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Was this abusive or is it just me??(7 Posts)
So have name changed for this & may seem slightly vague in what I write however should I put too much, it will no doubt out me!
Anyways, whilst with my ex partner he physically abused me (hitting/grabbing) & mentally.
He is an adult in his 30's, has a job & car & lives with his mother. He is into his fitness, likes to look good & doesn't smoke however has used drugs before but not that much so he says! (just to give some background on him).
We both have similar personalities in the way that we were vocal about wants and needs & quite hot headed & stubborn, however I believe there is always a stronger personality in any relationship & it was much easier to allow it to be him!
After reading some threads & posts on here about abusive people, I'm now left absolutely paranoid it was a joint thing!
I used to walk away a lot, primarily because he'd go on at me so so much & I couldn't hack it, otherwise he'd just keep telling me "what I did wrong" over and over, so I'd end up walking off to calm down.
If we had a discussion which turned heated, he'd point in my face & tell me to stop & ask why I would cause all of this & then proceed to tell me how my MH issues were getting in the way of our relationship.
When we argued, he'd tell me how bad of a person I am & as soon as he calmed down he'd say he said it out of anger & because I wound him up
Finally, he is the nicest person you could meet when drunk, used to tell me how much he loved me & wanted to be with me....I actually encouraged him to go out with friends as I knew when I'd see him....he'd be my perfect guy!
However, yes he went out a few times during the relationship & drank, I guess we were lucky enough not to get into an argument as apparently from the mouth of others, he actually can be quite disgusting & sexist towards females.
Apologies for long winded post!
Just wanted to know if it was me aswell as him & maybe I gave him reasons....I'm currently attending the freedom programme to help.
No, it wasn't you.
It was him.
Not sure which bits of your descriptions you even think could be you?
He sounds like a deeply aggressive and angry person.
Hope you are OK, sounds like you've had a rough time of it. I've just broken up with my ex and very down about it. Others on here have been wonderfully supportive so I hope I can help. What you say is similar to my situation:
blaming you for his moods
Getting angry and blaming it on you
Bringing your mental health into it.
Others have said this is emotional abuse. Do you tend to take the blame? I did several times so it gave him the green light to blame me for all his outbursts....I would apologise!
I wish he'd be remorseful and sorry but he isn't, he thinks I've ruined him
I believe he'll never change and will always look back and blame me until he's in another relationship and does it to the new girl.
I wouldn't blame anger on a partner so don't allow someone to do It to you
Please don't blame yourself. Many abusers shift blame and turn things round. It sounds like your ex was one of them.
Have you read Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that?' Its a MN cliché but I read it (after seeing it mentioned on here so many times) and it really helped me understand abusive men and how the excuses they use. It also helped me realise it really wasn't me that was the problem.
Your op details none of your actions, only his, other than you walk away and let him be dominant, so based on this, no it was all him.
Thank you for your replies....at no point am I looking for someone to justify my actions or make me feel like a victim (not that I'm saying you are).
He was just cocky & arrogant.
He would shout at me & say that when he's in a bad mood I should carry on as normal to get him out of his bad mood that I didn't even put him in!
He accused me of cheating on him once, I cried and begged him to believe me that I wouldn't do that & tried to put my hand on him, he flipped out & acted like I was trying to smear dog shit on him! I honestly felt like we were playing tag.
He's called me a slag, a whore & fat, however his reasoning was because he was angry.
Let's be 100% truthful, I'm not perfect by no means....I shouted at him too, when he'd make an argument up & go on and on and on, I'd lose my sanity and scream at him to shut up.
We had an argument once, he just wouldn't stop so I went outside for a fag, spent a good half hour to an hour put there to calm down, once I had I went back in & acted normal, he then made an argument because I was being selfish and sitting outside.
You can probably see that we fell out a lot!
On a bank holiday 4 day weekend we had a disagreement about something which ended in us discussing it for absolute hours that night, by the time we'd finished it was bedtime. He then proceeded to tell me how I had wasted the evening by arguing & had we not argued, we could have gone out somewhere.
He would always tell me how he planned to do this or buy that "but you kicked it off so I didn't bother", these surprises never materialised, he always had an excuse.
Come to think of it, we argued because he'd make weird assumptions in his head & start questioning me, going on & on. Of course, I didn't even back down, I would stand up for myself but in the end I'd just have to leave.
He just didn't know when to stop, he proved that when we were play fighting & he hurt me, I asked him to stop, he didn't listen, told me to stop moaning until my mum would step in & have to tell him to back off.
It was her to raised the whole subject of mental abuse, his guard slipped & he did it in front of her.
aquariamarina100 thank you for the suggestion
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