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How do I move on from having wasted my life?(9 Posts)
Regular but NC.
I got divorced 5 years ago from a nasty EA man. I should be enjoying my freedom but all I can do is regret the waste of my youth.
We were married for 30 years before I discovered that he had been having an affair for the last 3 years and in fact that he had had several affairs throughout the time were married including before i got pregnant with DC1.
I understand now that he resented me throughout our marriage for "trapping" him. I can't understand why he didn't say something then or one of the other times he had affairs. I am a competent woman and at that time was a high earner. I'd have been hurt but I would have managed fine without him. I suspect he liked the money I earned (he is very money orientated).
Instead he took it out on me by EA, never praising, complimenting or thanking me and constantly belittling me. He always told me how fat and boring and unattractive I was, even though I really wasn't when I was young. Eventually I developed binge eating disorder, lost all confidence and was made redundant.
FF to now and I'm fat, divorced and rather more than middle aged. One DC has SN and will be dependent on me forever. I can't even contemplate the idea of another relationship even if blokes were lining up to date fat 55 year old women, which they are not.
My parents didn't set a great example and I realise now actually laid the foundations for that abusive relationship. I get stressed very easily now and can't bear the idea of letting someone else abuse me.
All I really want is to live quietly now with my DC and be left alone. I crave a peaceful life but I feel anguished every day looking at the irredeemable mess I have made of my life. I have had a lot of counselling but nothing changes. I'm not clinically depressed, just fucking angry and miserable. If I could take a pill to wipe out all memories of my life I'd take it right now.
I feel trapped by the need to be a responsible parent and stay in the area I live in now so the DC can finish school. I know it is the right thing for them, but my whole life seems to have been lived for the benefit of other people.
It also means I have to stay in the same area as ex twunt who has a great life with lots of money, has remarried one of the much younger OW and has a new family with her. Why does he get to lead the charmed life?
I need to learn to lose the regrets and accept my life as it is now. Does anyone have a magic bullet?
Hey OP. The past is the past. No amount of thinking about it will change anything.
But you do have an opportunity to make your new life better.
I really liked the book the power of now. It taught me how to quiet my mind, stop churning over the past and take pleasure in the simple things around me at that moment.
You have options, you don't need to stay if you really want to start again somewhere new. I did. I moved back to the uk from the gulf with my dd and found a town that I fell in love with and settled there. Been here for 5 years now and love it.
Your self esteem....try doing things for you. You sound like a lovely mum but you are also you also be nice to yourself xxx
Courage. If you are depressed I would seriously advice a course of anti- depressants. They have helped me on a number of occasions to get over the worst, but I know that they are a big no no for some people.
Alternatively - get fit. Make it a priority.The energy you will get from this will be of enormous help. Put a long term plan together. I read somewhere recently that forgiveness is when you have stopped wishing you had a better past. Everybody has shit in their past, but you have to put yourself, your future and yr offspring first. You don't want your child to see his/her mother sad and regretful. Forward girl and courage!
I can not offer a great deal of advice but you're not alone and we support you!xxxx
I've been there Timewaste I was 50, widowed, no kids and realising that I'd spent the last 15 years married to an alcoholic.- I'd even been mad enough to marry the man knowing that he had big problems with drink. Before him I'd been married to a patronising supercilious man who'd made himself feel better by undermining me and eyeing up every available woman in our social group and having a few affairs while I was married with so called friends of ours ( I only found this out when I left him)
So there I was at 50 seething with anger at myself and regret for the life I'd not had. But it's all about a positive attitude and how you choose to view things. I did leave the first oh and survived - bought a flat made friends did well in my job - all positives. I did survive being widowed I got through his alcoholism and subsequent cancer and came out stronger - it took time but I moved closer to my family, got a new job found new friends, got a dog, took pleasure in being able to be me and enjoy simple pleasures like walking in the woods, not having to worry about DH being drunk or sober.
Yes, it was hard and I still sometimes regret my wasted life but I told myself that I can go one of two ways - either be depressed angry, bitter, or strong and positive. You owe it to yourself and your children to live your life as best as you can. You have been strong to have come this far, so harness that strength and use it to make a good life
Firstly, you didn't waste your whole life! Your marriage produced your DC, so take that as one positive.
Secondly, I understand that you feel resentful that your ExH now has a new life, but I promise you, he will fuck it ALL up, by cheating on her. I can remember when my cheating ExH moved a new GF in "well, if he can cheat on his wife (me) who is the mother of his children, I bet he will cheat on a GF".....and guess what? Yep, he most certainly did. She left him, and he's now all alone at 50. Because guys like this, are not capable of change. His whole life will come crashing down one day. Hopefully though, by then, you won't get any pleasure from it, as you will have moved on.
Regards your weight, do you want to lose it? I lost 30lb last year. Consumed 1200 calories a day and walked for 4 miles every day. It only took 4 months of this, to lose it.....not saying you need to, but I'd recommend that as a very simple way to, if it's what you want. My fitness pal is a great App, that you record your food and exercise on. Loads of people have reached their target weight, using that.
Maybe when DC have left school, you can relocate, if you'd like a fresh start?
Don't write yourself off at 55. My Uncle dumped my Auntie, when she was in her mid 60's. She has since found real love and is happier than ever.
Your ExH is a tortured soul, he will never find true happiness. You, on the other hand, sound like a lovely person, and you will find someone else.
I think most people, if they had their time over, would do things differently. It's life. It's very tough though and I can understand entirely why you're struggling.
Number one, i'd say have compassion for yourself. You made what you felt were the best decisions for yourself at the time. So many people get trapped in bad marriages which trundle on for years.
Number two i'd say live your absolute best life. You still have lots left of it and again I think it's very common that people prefer their later life. Youth can come with a lot of hardship and indecision and feelings of inadequacy. Ok so you have limitations but what are the things you could do now that would bring you joy. I read Marie Kondo's book on decluttering and it has transformed my mindset. I am much more determined to go out and do what I love. I have a holiday booked for myself this year in rather a cool location (airbnb so cheap). I am moving to a new city. And perhaps most importantly I am really treasuring my time with the people I love and am pursuing a craft I adore. I know not everyone can afford a holiday or just move but I bet you there are changes you can make. Life has an awful lot of good in it and you have to aggressively pursue what makes you happy.
Your dh sounds like a shit and thing will most likely blow up in his face at some point.
Oh and I can highly recommend doing a Whole 30. That has changed my life as much as Marie Kondo has.
My mother had similar disappointments in her marriage and life. But after fifty she managed to live the life she wanted to live and had her best years.
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