Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feel a bit down after date

(26 Posts)
darknessontheedgeoftown Fri 13-Jan-17 00:40:55

First OLD date. Went well I thought and we'd a very nice and warm chat. I actually suspected she (am male) didn't fancy me just something about the slightly awkward goodbye cheek kiss. I texted on my return home in a respectful fashion. No reply. Was hours ago. Her prerogative entirely, of course. I respect that. But why does rejection still hurt so much?

Cricrichan Fri 13-Jan-17 01:34:09

Hi op. I've never tried OLD but I can imagine that meeting someone is to gauge whether there's enough there to go on further dates. When you consider IRL that you meet loads of people but only a few that you are attracted to enough to considering exploring a relationship, then it puts OLD in context.

Don't take it to heart, from what I hear most people have to meet many frogs (and whatever the female equivalent is) on OLD before meeting someone where there's a mutual attraction. Good luck.

darknessontheedgeoftown Fri 13-Jan-17 02:07:56

Thanks. It's just not much fun realising you are the frog sad

Hi OP, the thingwith OLD is that you need to develop a thick skin. Everyone has their own agenda and own set of tastes, so it's best not to take it to heart. Not a reflection of your worth at all!
You may go on dates where you're the one who doesn't want to take things further, and most probably there will be other women you'll date who end up not being interested after 1,2,3 or more dates.
The key is to think "Oh well... next!"

TheNaze73 Fri 13-Jan-17 07:46:49

Bollocks to her. Just move on.

Don't overthink it

Patienceisvirtuous Fri 13-Jan-17 07:56:39

Rejection does suck OP. We've all been there though.

Nomore gives good advice above, don't take it to heart love.

arsenaltilidie Fri 13-Jan-17 07:59:54

Being a man means you'll do most of the approaching so you might need to get used to rejection.

Next time if you suspect the person is not interested, then don't text them. It will save you the heartache in the long run.

In my single days I never initiated a text to anyone after a first date and that seemed to work.

Lovemusic33 Fri 13-Jan-17 07:59:59

Sounds pretty normal for online dating, you have to have a thick skin, I struggle with it too but am also guilty of not messaging back after a first date. It's one of the things I hate the most about OLD, I try not to get too carried away with feelings until the 3rd or 4th date.

ErnieAndBernie Fri 13-Jan-17 08:04:05

Don't think of yourself as a frog op. Think of it more in terms of tribes. We are all looking to connect with people similar to us (our tribe) but on the way we meet people from many other tribes. Some you will like, some you will think are fine but have nothing in common with and some you will just not get on with. And all those people are also looking for their tribe. And their person within that tribe. So don't take it personally, it's the ebb and flow of life.

9GreenBottles Fri 13-Jan-17 08:15:19

Darkness you won't be a frog to everyone, just as you wouldn't want to be the prince to many of the women you meet.

Being rejected hurts though, and you have my every empathy.

PollytheDolly Fri 13-Jan-17 08:18:49

Aw frog.

Her loss I'm sure. It's tough to feel rejected but there's a reason she's not the one...

The one is still out there waiting. grin

Hermonie2016 Fri 13-Jan-17 08:39:25

Try not to focus on whether or not she liked you.Did you spend enough time working out if you liked her?

The tribe analogy is good.I can recall meeting now ex and had the fireworks but I didn't spend enough time working out if I would really be compatible with him.

When someone is attracted to you its makes you feel attracted to them.

Each date is a way to sharpen your requirements so treat it as a positive step not a rejection.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Fri 13-Jan-17 08:57:13

Oh Darkness, rejection hurts doesn't it. Bear in mind that it doesn't mean you're unnatractive (mentally and/or physically) just that that particular person didn't feel it for whatever reason. I think the "tribe" analogy that Ernie mentioned is the ideal way to see it.

Also the advice to develop a thick skin is important; OLD is a harsh place which puts people more in the spotlight than real life dating IMO. At least in the real world, when people meet they get a feel for each other and often "rejection" happens before the asking for a date stage so it's much easier to brush off.

lilybetsy Fri 13-Jan-17 09:00:38

I think it was kind to text after the date. If I were the woman, even if I were not interested I would reply, something like, "thank you for a nice evening, it was good to meet you but I didn't really feel a spark. Good luck"; I wouyld be pleased to have met a reasonable person ( never OLD but probably will in the next 6 months or so)

There will be someone who thinks you are THE Prince :-)

fulberoo Fri 13-Jan-17 09:03:13

Rejection SUCKS. It sucks especially when you think it's all going quite nicely. I remember that feeling of saying goodnight and the kiss being firmly and kindly placed on the part of my cheek which apparently is tattooed with the words "you're a nice guy but..."

TBH, the kindness is the worst part. At least if someone just totally sacks you off you've got an element of "oh, well, if she's that kind of person I had a lucky escape". Every cloud!

Anyway, as others have said: think how many people you meet in day to day life with whom you'd never even consider a relationship. There's nothing wrong with them, but it's just "nope". A first date has every chance of being with one of those people, so as others have said, you've just got to factor in the possibility of rejection before you've even texted them to say "I'm here - black blazer and jeans at the end of the bar". Your skin will get thicker, I'm sure.

HeWoreAGirlsCardigan Fri 13-Jan-17 09:04:25

Don't accept the role of frog.
Frogitude is unattractive.
You are NOT a frog OK?
Frogs are great at jumping anyway right? grin

Bluntness100 Fri 13-Jan-17 09:07:42

She's not very polite in not responding , or she could be playing a game to keep you interested and will respond later.

Either way, do you want to be with someone who is either rude or plays games?

Ps also she just might not have checked her phone. I'm fairly bad with texts and sometimes don't spot them and my husbands a shocker, if I could send a Harry Potter owl to deliver a message I would. 😂

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 13-Jan-17 09:27:47

Maybe not responding is kinder than 'Thanks, but no thanks'.

She was a stranger who was interested enough to meet you, that was a start! I bet it's unusual for someone to find a good match in their first few meet ups. Try not to feel glum, look on it all as experience.

If you can meet someone in the daytime it can take the pressure off. Coffee is a good first meet up, nothing to stop you extending it to lunch if you're getting on well.

darknessontheedgeoftown Fri 13-Jan-17 11:34:47

I am very grateful for all the empathy and warmth and kindness above. Elsewhere there is a thread about MRAs and the rather sad chasm that has opened up between men and women, pitted against each other when we are only here on earth for such a short time and should I hope show love and kindness and warmth and enjoy the beautiful "dance" of attraction and the gift of sexuality.
At the risk of sounding like a scriptwriter for a teenage romcom, I logged onto my email this morning to find a response saying when lost her phone on the tube home and had only just got it back, seen mine and replied. Come to think of it why didnt she text rather than email if she for her phone back but let's not overthink! Anyway, it seems my fears were unfounded. She does want to see me again! I feel good but ashamed that I spent most of the evening/night worrying about my looks, conversation, everything like a teenager...And now I am the happiest man in London town..overreactions both. I need to grow up but it is very very hard for me.

HeWoreAGirlsCardigan Fri 13-Jan-17 12:23:34

See? I said you weren't a frog grin

InfoFreako Fri 13-Jan-17 12:25:27

Personally, I think if you don't hear from her by the end of today then she's not interested.

Plenty more fish in the sea!

Cheers.

9GreenBottles Fri 13-Jan-17 22:53:32

Great news. Enjoy the date!

HelenaDove Sat 14-Jan-17 02:19:49

darkness i think you may find this article an interesting and maybe helpful read.

www.redonline.co.uk/red-women/blogs/how-to-survive-online-dating

HelenaDove Sat 14-Jan-17 02:25:29

Enjoy dating but make sure you fill your life with other things too. And just check into your profile occasionally.

Its what worked for me when i was in the process of losing weight. I found if i filled my life with other things like books, music, campaigns (MN was a great support too) and didnt obsess or worry about it too much i realised i was more likely to achieve the desired result.

(not saying that you are obsessing btw)

user1484394478 Sat 14-Jan-17 12:24:41

It's all very well saying 'Develop a thick skin' but what if you can't? Not everyone is hard as nails no watter how hard you try! OP it sucks being rejected and fully understand how you feel.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now