Liar liar pants on fire

[Adory]

I know I am being lied to by my OH. It can be lies that make no sense 'I told you that before' when I have no recollection (nor does my sister whom I tell absolutely everything - though he doesn't know that!) to lies about money, where he's going/been etc.

I know the stampede may come to say LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM... but I won't do that, so please help me deal with it or suggest what to do rather than tell me what an idiot I am and how I could do better.

He has a history of lying according to a close family member who gets very irate when he knows he's lied again.

Help me, I feel like I'm drowning 😰

[RandomMess]

It's call gaslighting and it's abusive...

[Whatabloodyidiot1]

Well if you won't leave him what do you want people to say?! 'Stay with him and let him carry on abusing you, maybe he will actually drown you, best of luck'!

[TheUpsideDown]

Why do you want to stay with a liar? Genuine question btw...

[Offred]

Yeah, like other posters I am at a loss as to what to say if you won't even consider leaving him.

He is a lying liar who lies and gaslights you. There are only three options;

1. Put up with him lying and treating you like an idiot and don't say anything.
   

1. Put up with him lying and treating you like an idiot and call him out on it and get more gas lighting and abuse.
   

1. Leave him because he is an abusive lying liar who lies and is making you feel like you are drowning.

[rollonthesummer]

Why would you want to be with someone who you know is lying to you?! Genuine question!

[RainbowsandLemonDrops]

[Cookingongas]

I have nothing to say. You've asked me not to say what I want.

So I will say- I hope it all turns out well and you live happily

[Offred]

(And you are not an idiot, he is)

[DonaldStott]

I am at a total loss as to what advice you want.

[BarbarianMum]

What does he get out of it? Is it to "get out of trouble", to wrongfoot you, to cover something up?

[category12]

What does he do if you challenge him on his lies?

[Adory]

Being a liar was not on my top ten traits of my Prince Charming, believe me!

He obviously has issues.

I was hoping for some advice off other ex-liars! Or perhaps an insight as to why certain people do lie. If anyone has experienced this sort of thing before and how they dealt with it and the outcome of said dealings.

I won't leave him for the sake of the family, but having just learned he's lied again I felt I needed to come here for some advice.

[Offred]

You want to be told how you can get through to him and get him to see how badly his stupid lies are affecting you right?

That won't happen. He knows. He gets something out of lying and gaslighting and he won't stop doing it if you can just find the right way to say it to him.

Nothing you can say can cause him to change his mind because he doesn't respect you.

You can't get someone else to get through to him because he gets a lot out of treating you without any respect and because he knows you won't consider leaving him so he can continue lying and have the relationship.

Failing that you want to know ways to cope better with his lying. You can't be happy in a relationship with someone who hasn't got respect for you and lies and gaslights. You can cope with it but eventually you will either grow to hate him or you will constantly feel as you do now - unhappy and overwhelmed.

[Adory]

Barbarian there are some occasions when I wouldn't be happy with the truth e.g. I've spent the last of the money on fags sort of cover up.

But there are some that are really quite out of control such as failing to pay speeding fines, which turn into the police calling at 4am. Why didn't he just tell me so we could sort it together rather than hearing it from the police.

(Details have been altered just in case I put myself here)

[Adory]

Category from experience if I don't have proof I get nowhere. A gut instinct will just get me a row and be pointless. Proof will get me denial or 'you knew, I told you' to eventually admitted whatever it is. But it's a long road to admittance!!

[category12]

newscult.com/gaslighting-for-dummies-how-to-deal-with-it/

[Adory]

Offred I think you hit the nail on the head for how I'm believing right at this moment in time. I do feel exactly those things. And I'm sure you are right but if there are any similar sufferers that have some ideas, I want to try everything before it's too late and the hate is set in

[MorrisZapp]

Well doesn't he sound a delight. Nobody here is going to advise you how to manage this abuser. I assume you've already read him the riot act, demanded that he change etc but it still keeps happening?

[Believeitornot]

You either call him out on every single lie and tell him you know he's lying

Or you leave

And ask yourself why you put up with it

[43percentburnt]

Are all the lies over similar things? Money for example or not doing something he promised to do?

Or does he just lie about everything and anything?

[Offred]

I completely get that feeling! It's just from outside your relationship I know how it will end.

Think about it - this is his problem, how can you fix it?

You've told him it makes you unhappy. That clearly is not sufficient motivation for him to consider it a problem he had to do anything about (nor is the police turning up) and in fact his behaviour in gaslighting you indicates that he really doesn't feel he is even doing anything wrong.

I get that you are not in a place emotionally where you want to leave right now but leaving should always be something anyone is prepared to do in a relationship otherwise the other person can just walk all over them. What about setting a time limit in your mind? Six months of picking him up on every lie and not accepting his gaslighting and if no change you will leave then? You might want to also add not doing anything that leads to the police knocking at 4am too...

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

You must be stronger than me because that would do my head in. I'm not being sarky, how do you respect him? He can't believe you're very smart if he tells habitually lies.
At some point like The Boy Who Cried Wolf he will regret doing so.
In the meantime hope you have a great memory so you can rattle off time, place and context any time you catch him telling a small fib or whopper.
Or stop challenging him and let it wash over you.

[Adory]

I found out a whopper a while back and he was devastated. I honestly thought that was it. But it wasn't.so yes, I read the riot act. But here I am.

As far as I can tell the lies can literally be about anything (though they may have a common denominator I'm not sure) e.g. Lies about having no money. Lies about going to his parents. Both lies are to go to pub with friends. It's a thing I don't know - why he lies. It's so frustrating I'm really open minded and quite approachable!

[category12]

I don't know. At a certain point you will lose all faith and hope in him, and that'll be it. I don't think anything else is coming.

[MichaelSheensNextDW]

It's not your job to change him. He's not a child learning to function in the world and you're not his mummy.