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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Middle aged and should have know better

18 replies

Trifle66 · 14/01/2017 00:06

I allowed myself to be swept off my old single feet by a very handsome and charming Spanish guy just before Christmas. We had a two day fling as he was on holiday. During the fling he told me he was in a unhappy relationship. I was having such a good time and because I knew it wasn't going anywhere I choose to ignore this. I'm not proud and I cannot tell anyone in RL. Since he has gone home I'm becoming more obsessed with him. It's been over 4 years since I'd had male attention and it's gone to my head.
I've stalked him on social media and have found his girlfriend- who has lots of loved up posts giving a different picture of their relationship. This makes me feel terrible. I've been a fool. I'm also terrified that she will know that I've seen her profile. I feel so bad I just want to dissolve.

OP posts:

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Offred · 14/01/2017 00:11

Eesh this is shit for you... didn't want to read and run!

It's really not good to knowingly carry on with someone attached but ultimately he is the one who was cheating.

I think for you you need to own the bad parts of what you did for you and for his girlfriend but I also think you are clearly vulnerable re your self esteem.

There is little sense in punishing yourself anymore than the natural consequences. I do think you need to maybe have some talking therapy to address why you feel so down on yourself that you were willing to go against your principles simply for some attention from a man.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2017 00:13

Would it help to unpick what you actually feel bad about?

Helping a cheater cheat?
Being taken in by a player?
Still having feelings although you know he's a nobber?

Trifle66 · 14/01/2017 00:32

I feel bad about all three mrsterryp helping a cheater cheat - that's exactly what I did Im so shallow for instantly believing him about his empty relationship. I need the reality check

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MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2017 00:33

That was his choice. He made the promises, not you.

Trifle66 · 14/01/2017 00:40

im trying to resist contacting him to say that I have seen his girlfriends posts and that he needs to sort his life out. He very publicly was interested in me yet he was with his friends who I assume know he is in a relationship.

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Offred · 14/01/2017 00:42

He's scum and not worth your time and energy.

Question is why don't you feel that way?

Trifle66 · 14/01/2017 00:49

I don't understand why I don't. I've been cheated on in the past. I should have had more solidarity with his girlfriend. I must have really needed the attention. I've had a bad few years and am feeling very lonely. I was totally amazed that this hot guy liked me and went with it

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BoxingHelena · 14/01/2017 00:50

do stop checking FB. Delete your crumbs. Do not even log on. You will show up in their "people you may know"
now, not that I would worry about consequences between the two of them, but so that you don't look like a mug / or that he can have another little fun holiday over here...

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2017 00:56

Guilt is your conscience's way of changing future behaviour. So just promise yourself you won't shag a chancer again and forget his shitty arse.

Offred · 14/01/2017 00:59

I've had a bad few years and am feeling very lonely

Honestly that may be all there is to it.

Does there need to be more?

You have made a mistake that's all.

Offred · 14/01/2017 01:03

Well, actually... you have made a mistake, you know what you have done and you know why...

No one is perfect and mistakes are how you learn. He is the one with the girlfriend. He is the one who told lies. He is the one who picked on your vulnerability.

It is not pleasant but equally you simply can't let it affect you to this extent. You are taking more of the burden of guilt than is fair IMO and it is causing you to obsess about his GF and him.

Beeziekn33ze · 14/01/2017 01:14

You need to try to put him out of your mind and forget the whole thing. It happened, its over.

languagelearner · 14/01/2017 04:51

Is '66 your year of birth, Trifle? Helena is right of course, inactivate your FB. Instead, go to "TED talks" and watch "How I hacked online dating", it's a bit more fun to watch and surely more productive. When I wanted to check the exact title, I also noticed that TED has compiled the following playlist (I don't know why possibly because a lot of people have an issue with it... ): www.ted.com/playlists/333/talks_for_the_hopeless_romanti Anyway, I was right about the title of the talk, and here is the (funny) direct link to it: www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating

hibouhibou · 14/01/2017 06:09

If you've found his GF's Fb profile, are you going to tell her what he's been up to?

Sayhellopolly · 14/01/2017 09:02

Shit happens. Put it down to experience and move on and don't tell her.

Trifle66 · 14/01/2017 14:03

Won't tell her. Don't want or need the the drama. You are right I'm going to draw a line under it and try to forget about it. I've deleted my account so I'm not tempted to do anymore stalking or to contact him. Thank you all for listening, still feeling bad about it but I guess I deserve to feel this way.

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OurBlanche · 14/01/2017 14:16

Oh just finish having your wallow, your single person pity party and then forget it!

You were the other half of someones holiday fling. So what?

You can either focus on how evil you are, how many painful deaths, ecological disasters and animal extinctions you have caused or you can take a deep breath, admit to yourself that you simply aren't perfect and get on living your human, real world life!

Come on Trifle buck up

Huskylover1 · 14/01/2017 15:50

Pfft. You won't be the only OW, he has shagged. Enjoy the memories. Look at this as kick starting your search for a relationship in 2017.

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