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Has he ruined me for life? An outside prospective please :((14 Posts)
My first ever relationship was 7 years ago. I say relationship. I was used for sex. I was so in love that it lead to the collapse of my mental health, to a point where I was self harming and I was briefly sectioned. I also miscarried his child. At this point I was barely 17. I loved him so much it's still so raw to talk about. He was so cold to me.
Fast forward 6 years. I'm engaged with a son and was living in bliss. Then I saw my old flame on a night out who broke down and apologised. I ended up sitting with him and consoling him whilst he said I was gorgeous, he always loved me and wished I'd of had his child. (Please bare in mind I've gone through years of intensive therapy to stop myself wishing he would say this to me). I started to get up to walk away and he tried to kiss me. I walked away. That was 18 months ago. I think about him all the time and I'm so mad at myself. I love my fiancé and son they are my world but when I'm alone I think of what could of been. Just before Christmas I saw him and he was so cold. I was silly, had a few drinks and asked why he said those things to me when he knew what they would do. He said 'sorry don't remember I was pissed'. So I finally after 7 years snapped and said - how could you do this to me again, all your put me through etc'. I was so stupid I should of told my partner as soon as he first spoke to me but I didn't want him questioning my love for him. Now I can't stop thinking about him and I hate it, it's driving me crazy. I hate him but in the small hours I think of what might have been. How do I stop this?! I appreciate it's such a silly situation and I'm so mad at myself. Has he ruined me for life? Will it always be him? It's taken me so long to build myself up but it's tearing me apart again. How do I stop these thoughts?!
what might have been?
You might have wasted years of your life with a manipulative, unreliable, cold hearted, untrustworthy, devious, selfish, heavy drinking, bully.
That's what might have been.
You might even now have been desperately planning and dreaming of escape, or already escaped and struggling to pick up the pieces of your self respect and confidence to rebuild yourself a life.
That's what might have been.
Think about what you have and what you want. You have a fiancé and a son who love you. Not a man who used you and had no respect for you.
When you think of your DS, would you want him to turn out like your Ex? Would you want him to ever treat a girl, the way your Ex treated you? Would you be proud of him, if he was that kind of man?
Hopefully you have the answer No to all those questions.
I hope that tells you he is nothing but a waste of space and you need to not allow him to take up your headspace.
What might have been is a major shit storm. Thankfully you escaped it.
You're not ruined for life. It's the whole 'might have been' and 'trying to fix what happened so it had a happier ending' thing. I've been through the same.
What you need to realise is that the scenario in your head where he is a nice guy, isn't real. He isn't ever going to see the error of his ways because he's a sociopath (if he's like my ex) who will say whatever he needs to, to get the reaction he wants.
You don't want him; you want what you thought he was, before you found out he was a shit. It's not your fault; you were just misled. Now you know the truth and while what he did to you will always hurt, you need to remember that you're worth SO much more and you deserve the happiness you have in your life.
If you feel like you need more counselling, do it. But don't hinge it all on this twat. People who love you don't abuse you. People who love you buoy up your mental health, they don't destroy it. Anyone can say they love you. It's the actions that tell you whether they do or not.
As for why he said what he did on that night out- it's more than likely that he just couldn't stand the fact that he hadn't won, that you'd moved on with your life, so he said what he knew you would want to hear, to suck you back in. They're cunning, these bastards. But you know better now.
What might have been? What a lifetime of being treated like shit?
This ex will never, ever live up to the image of him you built up in your head. He was tearful and nice to you that night for one reason - he wanted sex. He wanted to prove that if he clicked his fingers, you would come running back.
You have been in therapy before, might it be useful to book a few sessions to talk this through?
Thank you everybody for all what you've said. It's nice to see it from the outside. He is a shit and I need to keep reminding myself of this when I romantasize. Thank you all. A doctor once said if I could I'd diagnose you with OCD with this person which has always stuck with me. I'm so happy I had my fiance''s baby and not his (not that I'm happy I misscarried it was awful) just because I know when my son needs his daddy he is there. Thank you for reminding me xx
Well done for walking away 18 months ago, you are a strong person op. He however is a twat.
Of course he hasn't ruined you, no one has permission to ruin you unless you give them permission to. Whatever is going on with you has very little to do with him. I think you went through an awful experience and years later you were encouraged
primed to rewrite the awfulness but it didn't work because a) it was awful and b) he's still a monumental shit.
His reappearance was a trigger for a lot of unresolved issues (despite earlier counselling) and now you need a counselling top up to help you work through this. I know, given your history, that these unresolved feelings appear very scary but try not to panic. Take a deep breath and get professional support.
He hasn't ruined you, of course not, just look how far you've come. You can and will, work through this because you've done it before.
Stop being too hard on yourself and take care.
What might have been is now in the past where it should stay.
What you have and what you have to look forward to is here to stay.
Keep reminding yourself.
Keep walking away. He sounds like a nasty arse hole who would only have brought you down more. Maybe if you go out try to avoid the places you know he goes toox
So, after therapy you had come to realise that he wasn't a nice person and, in an accidental move that has helped you out no end, he has underlined this, proven it beyond doubt.
You could imagine sending him a Thank You card and then consign him to the "Wastebin of Growing Up and Making Mistakes2. That would be the best thing to do, I think.
Anything other than seeing him as an immature, selfish twat will only leave you doubting yourself. And, as your current life shows, you don't have to doubt you can love and be loved.
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