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So confused over my marriage

(13 Posts)
MerryRealisation Fri 13-Jan-17 21:35:49

I posted before Christmas asking for people to help me see the positives of my marriage.
At that point things were bad and had been bad for a considerable amount of time. I was struggling to see the positives or was I just taking the positives for granted??

Anyway, I've spent most of the time since realising that I'm not happy. I want someone to show me love and affection and vice verse.
However, I must (for once in 20 years) be giving off different signals as DH appears to be changing ever so slightly. I haven't said anything and he hasn't seen anything.
I haven't been eating much as really struggling with processing everything. He seems concerned about this.
Today he brought flowers. He NEVER buys flowers. Ever. He even put them in a vase. Total first.
He's kissed me on the forehead (that's the place he normally kisses me goodbye) more times this week than in months. He's made the first touch and pulled me to him for a quick cuddle. He's actually showing caring signs that he hasn't done in forever.

So now I feel like a total cow as I've spent the last 3 weeks deciding in my head that it's over. That I want to split.

I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. Any advice? Or things to consider? Or personal stories?

MerryRealisation Fri 13-Jan-17 21:37:15

Last thread in case it's helpful for background

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2811087-help-me-to-see-the-positives

PollytheDolly Fri 13-Jan-17 21:41:59

See how it goes. No rush is there? Don't feel bad just because he's making an effort now, should've done it before.

Take the pressure off yourself x

MerryRealisation Fri 13-Jan-17 21:47:18

This is true.

It's just I've spent the last week imagining a different life. I got quite excited.

And now he's making me feel crap for having these thoughts.

I'm also quite the expert at putting pressure on myself confused

flapjackfairy Fri 13-Jan-17 22:03:42

He may have picked up small signals that you are moving on mentally and be responding to that.

MerryRealisation Fri 13-Jan-17 22:14:50

I think that's the case. But I can't decide whether it changes anything?
Do I keep going and maintain the status quo or do I search for the, possibly elusive, greener grass??

pallasathena Sat 14-Jan-17 07:26:01

I think you've got him worried, he appears to have picked up on the fact that you've withdrawn from the relationship and he is now trying to win you back with flowers and affectionate gestures. Which is fine of course...but, is this a real meaningful change in his attitude or is it just another gesture?
Only time will tell I suppose.
My intuition tells me (after reading your other thread on the same topic), that it is indeed all gesture and yet, if he has woken up to the fact that he could lose everything just because of his selfish, entitled and twat-ish behaviour, then just maybe, he's prepared to really step up.
However, he comes over as the type who really doesn't get stuff very easily when it comes to domestic arrangements, pressures and stresses and very likely, needs things explained calmly and carefully as to what his role needs to become.
I think this is a good time to spell out to your DH what your expectations actually are and to tell him that either he does his level best to meet those expectations or you will have no option but to reconsider your future with him.
Sometimes, tough talking is what they need.

picklemepopcorn Sat 14-Jan-17 07:30:18

Maybe he has noticed you are unhappy, rather than angry with him, and is responding to that. I think when we talk to our DPs about what we want to change they can feel defensive and angry and back off. You haven't done that this time, you have just withdrawn, so he can step up without feeling bad. Do you see what I mean? I'd live with it a bit longer, see how it feels, and reasses. You don't have to stay because he is trying. You don't have to feel guilty that you were thinking about leaving. Just stay as long as you want to.

whyohwhy000 Sat 14-Jan-17 07:55:28

Do I keep going and maintain the status quo or do I search for the, possibly elusive, greener grass??

I would wait for now and see if he maintains this.

MerryRealisation Sat 14-Jan-17 08:34:27

Thank you all.
Pickle, your last three sentences are really great thank you.
I'm not the sort of person to rush into things so will see how it goes. In the background I will keep my options open and continue to investigate.
I suppose that my real worry is that I won't be able to find that love with him again. He has systematically beavered away at eroding it for years.
Can I continue to live in a relationship where we are just living in the same house? I suppose that's only me that can answer that.
I also need to feel better. Since this really started I have hardly eaten, lost 8lbs, and constantly feel sick. I can't carry on like this.

Sayhellopolly Sat 14-Jan-17 08:56:01

You can get it back if you had it in the first place. We have managed this despite a period of around 5 years with little affection, hardly any sex (maybe 10 times in 5 years) and generally apathy towards each other. We were drifting and just taking each other completely for granted. I decided to have one last go at seeing if things could be repaired by starting to use compliments and do nice things for him. After a little while he started to do the same back. I was getting comments like "you look really nice in that outfit" or "your hair looks lovely today" etc....slowly but surely we have been drawn closer together and I am so glad I made the effort to do this. We now kiss and cuddle and have have sex much more often It's been a remarkable change and I feel closer to him now than I have in 20 years. We are a year on from the start of this and it was worth the effort. It may not work for everyone but it might be worth one last try and if in 3 months or 6 months you are no further on than perhaps take
Steps to call it a day.

MerryRealisation Sat 14-Jan-17 10:21:48

That's good to know Polly.
Can I ask, did you still have sexual feelings towards him throughout the not so great times? Or had that gone totally?

Sayhellopolly Sat 14-Jan-17 13:29:41

I was sexually attracted to him when we met and have always found him attractive but I haven't always been attracted to him if you see what I mean. During the period of taking each other for granted, I had spells of not being attracted to him and not bothering if we had sex as he was actually annoying me more than appealing to me. He has admitted the same to me and said that at one point he wasn't sexually attracted to me at all as we were just not clicking. We had lost our connection and got to a point where I think had we gone on like we were then we would have split up. We have both admitted to finding other people attractive during this period although never acted on this but it shows how the eye can be turned if something is missing at home. Things are much much better now though and I think we are very much back in the fancying each other stage.

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