he's been hiding thousands in debt.

[CuppaSarah]

Yesterday I decided to look at a small consolidation loan to clear my overdraft and the 1-2k on our credit card, thinking it would be lower than our surprisingly high minimum payment on the card and would get us back on track.

I went onto my husband's online credit card account, I've always had access to it, but he could never remember the password and would always check it while I wasn't there-obvious red flags I stupidly didn't see. What do you know, the cards almost at its limit! 7000 is on it! I haven't touched it apart from one lot of groceries early this month as we had literally no money.

I have been skipping meals to ensure our kids have enough, money has been so tight. We can't afford the heating to be on much so bundle the kids up. We don't get days out, treats, anything. I had to return to work much sooner than I felt able to as he 'couldn't' find work. But even my work that has been so stressful it makes me physically ill barely covered the basics.

Yet he's been spending thousands on shi for himself. He can't even tell me what it's on, looking at the statements I've managed to find, it's been frittered away on crap. We never even got each other birthday gifts as we couldn't afford to. But he happily bought for himself. I don't even begrudge him the odd treat, if we can manage it I never get funny about it, I accept being so rough financially is really stressful and the odd small splurge can help prevent the odd big one.

I don't know what to do, all the lies he told me. There's so many lies, I can't ever trust him again. I already sort all the bills and financnes and have worked hard to find a new job I'll be starting soon that has better pay and hours. I thought we were back on track. He is so caring and kind and sweet to our faces yet behind our backs he's done this!

I'm sorry this is such a ramble I'm so upsetand confused, I just need advice or someone to talk to. I've started doing the sums of living without him and we can probably manage, but I don't know what I want to do and what's best right now. It's too raw.

[Tenshidarkangel]

OK -
So is he tied to the mortgage in anyway or is there anyway you could lose the house over this debt? Is he paying it back or a payment plan in place?
Make sure whatever happens you and the kids are safe and there will be nothing to come back on you.
Next, time to shred the card.
Then seek legal advice.

[CuppaSarah]

I don't want to have to manage my partners money like a child, I want to sharethe fiances equally, but I can't with him.

Also he's closed his PayPal account. Which was what he connected to the credit card to do all the spending. I've checked the statements it's 80% eBay, 20% his direct debits that's he assured me repeatedly he could manage himself. He has online subscriptions he hasn't used for over a year ffs! I couldn't afford bras that fit me after finishing breastfeeding and loosing weight yet he has been paying for games he doesn't play!

Today two packages arrived. One was our dds birthday gift I carefully saved for and found a decent bargain. His was £100 of craps he bought off the internet because he wanted it.

[CuppaSarah]

No mortage, we rent. The cards in his name, but I am a named card holder. Fortunately I've used my card one for 80 pounds worth do groceries, so I don't think it's in my name st all, I looked at the account and couldn't see anything with me on it, but nothing confirming it is his only.

[user1479305498]

what kind of stuff is it he bought? Ive had issues like this myself with my DH, admittedly money isnt as tight as in your case most of the time but when I look back over 20 years I realise he has thousands of pounds of stuff he has rarely used, just lies there, that he wanted at the time and I have absolutely nothing "material" of value at all , was too busy paying rent, bills etc.

[CuppaSarah]

Just crap. Today's package was two books and a mug or something, he told me it was about £100!!! If money hadn't been so stupidly tight I don't think I would be so betrayed. I saved and played for every single Christmas present, I pay his ducking credit card bill! Yet he still can't find work to help with bills.

He's such a good liar I have now discovered, every little thing he has he probably lied about, or hides from me.

I am so transparent with him about our money, so it's not like he didn't know how badly we were struggling.

[NameChange30]

LTB

Might sound harsh but spending all that money on himself and hiding it when you have been struggling financially is completely unforgivable. You need to separate finances ASAP.

Visit or contact your local Citizens Advice for help dealing with debts and information about separation/divorce. They can advise on benefit entitlement too.

[BakingWithPreSchoolerand6YO]

Is he working now? Bringing in anything financially?

Are your wages currently covering rent, food and bills (even if only just)?

What has he been doing with the stuff he's bought?

Importantly, while you've been going without food to ensure kids are fed, has he even noticed? Has he been doing the same?

Reckless spending could be a sign he's depressed about lack of job, but it could also be a major sign that he's a selfish cocklodger who is fine with kids having to layer up against cold house and fine watching wife do without food whilst he spends on shit for himself.

If he's not contributing financially, and is instead racking up debt on purchases for himself, you'd be better off financially without him. He's liable for the credit card if he's he account holder, so you wouldn't have the minimum payment on that each month - an Experian credit check should show what's on your record so you can be sure you're not liable. Council tax will be reduced for single adult occupancy. Child benefit / tax credits could all increase if you're a single parent officially. Maybe unofficially you are already - is he an equal parent and partner in other ways? If not, I know what I'd do.

[BakingWithPreSchoolerand6YO]

Cross posts. LTB.

[NameChange30]

Baking
He's unemployed.
"I had to return to work much sooner than I felt able to as he 'couldn't' find work."
"he still can't find work"

[CuppaSarah]

Fortunately we've always kept finances separate. We managed them by being totally open and trusting and budgeting by what each person has. I was the one who didn't want anything joint. Thank God for that!

Personally I'm leaning towards him leaving. I think we can just about manage, he will provide childcare while I work, as what else is he gonna do? I'm going to give myself time to settle and talk it out though, it's not a decision to rush.

[JeffJarrett]

Does he work now or are you supporting the household alone? if it's the latter I'd be giving him a swift ultimatum to get out and get a job to pay for all the debt he's racked up.

I agree, we do all need the odd treat, but him buying hundreds of pounds of crap on eBay whilst you go hungry and his kids go without heating is awful.

The unused subscriptions are completely irresponsible too when you don't have the money to waste. You're doing everything you can to get by and he seemingly doesn't give a shit.

You need to have a good long conversation about the position his selfish actions have put you in, and whether the relationship is worth trying to salvage.

[NameChange30]

It's a no brainer.
How old are your DCs?
Are you getting any benefits at the moment?
Depending on your salary, you are likely to be entitled to Child Tax Credits and Working Tax Credits, plus maybe Housing Benefit and Council Tax Reduction. You should already be getting Child Benefit and if/when he moves out you will get a 25% discount on Council Tax.
You'll be hugely better off without him.

[hoddtastic]

return all the shit you can return.
and see if you can get the interest frozen.
do a proper budget of everything you have to spend, and then a set amount for what you have left over for every week (as a family) do it with him so get his consent/buy in.

If he wont man the fuck up about this and engage you need him gone as he's a man child, maybe give him the benefit of the doubt for this first time. and if he cocks up again, show him the door and get him out. I would also encourage him to get a job, any job, less time to spend your wages on his shit. Might focus his shopping habits if he's earning it himself.

[Ilovecaindingle]

I did divorce my ex for this.
He lied about his wages and spent most of it on crap.
He took out a catalogue behind my back and ran up 1000's on golf shit and clothes 'in the sales' apparently. Apparently fucking not.
I was borrowing to pay bills and he was taking the lads out for lunch every day at work!!
Found some wages slips and he moved out the next day. Not set eyes on him since (over 4 years ago)

[NameChange30]

He needs to return everything himself and get a job immediately. That would be my ultimatum or I would be kicking him out directly. I would probably kick him out anyway but if he didn't do the first two things that would be it.

I would be fucking livid tbh, he's a cocklodger making his partner and children go without.

[ImperialBlether]

I'd leave someone over this. The level of selfishness is too much to deal with.

Does he not work at the moment? If not, how does he get this credit?

If you leave him and say he'll look after the children, you risk him claiming he's the main carer and you will have to pay him child support. I wouldn't want that, particularly not in this scenario.

[LIZS]

He'd rather you go hungry than stop his spending habit . He doesn't work (can't/won't?) but doesn't feel he needs to make any sacrifices. What is attractive about him? Could/do you work?

[BarbaraofSeville]

A HUNDRED POUNDS FOR A COUPLE OF BOOKS AND A MUG WHEN YOU'RE STRUGGLING TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE

Make him eat the fucking books.

[Dragongirl10]

Oh Sarah,

l am so sorry for you.......and furious he has really broken your trust.

A cautionary tale..

I have have two inteligent, capable and always fully employed, friends previously, ( now divorced) married to financially incompetent men, ones' husband ran up 5-6 k on credit cards on nothing necessary, she paid it off over a year. Then he did it again 2 years later this time for much, much more.....they were not struggling financially...he just spent wildly on rubbish.

She divorced him but had to pay all of the court costs and was chased for a long time over the debts and eventually had to sell the house as the debt issues kept cropping up, he disappeared to Australia.

My other good friends' marriage folded and she found years of unpaid bills, court orders and bad investments as her DH just moved out, and left the mess for her.....l spent weeks helping her to address all the issues, she had a good job, but spent 5 years struggling to resolve all the issues.

Being from another country when she married him, then coming to live in the UK, she left the finances to him as he was supposedly more financially aware! ie she trusted him!

Good for you keeping things seperate, but please think carefully whether you want to stay.

Good luck

[Tenshidarkangel]

He's shown complete disregard to you and your children. I'd be heading to a solicitor looking at divorce.

[cordeliavorkosigan]

yep, he needs to return the recent package, sell the crap (especially if unused/little used) on ebay, and get a job to pay off his own debt. shocking he'd rather you literally go hungry than pull his own weight in cutting back / avoiding spending!

[dangermouseisace]

cuppasarah I feel your pain.

My exH did this although he did work. Me and kids living on nothing- him spend spend spend on…fuck knows what.

He was an accomplished liar. I thought it was just about finances. But I discovered, after I had helped him pay off all his debts, that actually if people consistently and convincingly lie about one thing, they are likely to be lying about other things.

LTB. I wish I'd done that right at the start when I found out, rather than putting myself through years of pain and hell.

[FreeSet]

Leave The Bastard. What an irresponsible, lying, workshy, lazy, greedy, selfish cocklodger (posing as a husband and father). Why on earth are you with him?

Get thee to a solicitor pronto. Make sure you draw up an agreement straight away that stops him taking out any more credit that you - as his wife - might be responsible for if he fails to pay in the future. I am not sure what the protocol is. It might be something like a "separation agreement" or whatever, but don't quote me.

[Surreyblah]

You need legal advice on limiting your financial liabilities and custody.