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Once an abuser, always an abuser??

(9 Posts)
Sassypants82 Sat 14-Jan-17 08:28:46

When I was 20-24 I had a relationship with a guy 8 years older than me. He was from a nearby country and moved to my city. I was in college & working part time (met in a work setting). I was with him as my career progressed & his never sis, really. He was constantly broke, not paying his rent & but using his money to buy marijuana first & foremost. He took advantage of everybody, me, those he lived with & worked with. He had no pride when it came to paying his way, being in debt or 'borrowing' money from people (mostly me - never paid it back). I paid for EVERYTHING & eventually got myself into debt.

He was verbally & physically abusive at times. Examples would be calling me a 'stupid bitch' etc and on a few occasions he pushed me, grabbed & shook me before throwing me down on a bad, punched walls beside me (broke his hand that time the idiot) and general aggressive behavior that I would not ever have been used to, having grown up in a very loving, stable family. My family liked him but sort of pitied him & I just felt responsible for him (he would say I was the only thing keeping him in this country which made me feel under severe pressure).

I ended it after the most frightening experience of violence, he grabbed me twice, shook me & threw me on a a bed. I was so frightened and decided that was that. There was no love there anyway - in truth I could barely tolerate him & was had decided to dump him once a holiday we had booked was finished. His personal hygiene was awful & although he could be funny, charming etc there was very little I liked about him in the end.

A few months later, I met my DH, who needless to say, is the polar opposite & hence why he's my DH, he's amazing. Calm, loving & a 50/50 partner to me & a very enthusiastic, loving father. Our relationship is worlds apart from the one I had with my ex bf.

A couple of years into my relationship with DH, ex got in touch to tell me he was getting married (on my birthday!! grin) and I just wished him the best. I went in to marry myself & heard that ex had a son, a few months after my own was born.

I often find myself thinking about his wife & son & wonder how he treats them.. Do you think in the right relationship a previously aggressive /abusive person can totally change?
He came from a background where he would have witnessed his father abusing his mother & he was physically abused by his father himself. They eventually split & his mother radically improved their situation. The mother & sister really think he's the bees knees. He's not though, he's immature, dirty, addicted to pot & was abusive.

Does it go without saying he'll behave that way to his wife?

aquamarina100 Sat 14-Jan-17 09:01:35

I'm not an expert but I think even if men like this appear to change they don't really. They might change the kind of abuse, so maybe no physical abuse but controlling/ financially abusive instead.

Sassypants82 Sat 14-Jan-17 09:16:03

This is my fear. I just hope she'd have more sense than I had 10+ years ago & not tolerate any sort of bad behavior.

Yankeedoodledickhead Sat 14-Jan-17 09:22:57

I don't think they ever change. I was with my ex for nearly 8 yrs. It was a horribly abusive place to be, although I just could not see the wood for the trees at the time. His abuse was mostly emotional and psychological but did include some violence on a couple of occasions.
In the end, he cheated on me and left me with 3 children.

The woman, more like a girl actually (he always liked them young) that he left me for, has been treated the exact same way. He was with her for 5 years and only split with her recently.

Already he is with someone else. She came with a ready made family. I feel desperately sorry for those children.

MorrisZapp Sat 14-Jan-17 09:24:15

I think if they're young when they abuse then there is hope for change? I have an ex who was manipulative, lazy and a terrible drunk. We split because eventually we just got bored with each other.

He's now a social worker with a wife and child. He comes from a lovely, supportive family. I think he's probably grown up a lot and learned to deal with his emotions like an adult, at least I hope he has.

I was young and daft but any grown woman hearing some of the crap he came out with would have booted his arse down the stairs.

Sassypants82 Sat 14-Jan-17 09:26:49

I know.. It's the poor kids most of all. It's horrible that think about them suffering at the hands of an absolute arsehole.

SaltySeaDog72 Sat 14-Jan-17 09:29:21

I dunno. My exH was a miserable EA twat.
He is damaged and was abused and witness abuse as a child. He's happy now with someone else. He's the same person but the circumstances are different. She doesn't have kids. Therefore the pressure to be grown up and responsible for dc is only there EOW and once a week. And I think she is very different to me, happy with the drama and wants to 'look after' him. So I think it all works differently. I was after and adult, equal partner. That was never going to happen. They seem happy. But of course you can never really know what other people's relationships are like. They certainly seem happy though.

stubbornstains Sat 14-Jan-17 09:32:26

He's now a social worker with a wife and child

Unfortunately, many abusive men work in caring/ support roles. My EA XP is a support worker. I think it allows him to feel a sense of superiority towards his clients, which he enjoys. Plus, it's great to build the image of "Mr Caring", and clever abusers are all about maintaining a front..

aquamarina100 Sat 14-Jan-17 15:41:50

I couldn't agree more stubbornstains, makes it far harder for someone to speak out if their partner looks so respectable and caring from the outside.

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