18:35

My partner of 1 year and I have recently decided to end things. We are very much in love. He is indian, I am english. We decided we had to end it because of his parents - he is very loyal to them, he cannot be happy if they aren't and if that happens 4 years down the line then it's going to hurt a lot more than it does now.

I have never spoken to his parents, I don't really know what they truly think of me. I would like to write them a letter, mainly for closure for myself (selfishly) and also because I hope to remain friends with my ex for a long, long time and would like to reach out to the people who raised such a good heart. I want to tell them that I - we - never meant for our relationship to pain them, and they have got such a wonderful son.

I am NOT writing this hoping to change their mind about me - I will never be able to do that I don't think.

I just don't know what to put, or if there are any 'triggers' that will make them seriously dislike me. My ex and I are not together any more, we can't be, I painfully accept that, but we so strongly wish to always be good friends with each other.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Report

Finola1step · 14/01/2017 18:38

Write the letter but do not send it. Writing the letter may well be useful and cathartic for you, but could also open up a whole can of worms for your ex.

Write it, burn it. Then let it go.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2017 18:41

I remember your recent thread. I also think that he will become an ex for good reason but you remaining friends with him would only cause you yet more anguish in the long run.

I would write down your thoughts on paper but DO NOT under any circumstances send it to them. This should be shredded immediately after writing.

HecateAntaia · 14/01/2017 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohdearmissus · 14/01/2017 18:46

Yep, write a letter if it will make you feel better ,but dont send it.<br /> Staying friends will make getting over it harder.<br /> You will be pleased that you didnt send a letter in a few years time.

yabusothere · 14/01/2017 18:47

To be honest, they won't care

They will be rejoicing. Not being cruel but that is true

ohdearmissus · 14/01/2017 18:48

Crossed posts...
Listen to the others above....you will be so pleased that you did x

Bluntness100 · 14/01/2017 18:51

Don't send them a letter, you will cause problems for him. If you've accepted the relationship is over then you do not need to do this. Write it if you wish, but do not write to his parents, you do not know exactly what he has told them, only what he has told you he has told them.

You need to start to distance yourself, he will marry a suitable girl, have children and move on with his life.

ChuckSnowballs · 14/01/2017 18:53

The trigger is that you are not Indian.

Not sure what this would ever achieve.

justanotheryoungmother · 14/01/2017 18:53

I remember reading a post (I believe yours) about you and your boyfriend (now ex) and his strict parents, and I hoped you'd have been able to find a way to be together- I'm sorry that it didn't work out

antimatter · 14/01/2017 18:54

They don't care. Write it as a part of you getting over this situation.
Do not send it to them. They will mock you.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/01/2017 18:56

I'm sorry you are hurting Sweet, but you must not send a letter.
Not all relationships work out, plus, the relationship was between you and him, not his parents. Believe me, he wouldn't thank you for doing so.

EweAreHere · 14/01/2017 18:56

Don't send a letter. It might make you feel better, but they won't care. And they might make it harder for the man you actually care about.

Lessthanaballpark · 14/01/2017 19:01

Judging from your other thread I would say Hell Yes you should write it.

But don't make it a namby pamby "your son is so wonderful" letter! Call them out on being such a bunch of racists (the mother in particular) for dismissing you as trash when they don't even fucking know you.

You were far too soft on that other thread and you're being far too soft now. Instead of being all lovestruck a la Juliette I would be hopping mad that they judge you without even knowing you and that they send their son to uni in the UK but tell him to stay away from the natives. I mean what did they expect him to do?

They see you as an easy white girl who their son is just passing time with. But you're a person too who is in a lot of pain because of their narrow minded attitudes and they deserve to hear that.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 14/01/2017 19:08

it's your ex you should be writing the letter to for being such a knob.
He has always known that that he won't marry 'out' - so did he get involved with you?

He's been using you for fun and i doubt you'll be the last.
The kind of indian woman he wants to marry wouldn't do half the stuff he's been doing with you (as in she would be very limited in independence and freedom)

He comes across like a lot of knobheads i've come across before - male and female.
The 'have fun/do everything now cos you won't be allowed once married' mentality.

Blaming his parents is just a cowardly excuse.
My parents are very traditional and wanted us to marry 'our own'.
However, they have accepted my siblings mixed race marriages and embraced them.
It isn't an easy road to travel but if two people truly love each other they can make it happen.

I really wouldn't write a letter to them. It will most likely burst that bubble of theirs that their son is 'pure' and a virgin til his wedding night.
He'll probably get the full works of the 'we're ruined'/where did we go wrong/you brought shame on us routine.

second thoughts - might not be that bad an idea......

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 14/01/2017 19:09

*so why did he get involved with you?

TrinityForce · 14/01/2017 19:14

you do realise that no matter what his parents think, you will always be 2nd best?

Bluntness100 · 14/01/2017 19:18

I'd agree with the comment he always knew I'm sorry, one of my daughters friends is in this position, and I want to scream at her to get out now. The parents have already made the position clear and he always knew what he will do. Yet she hopes for a different outcome. It won't happen.

If you really do want to be his friend, ask him if you should write to his parents, I absolutely guarantee he will beg you not to.

It's his decision to do what he is doing. 100 percent. It may not had been an easy decision, but it's a decision he made long ago and simply didn't tell you.

KateDaniels2 · 14/01/2017 19:22

This is his fault. His parents siund awful.

But he knew what he was doing and knew he had no intention of marrying you.

Its him thats done this to you. Not them.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2017 19:25

I haven't read your other threads

Why aren't they happy?

Are they narrow minded bigots?

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 14/01/2017 19:25

Write it, give it to good friend for safekeeping.

Re read in a few months time and enjoy the feeling of being free and happy.

TwitterQueen1 · 14/01/2017 19:28

You have been together for only a year. That is nothing. And tbh, I doubt that his parents will give you a second's thought. I don't wish to be unkind, but really, you are giving this relationship far more weight and significance than it deserves.

Move on. Don't send the letter. Let him go. You are not right for each other.

OliviaStabler · 14/01/2017 19:29

Forget him. Sorry but he was using you for sex.

He always knew he'd have an arranged marriage. His parents see you as nothing more than a whore. Any letter you send will be ripped up and thrown away and you will be laughed at.

If he actually felt real love for you he would have broken away from his family, but he has not. He wants a cushy life.

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BackforGood · 14/01/2017 19:30

Agree with everyone else.
Write the letter for your own purpose if you wish, but there's no point in sending it to them. You've never even met them and have no relationship with them! What are you thinking it would achieve? It would make you look a little bit bonkers, tbh.

If you feel you love him, but can't remain in the relationship, then let him go, too - don't think you can "be friends" as you see him in another relationship. You are setting yourself up for more upset and anguish.

ClaryIsTheBest · 14/01/2017 19:31

Is sending the letter to his parents nice?

No. but I'm fairly certain he knew they'd never accept a non-Indian woman when he started this.

So, Idk. Do what's best for you.

Of course burning the letter would be better. But if you feel the need to send it? Well, that's your right.

ClaryIsTheBest · 14/01/2017 19:32

Wait. Not your right.

But you are allowed to do so. And if you're certain this will help you get over him? Then I think you should send it.

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