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Help needed - should I end it now?

(22 Posts)
ghosted Fri 13-Jan-17 20:00:27

Good evening and sorry to bother you all about the same guy (I posted about him on other threads).

So, story is as follows, chatting online with guy from same town as me who currently lives abroad. We chatted almost every day, etc.

Then he disappears for about 6 weeks, I thought I had been ghosted (hence username). Fine, these things happen, although please remember we are both mid 40s.

He comes back with no explanation and we agree to meet (he will be in the U.K. End of January).

But since then I haven't heard from him again, he contacts me every 10 days or so. The magic is gone, although when he texts I feel warm again.

This would be a very short term relationship/one night stand as I am in menopause and he wants children. I am single, never been married, no children.

But I want to feel special even if it is one night stand whilst I feel like he is not making an effort any more now that he has "caught me" so to speak.

Thing is I also don't want him to think that I am spending so much time thinking about him.

Having said all this would you:

1. Go ahead, have a one night stand without the magic? I haven't had sex for eight years or so
2. Just find an excuse not to see him and let the all thing finish before the one night stand? As I said, it will finish quickly anyway
3. Explain that I want to be wooed and if he wants to sleep with me he needs to at least pretend that he has some sort of feelings for me (just until the date)? I am very proud and would hate to do this, but I bow to the collective mumsnet wisdom

Thanks for your help.

category12 Fri 13-Jan-17 20:04:45

Go fishing for someone else. This is just not going to give you what you want. Find someone who makes you feel good. Sod someone who makes you feel he could take it or leave it.

5subjectnotebook Fri 13-Jan-17 20:05:28

You've obviously spent a lot of time thinking about this.

What do you want?

ghosted Fri 13-Jan-17 20:20:58

5subject I want the sex but with some wooing as it used to be a few months ago not like this. I have been thinking about this every day for months.

How can I make him understand that ons is fine but I want to feel seduced and chased a bit? He used to do it without my prompting he knows how to do it, but now clearly he can't be bothered to make an effort.

D-day is less than 2 weeks away.

If it doesn't happen I want to come out of it with my dignity intact.

category12 Fri 13-Jan-17 20:23:07

If you have to tell him, it won't work for you anyway. What's so great about this bloke?

Kidnapped Fri 13-Jan-17 20:30:47

Him again?

Is this the guy who came to the UK for a wedding for four days, arranged to meet you, went AWOL, and only contacted you from the airport on his way home?

And this:

"3. Explain that I want to be wooed and if he wants to sleep with me he needs to at least pretend that he has some sort of feelings for me (just until the date)? I am very proud and would hate to do this, but I bow to the collective mumsnet wisdom".

You're really proud so you don't want to have to ask him to pretend to have feelings for you. But you'll do it if someone on here tells you to?

You really can't see how utterly screwed up that is?

ghosted Fri 13-Jan-17 20:31:24

Well I was thoroughly seduced but now it is all becoming less and less exciting. I feel used, when he was bored he was always chatting to me and now that he has other things (I assume) he ignores me. He might have found a girlfriend, who knows? I am sure he would sleep with me anyway but I don't want him to cheat on his girlfriend if he has one.

And I want some romance, which clearly he will not provide any more now. Although I am sure he would be very attentive if we met up, but I know it is all a big act for him.

I guess I will go for option 2, will say I am sick with a bad cold. He is only staying for one week so i will tell him maybe next time and then I will simply reply with one word if he ever contacts me again.
He is very good at getting the message, so I am sure he will understand. What a shame. I am destined to be alone, which normally I don't mind too much, but sometimes I do.

ghosted Fri 13-Jan-17 20:33:19

Kidnapped, no that is not him (might be his twin brother though I notice some similarities in their behaviour). But as I said, my guy is equally uninterested in me. Maybe I am good for a shag but not to have something more meaningful.

category12 Fri 13-Jan-17 20:37:16

Don't be so dramatic, you're not destined to be alone. You just need to raise your sights and not get sucked into wasting your emotional energy on someone like this.

category12 Fri 13-Jan-17 20:37:52

Ditch 'em hard and ditch 'em fast if they're not up to scratch.

Kidnapped Fri 13-Jan-17 20:40:50

Oh sorry. Must be another poster.

But anyways. You need to forget all about this guy. A quick "I don't wish to continue the relationship. All the best" text from you and it is done.

Block him on everything. And then think about how you can make your life better. You do sound lonely - how about joining a sports club? They tend to be pretty social. Or book a singles holiday? Or a holiday with a mate?

ghosted Fri 13-Jan-17 20:42:07

Thanks category12, I have been thinking about this so much that I can't see the wood for the trees.

I will ditch him but gently there is no need to be confrontational. In this way, I can always remember the months we spent chatting with pleasure rather than tinted with the anger of the last conversation.

ghosted Fri 13-Jan-17 20:46:09

Kidnapped, I do feel lonely sometimes I don't have many friends, I work, then come home, watch some TV and then go to bed.

I did think about OLD but I think I am not aggressive enough. Maybe joining some sports clubs would help, I will look into it.

Really need to get him out of my mind as there can be nothing between us.

category12 Fri 13-Jan-17 20:46:44

That's nice of you, but don't forget he had no problem at all just vanishing on you for 6 weeks.

For the future, if someone does that to you - don't start things up again unless they can prove they were in a coma.

rosabug Fri 13-Jan-17 20:52:41

This guy will have lots of contacts online. Hence the disappearing - you are a back-burner, that's all. You are making too much of one contact because all texting, messaging is partly illusory (60 - 70%?), but when you do too much you start projecting your own fantasies onto it. As one other poster said - go fishing, lots of nice enough guys out there to spend a few evenings with. Meet them as soon as possible - don't fall into the long messaging thing. Forget about 'being wooed' - that's nonsense and leaves you open to guys who know how to play that game.

PollytheDolly Fri 13-Jan-17 20:53:49

Fuck him.

No no!! Not like that....grin

As in, find someone worthy of you OP.

ghosted Sun 15-Jan-17 19:08:50

Hi all,

I just wanted to update you on my relationship with W.

I sent him a message saying "Hi W, hope you are enjoying the hot weather, it is freezing here although the dreaded thundersnow has turned out to be a damp squib.

Anyway, I don't think our catch up is going to happen. We are at different points in our life and casual flings are not my things, I am afraid.

Having said that, I enjoyed our chats and remembering the funny things our mutual friends got up to in Senior School.

Best of luck and may the future bring you everything your heart desires and much more. "

He answered straight away saying that he understands totally and he knows that I have high moral standards and good luck to me as well, he has also enjoyed our chats and will never forget me.

Then I blocked him.

So, it is done! I watched a film today, tidied up my house and signed up to tinder. Tomorrow, back at work. I think I will have to get more serious about dating, I signed up to tinder today let's see what happens.

What a shame this dating game is so difficult!

category12 Sun 15-Jan-17 19:16:00

Seems like a good thing smile. Make sure you don't accept poor treatment from anybody.

ghosted Sun 15-Jan-17 19:23:32

Thanks category12, now I need to learn all that OLD entails. I am so not looking forward to it!

PollytheDolly Sun 15-Jan-17 19:27:45

Well at least you were both civil and end on a sort of good note.

Onwards and upwards!

Slimmingsnake Sun 15-Jan-17 19:30:44

You can do it ...have a little faith in yourself

rosabug Sun 15-Jan-17 20:41:28

Great stuff - that's the way to do it.

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