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Help with managing myself

(8 Posts)
user1484343835 Fri 13-Jan-17 21:56:40

Can I please have some honest advice . Have been in long abusive relationships for ever it seems . Only now I'm trying to be on my own , I really do not want a relationship with anyone for a very long time . My ex ( we do have child together) was /is a lier and a cheat . Amongst other things is a waste of space . But when I'm on my own I'm happy postive etc . But then he will ring /txt and it's like I get obsessed with him . To the point we txt each other but cos he treated me so badly I keep having to bring things up and I text nasty stuff. Literally he cheated n lied for all of our relationship. It's like I want to hurt him with words so I continuously say these things .he was abusive on all levels. We had no contact for a year . I just don't no what steps to take . I'm up and down and wonder sometimes if it's me .

ALaughAMinute Fri 13-Jan-17 22:41:10

The first thing you should do is to keep the contact to a minimum and refuse to talk to him about anything other than your child.

The second and probably the most important thing you should do is to realise that this man abused you and will only ever make you unhappy.

You deserve better than this. Be brave and set yourself free.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sat 14-Jan-17 02:35:59

I agree with ALaughAMinute
Also, you being indifferent towards him would bother him more than any other reaction. Fake it until you make it. I know that is easier said than done. But it is worth the practice to get to that point.

Quarksoundslikequack Sat 14-Jan-17 02:58:20

After a mentally abusive relationship which only lasted 8 months....no matter how how it will be in the future, I will ensure once I start seeing the signs, I walk away!

Currently attending the freedom programme to help me realise it wasn't me but actually him.

ineedmorelemonpledge Sat 14-Jan-17 08:14:10

Your ex probably got a thrill out of the things he did. Cheating and lying and generally pulling the wool over your eyes.

I honestly believe with some men that they take up that behaviour as a challenge, to make themselves superior by trying to make the victim look stupid. Then they lose more respect for the victim and round and round it goes.

By expressing your anger and frustration at the way he treated you, and how upset you still are, you are feeding the fire. He'll get off on the fact that you still pay him attention, and that he had affected you so much.

Stop giving him the attention.

The most frustrating way to hit a narc is to close the window on your World.

Leave him tying himself up in knots. Why doesn't she contact me, why isn't she angry, what's going on, has she met someone etc etc . Far more frustrating for him.

Focus that energy into something positive, like how arsehole free your life is now, and what you can do to make the most of it.

user1484343835 Sat 14-Jan-17 11:36:38

Thank you for the advice, basically he's one of them that often calls or txt me to talk about non relevant things. I'd rather just keep things to a minimum- and he knows it . It's hard to totally move on from these situations when you share a child . I know I have to be stronger .

user1484343835 Sat 14-Jan-17 11:40:34

Going to take all your advice on board

ineedmorelemonpledge Sat 14-Jan-17 11:44:24

he's one of them that often calls or txt me to talk about non relevant things.

He's maintaining contact with you to remain in your life.

I would see it that he lost any privileges to be on a friendly basis with you when he lied and cheated.

You don't owe him anything. You just owe your child the organisational process of setting up contact and visits.

If he starts to meander the conversation to other topics just reply, "OK if you have nothing more to discuss about DC I really need to go"

Better still stick to written messages.

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