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Pregnant & DP has decided he doesn't want another baby

(72 Posts)
SillyBilly18 Sat 14-Jan-17 12:44:55

DP & I are likely to be in the process of separating. We have a 3 year old DC & I have just found out that I am around 4 weeks pregnant.

We suffered a miscarriage last year & have been trying for another ever since. I found out two days ago that I was pregnant & told DP thinking he would be thrilled. It turns out he doesn't want this baby & has now changed his mind about having another & has begged me to have an abortion.

I am so confused, I have been desperate for another for so long (I thought he was too, or so he said!) he says he wants nothing to do with this baby & if I keep it, then I am selfish & ruining his life. This has literally come from nowhere.

I really do not want an abortion, so it looks like I would be doing this by myself if I went ahead with the pregnancy.

Has anyone here had any experience of this? I just don't know what to do for the best.

Sorry if this is long, but any advice would be massively appreciated.

Soubriquet Sat 14-Jan-17 12:47:21

Don't let him pressure you into an abortion

Do what ever feels right for you. Single mums are much more seen now and if you're than determined you will find a way to manage

Sorry this has happened OP

Quarksoundslikequack Sat 14-Jan-17 12:47:25

He's being selfish not you.

He agreed to trying again & used no contraception (tell me if I'm wrong).

Being a SM isn't great however I don't think it's fair for him to make you choose him over the baby....I personally wouldn't!

It's tough but it's probably best you leave him, put your kids'll find a guy who wants you & yours kids

bummymummy77 Sat 14-Jan-17 12:49:17

I was in a similar position once. I did as he asked and went ahead with the abortion. For me it wasn't the right choice.

I have no advice except follow your heart.

Terrible place to be op, you must be so happy you're pregnant now so in shock. flowers

Offred Sat 14-Jan-17 12:54:25

Well, you are pregnant with a planned baby. If a baby really would ruin his life he shouldn't have tried to impregnate you so he just absolutely needs to suck up that completely appalling feeling.

Don't have an abortion because he tells you to. Only have an abortion if it is what you want.

He can't just announce that he won't have anything to do with it when you already have an older child together! Is he saying he is also going to have nothing to do with the older one too because he can't very well expect to just see one of his children can he?

And he will have to pay for both.

SillyBilly18 Sat 14-Jan-17 12:56:04

Thank you for your responses. He did agree to trying & no contraception.

I am in such shock, I thought this would be amazing but feel like he has ruined it. I don't want to go through this alone, but I will if I have to. I just can't lose another baby.

I hate him for this. I feel humiliated & foolish. He has even suggested that I will lose this one, like I lost the last one & that it would be for the best. How can someone be so cruel?

Sorry to rant, I'm not ready to tell anyone in rl about this yet.

Aderyn2016 Sat 14-Jan-17 12:56:48

He is an absolute prick. You haven't 'ruined his life' - if he didn't want another baby, he shouldn't have kept it a fucking secret! The time to have said so was before he had sex with no contraception.
I would go so far as to say that what he has done to you is abusive. He has tricked you into becomming pg under false pretenses and is now attempting to bully you into terminating a much wanted and planned for baby.
In your shoes, I would kick him out and keep the pregnancy. If he is the sort of man who would have nothing to do with a child because you won't do as you are told, then your children(both of them) will be better off without him. Make sure you persue him for child support though - no matter how much he kicks off, he is 50% responsible for the existance of those dc and he owes them financial support if nothing else!

SillyBilly18 Sat 14-Jan-17 12:57:30

Offred I have told him that he cannot pick & choose which child he has contact with - he sees both or none at all. I won't have either child made to feel unwanted.

rollonthesummer Sat 14-Jan-17 13:00:12

I'm a bit confused-you say you're in the process of separating yet you told him about the baby thinking he'd be thrilled. If you're only 4 weeks pregnant, you must only just have found out?

Or have you decided to separate since finding out you were pregnant-in the last few days?

SillyBilly18 Sat 14-Jan-17 13:02:46

I said likely to separate, which is based on his reaction/comments when I told him. I found out two days ago & told him straight away.

SparklingRaspberry Sat 14-Jan-17 13:05:45

Wow what a shit.

Please don't let him pressure you into an abortion OP.

What kind of man tries for a baby with his wife, only to turn around and beg her to get rid of it once she finds out she's pregnant? Sounds like you'd all be better off away from him to be honest.

You haven't ruined his life he has!

Offred Sat 14-Jan-17 13:08:36

I agree with aderyn. It is him who has 'ruined' your life if anyone's life has been ruined at all.

He has chosen to impregnate you and is now bullying you into an abortion and being extremely cruel.

I think I would have told him to leave right away after hearing that.

Offred Sat 14-Jan-17 13:11:12

Do you think he could be cheating?

I just say that purely projecting really as this is exactly how my ex dp and father of my two eldest dc behaved.

It turned out he was angry about the pg because he had told his OW we were separated but living in the same flat and a pg clearly and obviously indicates that isn't true.

Huskylover1 Sat 14-Jan-17 13:14:39

He said if you lost this baby, that would be for the best?????

Wow. That's unforgivable.

If you don't want to abort, then don't. And make sure he pays every penny of child support that he is meant to.

Offred Sat 14-Jan-17 13:15:58

He did try and claim in court that he was not DD's father and didn't make an application for contact with her but had accepted paying maintenance without asking for a paternity test so the court technically couldn't order a test.

But like you I said well he absolutely is not taking one without the other as they are both his and it would do immeasurable damage to them both if he did that. I risked contempt of court but in the end they agreed with me and ordered the test and surprise surprise it confirmed what I said - she is his...

He just got into hot water because he had told his GF/OW it was physically impossible she was and spun her (and the court!!!) a line about me cheating with some random Welsh man in a pub when I took DS to go on a santa train (and he spent the weekend shagging her in our bed).

He has as good a relationship with her now as he does DS but TBH he hasn't been a great dad to either.

SilentBatperson Sat 14-Jan-17 13:27:54

Bit late now!

You clearly can't have an abortion if you don't want one. Certainly not in order to keep someone who thinks it's ok to try and pressure you into it, and to tell you it would be best if you miscarried. Your posts so far sound like you're pretty clear on that.

Are you posting for hand holding and confirmation that you're making the right decision to continue with the pregnancy, practical advice on your options now, or both?

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs Sat 14-Jan-17 13:30:30

💐. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

I know it's easier said than done, but I'd pack him a bag right now and tell him to go.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, he could ever say to me could repair the damage he has done. Nothing.

You might not want to do this alone, I understand, but honestly, it will be better than trying to do it with him. Rip the plaster off and get on with getting on. You can do it 💐

Ooogetyooo Sat 14-Jan-17 13:37:16

Follow your heart, keep the baby if that's what you want. He has shown you his true colours now which must be heartbreaking for you, but I'm not sure I could forgive such cruel comments even if he does a u turn on how he feels about this new baby. You can do this by yourself.

Trifleorbust Sat 14-Jan-17 13:47:04

He sounds absolutely vile, OP. Separating from someone who suggested I might lose my baby sounds like what I would do.

SillyBilly18 Sat 14-Jan-17 13:54:39

Offred - I wouldn't have a clue if he was cheating, it's not something that's previously crossed my mind but he is away a lot at the moment & doesn't seem himself. Maybe it is a possibility I need strongly to consider as he's never behaved like this before.

Silentbatoerson - I think I'm looking for a bit of all of that really. As silly as it sounds, I've never been in this position before & after his comments, I've been left feeling so confused & wondering if wanting to go ahead with the pregnancy was selfish of me.

I also wanted some practical advice re. finances etc. I'm currently working part time, but I don't know if I will be able to afford maternity leave now. I know there is help I can get in terms of paying rent etc, but the last time I took mat leave, we had DP's income to support us as well as statutory maternity pay.

Offred Sat 14-Jan-17 13:56:42

Do you have a local CAB?

They can do a benefits assessment for you even just on various hypothetical situations to help you work out what you need to claim and what would leave you better/worse off.

They can also work out child maintenance entitlement.

Offred Sat 14-Jan-17 13:57:17

Or you can do it using turn2us or entitledto and the cms calculator online

SillyBilly18 Sat 14-Jan-17 13:58:46

I do, I hadn't thought of CAB. I will pop in next week & try & see what is available to me. I think I need to stick a practical head on so that I don't spend the next 8 months worrying about finances & get some sort of plan in action.

Offred Sat 14-Jan-17 14:08:00

Yeah, usually the way my CAB works (though all are slightly different) is you go to the drop in and have a short assessment just to get a picture of all the relevant information and they will give you an appointment to come back for the benefits assessments.

Some have a telephone service for the initial assessment.

I do the initial assessments at my CAB if you were my client I would want to get a general picture of his and your income and the terms of your maternity pay/leave. What, if any, benefits you were claiming, any debts and outgoings and your housing situation.

I'd ask you to bring more specific numbers with you to the appointment.

I'd probably ask whether you felt you needed any signposting to pregnancy support services or suggest you make an appointment with the gp and I'd discuss with you, if you were comfortable, a little about the history of your relationship with a view to understanding whether there had been any abuse and whether you might benefit from signposting/a referral to DV services.

I might also make you aware of coram children's legal centre re any advice about contact issues but it depends how much you could take in at the time.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 14-Jan-17 14:08:14

In your position I would not have the baby. I'd save my sanity and look forward to children with a different future partner as it looks like you have no future with this one.

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