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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I messaged to call things off for now, did I do the right thing?

28 replies

Vulnerability8 · 14/01/2017 12:00

Could anyone help me and give me some advise as to what they think I could have done in this situation.
I met a man I really like (OLD) 2 months ago. We get on well, have seen each other quite a few times and was initially really keen.
The thing is that after a few weeks the interest seemed to drop on his part and I think his divorce started to get more complicated (I had been involved with someone in the past who was getting divorced which wasn't much of an issue so didn't see this as a red flag).
He's got a really busy job with shifts, 3 dc and family he sees so I understand he's busy and with me having a teen ds too wasn't too much of an issue either.
The thing that became an issue for me was him arranging to meet me then cancelling (6 times in 10 weeks) for various family / work reasons and that his communication slowly declined and although was daily was often sparse, and I was feeling confused where I was with us.
Yesterday, I messaged him to say I wasn't sure about things, that I'm not very good with ambigious situations and that maybe things would work out in the future when he was in a better place in life but weren't really at the moment.
I've had a number of failed relationships in the past that I've kept on and on trying with and just felt like this was going the same way.
What would you have done?

OP posts:

Report

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2017 12:08

Exactly what you did

StealthPolarBear · 14/01/2017 12:09

You dd the right thing.
did you hear back from him

Vulnerability8 · 14/01/2017 12:13

Thank you so much for your reassurance. I haven't heard back. He's read the message.
He said earlier in the week he wanted to see more of me but was struggling with time and could I bear with him but the uncertainty of what was going on was making me stressed.

OP posts:

ladylambkin · 14/01/2017 12:15

Right thing to do

QuiteChic · 14/01/2017 12:17

Now block him and move on, or you'll give him way more power than he deserves.

HardcoreLadyType · 14/01/2017 12:26

You were quite right.

He may well be a lovely person, but it seems that he hasn't got the time and emotional energy to commit to a relationship with you right now.

SaltySeaDog72 · 14/01/2017 12:49

You did great, OP

Well done you

Vulnerability8 · 14/01/2017 13:15

Thanks for your help. I've agonised over whether I should have kept things going in case I did the wrong thing. I've agonised over whether I worded the message wrong as I had previously said he was a bit of a mystery and then it was a shame it hadn't worked out at the moment (he was thinking it sort of was).

OP posts:

Vulnerability8 · 14/01/2017 13:19

I'm very insecure so I analyse whether I did the right thing to the max.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 14/01/2017 13:22

You did the right thing. Whether he likes you or not, cancelling 6 times means he's not that into you.

ladygrinnings0ul · 14/01/2017 13:23

Block delete next ! You did the right thing no one has time for that

Huskylover1 · 14/01/2017 13:27

I think you did the right thing. The only other thing I may have done, would be to have dated other people at the same time, rather than being too invested in him. tbh, I couldn't date a man with 3 kids though.

Trills · 14/01/2017 13:29

6 cancellations!

Couchpotato3 · 14/01/2017 13:32

You did the right thing, absolutely no question. Stop beating yourself up, this was clearly not going in the right direction. He made the effort initially, but wasn't prepared to prioritise you over other things happening in his life. Not worth hanging in there for someone who doesn't put you first.
Next!

Branleuse · 14/01/2017 13:38

i think you did the best thing you could do for your own peace of mind.

PickAChew · 14/01/2017 13:41

There I never a situation when you should keep a relationship that isn't satisfying going, particularly when it's at such an early stage.

KinkyAfro · 14/01/2017 14:07

Yeah 6 cancellations in 2 months is pretty poor

alphabook · 14/01/2017 14:23

You definitely did the right thing. Sounds like a case of "he's just not that into you" unfortunately. Or is he definitely separated? Being so expectedly "busy" all the time would definitely ring alarm bells.

lookformeinrainbows · 14/01/2017 15:13

You have done the right thing for you. Who needs to be constantly second guessing whether something you've looked forward to, might be called off at the last minute.

I did feel a tiny bit sorry for him, as it seems he has been quite honest with you about his commitments, and asking you to bear with him. Perhaps suggest staying friends, and carry on seeing other people.

Vulnerability8 · 14/01/2017 15:32

I did feel bad as he was honest about his situation and I tried to be empathetic about it and bear with him but I found it stressful with communication being unpredictable as were meeting arrangements.

OP posts:

thegreysheep · 14/01/2017 22:42

I did similar recently and in a similar situation even down to 3 kids. Was going to text but ended up doing it face to face as the subject came up. The situation was so stressful as he'd bring discussion about the conflicts in his situation into our time together me to counsel him on so i felt like a rescuer. Also a few red flags like making fun of my job and losing his temper with a bar man over nothing. At first i was coming up with rational reasons to end it but then realised it doesn't really matter what matters is how i feel. I intended to end it by text as wasn't sure I'd feel safe but when we were last together it was so obvious i wasn't into it any more i had to say something.
I told him his situation was too stressful for me so I thought it best to end things before we started to resent each other. In fairness he took it well and no contact since. I have felt a bit sad on and off but 100% glad i did it. I think you did the right thing too FWIW.

BumDNC · 14/01/2017 22:58

I had a similar thing happen to me, he called it off when I sent a message like that, which I was fine about because I could see it was going that way, BUT in that instance his reasons were relatively flimsy and I think he just wasn't that into me. I can honestly say that someone who is into you just makes things work even if they are hard, although circumstances sometimes just make things really hard I do get that.

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Vulnerability8 · 14/01/2017 23:31

It's really helpful to get other's perspectives on it. I had a good crying session this evening as I hate to say it but I sent a message to ask if he agreed as I would see him in the future when his divorce is sorted out. I also think it's so rude when someone won't give a reply. I felt really low this evening but I guess I'm going to be upset as well.

OP posts:

Surreyblah · 14/01/2017 23:34

Cancelling that many times is shit! YANBU.

BonnyScotland · 14/01/2017 23:35

he has way too much baggage and commitments... if he's struggling now it can only get worse....

STOP texting him... your giving him the power and control....

take a big deep breath... and BLOCK HIM ...

Flip

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