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He's done it again!

(15 Posts)
Pinkapple47 Sat 14-Jan-17 03:36:35

'd' p has done it again, messages and phone numbers on his phone of various women.
Posted about this in summer, we have been together 10 years and I was pregnant when I found he had been having an emotional affair (probably full on affair) but he wouldnt admit to more than emotional. Anyway, I didnt trust him before (just gut feelings so went through his phone- I know, I know!) after I found out about ow in summer, he was sorry, begged me for forgiveness promised me the world bla bla, tbh I really believed him and my gut feelings about him cheating were gone, I thought he learned from his 'mistake' but yet again ive found stuff on his phone.
We now have a ds, im on ml with no savings, we are just scraping by now, with his last wages from work. No family who can help out, im bloody stuck with this, my heart sinks everytime I look at him.
I do fucking everything for this man, I wash his clothes, clean his house, care for ds (he is a good dad) cook and arrange everything. This is gonna out me but he lost his job last week too, now he wont be contributing anything! But I wont leave, why wont I leave? How can I leave? Ive been with him since I was a child and now we have our child, my perfect ds, all I've ever wanted.

Sorry for rambling, any practical advice,?

Meffy Sat 14-Jan-17 03:43:41

There is nothing you can do! You have given him a second chance and he's betrayed you again!
From this point onwards you will never trust him as he's broken that trust twice!
I'm a firm believer that everyone can make a mistake, lapse in judgement ... everyone deserves a second chance ...... never a third!!!
You and you're DS deserve better! Good luck OP !

HerOtherHalf Sat 14-Jan-17 03:46:22

He's not a good dad. Good dads love the mother of their children.

No practical advice as the only positive thing you can do you have already ruled out. Why though? Don't you think you are worth so much more?

Hidingtonothing Sat 14-Jan-17 03:55:17

I can only tell you what I would do OP and, while I get that you feel there is no way out, I would find a way rather than stay with someone I couldn't trust. I know it's not that simple and may well take considerable time and effort but the decision would be made in my head and everything I did from now on would be geared towards finding a way out.

In practical terms I would start checking out benefit entitlement, housing options and sources of support so you don't feel like you're carrying the weight of this entirely on your own. I wouldn't even bother telling him what I'd found or that I was planning to leave til it was all in place and I was ready to go.

What's your current housing situation? Rented, mortgage, your name or his or both? I know it feels like a massive task just on a practical level let alone the emotional impact but there will be a way out for you, its a matter of chipping away at what needs to be organised and done til you get there.

For what it's worth I'm really sorry he's done this to you OP but if he didn't learn his lesson last time it's highly unlikely he ever will. Get out now before you waste anymore of your life on someone who can't show you the most basic respect and loyalty flowers

Pinkapple47 Sat 14-Jan-17 04:12:02

I haven't ruled out leaving, I just ask myself why won't I leave?! (Been through this before why didnt I leave before)
We are renting, in both names, I've made this house our home, spent a fortune decorating to make it perfect, hb wont cover the rent so I suppose I feel sad about leaving our home I made for ds the most.

Hidingtonothing Sat 14-Jan-17 04:39:56

It will all feel insurmountable right now but you won't really know what position you will be in until you check out all your options. When you feel ready it's worth checking out exactly where you'd stand on a site like entitled.co.uk, things might be better than you expect. I guess a lot will depend on whether he gets another job and pays maintainance but there's still tax credits etc to factor in.

You've had a shock and no doubt it will take a little while for it all to sink in and you to feel up to tackling any practicalities but there's some good sources of help and advice out there when you're ready. Til then just focus on you and your DS and tackle the rest as and when you feel up to it flowers

Pinkapple47 Sat 14-Jan-17 05:11:57

Im considering telling the ow husband, I never wanted to. But dp clearly isnt bothered, I am the only person who this haunts and I havent done anything! Why should they get away with playing happy families when mine is broken!!?

Evilrhooo Sat 14-Jan-17 12:56:59

Nobody is a good parent if they are doing this.

Huskylover1 Sat 14-Jan-17 13:23:06

Of course you tell the OW husband. I would fucking throw a hand grenade in to her life.

I wonder if guys who marry young, are tempted by "is the grass greener", due to lack of experience.

My ExH married me when we were both very young, and I was the only person he'd slept with....he just couldn't stop wanting to sleep with other women though....my now DH had slept with plenty of women before me, and has no interest in being unfaithful, as he's already been round the block several times.

You do need to leave him. Bide your time, plan an exit strategy. You don't have to be the one to leave. Tell him to go. That is less disruptive for your DC, and he should respect that.

Pinkapple47 Sat 14-Jan-17 22:10:44

Thanks husky but ow has made it impossible for me to contact her husband. Blocking me on social media from both accounts.
Dp is so lazy, im not sure where he finds the energy.

TimidLividyetagain Sat 14-Jan-17 22:14:33

If u know her name set up a new account u won't be blocked on

Sayhellopolly Sat 14-Jan-17 22:17:31

Forgive him this time and you will be giving him the green light to do this over and over again. Result for him, heartache for you.

If that's what you want then go for it. If not then sort it out.

Sometimes you really do just have to be brave!!

SandyY2K Sat 14-Jan-17 22:26:27

Dp is so lazy, im not sure where he finds the energy

He does what he wants to do and doing work round the house isn't something he wants to do. He finds energy for her, because he enjoys it and that's why he's not got any energy left at the end home.

I think I may have posted on your thread in the summer (or another similar story), I recall saying to that poster to tell her husband and shine light on the affair.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, but when it's exposed, it's not so fun anymore. You were put at risk and her DH is being put at risk.

You can create a fake Facebook page to check her page. Unless it's on full lock down, you might be able to find her husband from there.
You can also put her name and address into a search online and it tells you who else lives in her house. Her husband should be listed.

There are ways and means, but I suspect with pregnancy and then a baby, you haven't got the time to play detective and police your partner.

You know it's not just an emotional affair.

You forgave without consequences and now he doesn't believe you'll end it.

Iwantamarshmallow Sat 14-Jan-17 22:37:14

I am in an almost identical situation. I also find myself unable to leave. After a while you begin to beleave that you deserve no better and would not be able to make it on your own. Set up a savings account he cant acess and have an exit plan just incase. One day u may just wake up and realise it's time to go or he could end up leaving with OW. I know it's tempting to contact OWs husband to get revenge but it won't make it any easier or erase what they did from experience it doesn't stop the pain or anger. The best thing to do is focus on you and DC. Good luck. I hope you and DC find a way to be happy what ever you decide X

Iwantamarshmallow Sat 14-Jan-17 22:40:29

..... Once you forgive him the first time he will do it over and over again becuase he knows he can get away with it .

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