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Anyone in an abusive relationship who is cheating or has cheated?

(8 Posts)
SandyY2K Fri 13-Jan-17 15:48:09

Just like we often hear married men (MM) who have affairs say ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’, ‘we’re in separate rooms’, ‘only together for the kids etc’, I’ve found through supporting BSs, that a lot of married women who have affairs say they are in a physically abusive relationship when they are caught cheating by the OBS/BW (other betrayed spouse/betrayed wife), and plead to the OBS/BW either directly or through the MM, not to tell her husband or she’ll get beaten up.

This often leaves some BW a bit conflicted about whether to tell the OBS or not, because they don’t want another woman to get beaten up and then feel responsible.

More often than not, I think it’s an excuse to save herself from getting outed, but wanted to see if how often it might actually be true and if anyone here had experience of it.

Now, I have no doubt that this may be the case sometimes, but I have to wonder why a woman in a relationship with such a violent man, would actually risk having an affair knowing what could happen if she was found out. I get that she wants to feel loved, but surely with someone so violent it’s not worth the risk, is it?

cookiecooks Fri 13-Jan-17 18:20:00

Yep me.

H is EA but not physically violent.

I can't leave because of the children but I am seeing a v old friend.

cookiecooks Fri 13-Jan-17 18:21:00

He'd be violent if found out, but being with a normal man for a little while restores my faith that not everyone is completely fucked up like the man I am married to.

MeganChips Fri 13-Jan-17 18:27:44

I did. I was in an abusive marriage and met someone else. At the time I was utterly broken.

He was kind and gentle and showed me how people really treat those they profess to love.

It gave me the courage to leave him and we are still together.

SandyY2K Fri 13-Jan-17 20:28:11

Cookie,

Aren't you scared about his reaction f he finds out?

I see how damaging these abusers can be to the DC in the long run and think the sooner you can escape them , the better.

There was a woman whose DH was physically and emotionally abusive. She had an affair and got pregnant by the OM. her DH kicked her out in the middle of the night and she wasn't allowed to taker her DC.

Unfortunately the OM was married, so going to him wasn't possible.

She suffered so much and wishes she had left him before starting the A, but was staying because of her DS and in the end her DS remained with her DH.

Just be careful is all I would say to you.

ElectronicDischarge Fri 13-Jan-17 20:32:11

My ex was abusive in every way. I ended up having an affair with someone ii worked with. It made me feel like a person and helped give me confidence to leave.

MummysMaison Fri 13-Jan-17 20:34:58

I did. My ex was EA and PA towards me. My life was horrible.

I began a relationship with another man who gave me the confidence and emotional support I needed to leave.

I divorced my ex. My knight in shining armour is now my very DH grin he saved me and is the best man I have ever known.

cookiecooks Fri 13-Jan-17 21:11:14

If he found out then yes he'd throw me out on the street.

But it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Especially on a night like this where he's blown up over nothing, shouted at me and then stormed off saying I shouted at him.

I told him to fuck off.

I would never have done that before I started seeing my friend.

I'm slowly gaining confidence and realising I ha e a choice.

My friend was single, he knows my situation.

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