Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
EA or massive overreaction(44 Posts)
ok so I'm a first time poster, have been lurking for a number of weeks and would love some unsolicited advice!
I feel my DH is having an EA and am not sure what to do. I "accidentally" came across his twitter account and have to confess something about a private message caught my eye and wrongly or wrongly I felt compelled to read their message thread. Their messages have a very flirty/sexual banter to them and tbh i'm just not that fucking happy about it
So what caught my eye? Well his admission to her about his love of fingering! I'll give a list of the things that they have said to one another and please feel free to tell me if i'm being batshit crazy!
So it starts off with something along the lines of
Her: oh I was all excited then...fingering is a lost art
Him: it is indeed, I love fingering....it's a sort of gateway to forbidden fruit blah blah blah
Her: it's a lost art
Her: (spouting some shit about walking the dog) so glad I've got my warm undies on but wouldn't want anyone to see me in these but hey they are as comfy as fuck and keep my undercarriage nice and warm
Him: (his reply to this was a tad bit boring BUT did lead on to this little gem) my resistance nearly broken tonight by nice ladies offering me sex (he was on holiday in Thailand.......yes alone.....supposedly work related) he did decline on moral grounds though....lucky me huh!
They also discussed porn hub categories.......one of his faves was new to me! Her well she'd had a long lonely boring summer so was more than familiar with the categories
Him: I'm gagging for proper filth
Her: that would get the wrong juices going......a few in fact
Him: is there such a thing as wrong juices.......ah bless he's struggling to think of one
Anyways it kind of goes on like that some normal conversation some the same as the above. I should mention that they don't live in the same country so no chance of a hook up, it's all online. He doesn't know that I know about the messages.....he would go apeshit if he thought that i'd snooped on him (which I didn't to be fair).
What's tripped this off is that he mentioned her the other day (unaware that I know all about her) saying he was a bit concerned for her (MH) to which I got a bit cagey and started asking him why he was so concerned about someone he didn't know/hadn't met. To which it all kicked off and of course the obligatory "you're a stupid jealous bitch/always have been" kind of bullshit. He said he was done and has fucked off to a previously arranged holiday (yup by himself but also partly work related) and hasn't spoke to me for a week. No contact.....nothing.
This has caused me to have some serious anxiety and if you knew me you'd know that that is not normal for me! but i'm being driven crazy by the thought that he prefers her to me despite his declarations of love for me and how i'm his rock.
Am I being taken for a mug?????? Of course there is more of a background but it would end up being like a thesis.....and you'd get bored.....so fire away please let me know you're thoughts oh random strangers
It depends where your lines in the sand are really.
Are you prepared to put up with your husband sexting another woman?
It's not about whether he picks you. It's about whether you still want him.
Can you continue to love and trust him?
Being upset about this is in no way an overreaction. It's a serious thing.
Think about what you want.
Ok deal breaker for me. Definitely the wrong side of my line.
I'm sorry op. I'm not relationship guru but he's a cheating cunt and taking you for an idiot.
While he's away get all financial information and documents copied so you can start the legal stuff if you choose to.
Honestly I'd be sprinkling chill powder in his pants drawer and finding a shit hot lawyer..
You deserve better than this shoddy treatment x
Thanks for your replies guys! MizzEmma and Wallywobbles.....god i'd love to know where my lines are! i'm so crushed right now that I can't actually think straight. I do love him just not sure I trust him 100% tbh. And i'm glad you guys think that i'm not being batshit crazy!!! SallyVating I'm the breadwinner....we have no joint accounts....I pay for all the bills and am financially independent of him....so totes a good thing huh.
You know the worst thing for me is when I asked him if he'd spoken to her about sex he outright lied to my face! Why the motherfuck would he do that????? To me he's prioritised that relationship (platonic or otherwise) above ours which makes me so fucking sad as I've stood by him through thick and thin when most peeps would have left him a long time ago this sucks worse than having PMT and being on night shift
To be honest, forget what he has or hasn't done, he doesn't sound very nice. I wouldn't want him in my life,..
He operates as a single man on a psychological level. His lack of concern for you is tangible and if you expect that response if you challenge him. I think his behaviour is so blatant, so in your face, that you don't know what to do with it. I think you know where your lines are. I think you just don't know what to do about them because he is so selfish and nasty. Individual counselling for you would be a good place to start.
Sorry what I have written doesn't quite make sense. You're saying that you will be on the receiving end of a lot of verbal abuse if you challenge him about sexually intimate conversations he has had with another person. This is a defensive strategy. If you challenge him, he's going to bite back. It's not okay.
The messages are way off for a committed person. Worse than that is him calling you a stupid bitch.
Is this what you want?
A partner who talks to you like that and behaves like that?
You know what to do.
Thank you lovely peeps, i'm just feeling so very very sad almost to the point of self indulgence, I've given a huge chunk of my life to this guy and for it all to end because he needs his ego stroked/has to be found desirable by the opposite sex/whatever the fuck it is he needs is really demoralising. Of course i'm trying very fucking hard right now to not blame myself....the ususal suspects of did I not pay enough attention, have I let myself go, etc etc. I know I play a part in this demise but honestly I don't think I deserve this. oh and Kittybiscuits.....spot on!
Sorry Blackbeard, but it's not ending because you didn't give him enough attention or because he needs his ego stroked. It's ending because he's horrid. I usually like to see the best in people and look for misunderstandings which can be sorted out, but he doesn't seem to have a lot going for him. You are making all the effort and he is treating you badly.
How come you're the breadwinner and lay all the bills, when he seems to have a lot of work trips abroad??? A job demanding all that travel should surely have allowed him to contribute plenty financially?
'pay' all the bills, not 'lay'!
Someone once said to me you should not judge others by your own morals. So I won't do that. But I can say this would definitely be crossing the line for me . Both the conversations and the lies and going away without you. And I would say that of course you would be upset finding those conversations even if he does not physically see the person. How would he feel if you were speaking to a guy like that? Bet I can guess.
OH did something similar(went a bit further away than this actually). It nearly broke us up,and if his reaction would've been like your partner's he'd deffo had been out on his ass. Owning up to what he did,complete remorse,changes in his behaviour and his attitude to me and dd were the reason why i gave him a one(and only) chance.
I would dump him, he sounds like an asshole. You sound like a strong independant woman, you deserve a lot better than his nonsense xx
Thank you for your replies. So to answer your questions, I'm the breadwinner, I am the boring, stable, predictable and dependent half of the relationship who never rocks the boat. He on the other hand is very intelligent, firey, stong minded and opinionated. He has what I would call a severe MH issue but will not seek help/treatment because he knows better. He says he could not work a 9-5 job as it would kill him! He is however a talented writer, so he writes. This does not bring in much money to say the least, hence me the mug working full time. He has gone on several trips to get ideas for his books and I won't lie I do/did enjoy the time when he's away as the household is so much bloody calmer (mainly because of his MH issues). If he didn't have MH issues he would be so lovely!!!! You all say dump him cause he sounds awful, I know you're right and actually thought that that is what I wanted so why is it now he's told me we're done and not spoken to me in a week (we've never not spoken for this length of time before) that I'm so upset???? I really don't get myself sometimes And yes she follows him on twitter......I don't know how it got to be so intimate but the messages I did read just felt so wrong sorry for the rambling!
You are upset because he intends you to be, he has taken control. To feel better, you make some decisions. Remember, and tell him, the house feels better without him in it. Simple. Let him be talented somewhere else. His MH doesn't give him the right to make you miserable.
Oh bloody hell, a cocklodger who is sexting other women?! What is the point in him?
OP, you are paying for this man to live and this is how he's repaying you.
He's sending disgusting texts to other women. He's off finding himself while you're working to pay all bills. Come on, see sense. He's had his day. Now's the time to set him free.
you're all so totally right but I feel so bloody sad. I physically ache and all I want so badly is to feel better but right now this feels so inconsumable. I want/need him to know how much this has destroyed me, to know that what he has done is wrong but knowing him as I do that will never happen.....he would rather cut his nose off despite his face. To admit he was wrong......yeah hell might as well freeze over. I can never have another relationship again it hurts too much although I know he won't be lonely for very long.........my heart is broken.....
Do you have children together? Sorry if I've missed that..If not, just run for the fucking hills, no need to ask questions!
we do have children together but thankfully they are both grown 18 & 22. they know what he is like with his MH, we've been honest with them so that they knew why he would act the way he would when he was not in a good place. Running seems like a good answer but I don't think I can possible move on till I have some answers first
He won't admit he was wrong because he was 'addressing his needs'. He needed to feel validated, don't you know, to have a bit of excitement etc. And his need to be a spoiled brat trumps your need to be treated decently every time, and always will. He will only be there for you if it happens to match what he wants.
I'm so sorry, if a hug from me would make you feel better you could have a hundred! Think of how you feel as an illness, you need to vomit up the badness to let yourself move on and get better. Just get through it. It will feel better later.
It's weird isn't it, my DH can be an absolute arse because he has the social skills of a cabbage sometimes. He also holds all the cards financially. I would never behave to him the way yours has, not because I'm financially vulnerable but because arse or not I wouldn't want to hurt him. How little does he care to behave the way he does? He's taking the Mickey! You're not going to lose anything by showing him the door, you've everything to gain.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.