Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please tell me I'm not the only one

(54 Posts)
CowPatRoberts Thu 12-Jan-17 21:05:16

My partner and I have been together for 4 years. At first I was more than happy to take over planning things, organising the house and everything that entailed, but somewhere along the way I've realised that I may be a total and utter mug.

I'll put it clearly- other than the phone bill which every single month has included late fees, I organise everything. Rent, electricity, council tax, food shopping, household items, repairs, literally everything. He is supposed to contribute half but has never ever paid without being prompted. Food shop is planned and executed by me each week and I have yet to see a penny. When we have a lot of late nights (we work very long hours in the City) I organise Hello Fresh or similar. I lend him money which is paid back roughly 50% of the time.

The housework is a constant bone of contention, when it starts getting on top of me I suggest taking an equal share of rooms which we're individually responsible for. He finds reasons for not getting round to it and ultimately doesn't do it properly anyway, and this is not a case of high standards- were talking not washing pots properly so there's still food on them hmm

Writing this out is embarrassing, even more so when I consider the dozen or so other times where I've reached the end of my patience and tried to talk to him about it. Each time I'm rewarded with a list of things which 'I haven't done', despite clearly spending 90 minutes every night cooking and cleaning while he sits playing video games.

It's not that I don't know what to do, I know he's utterly taking the piss I just have no idea of how to handle this. Other than breaking up with him! Does anyone else have experience of this bullshit?

BumDNC Thu 12-Jan-17 21:13:24

What is he spending all his money on? You have to ask for it and don't get it? So he's sponging off you?
What good points does he have? Don't say 'he's funny'...

RandomMess Thu 12-Jan-17 21:15:19

First of all get your money back, he sets up a monthly transfer to pay back what he owes you.

After that I'd split.

I suggest you read "wifework"

flowers

AnyFucker Thu 12-Jan-17 21:16:45

I can confirm you are a mug to tolerate this

Bin him and tell him why. Maybe the next woman he tries to turn into a personal maid will be more savvy

You cannot "handle" this, you just have to decide it is not acceptable and act accordingly

ImperialBlether Thu 12-Jan-17 21:22:30

I would get some money off him before kicking him out. You've no chance of getting anything back afterwards.

He's a cocklodger, isn't he?

Whose name is the lease in?

ijustwannadance Thu 12-Jan-17 21:24:53

Get rid of the excess baggage. He's a lazy sponger.

Whathappendexactly Thu 12-Jan-17 21:28:07

You are not the only one. flowers

AllTheLight Thu 12-Jan-17 21:30:11

Sounds like you don't have children? Get out now - this will get ten times worse if you do!

Bananalanacake Thu 12-Jan-17 21:30:23

You say he has never paid without being prompted, so that means he is paying something? Do you make sure it's half and half.

LdnLpoolLou Thu 12-Jan-17 21:36:28

He's well mugging you off from the sounds of it. I could understand if it was the odd months but for 4 years???
I do all the repairs and decorating in mine mainly cause I'm a control freak and have OCDs, but this 'man' is clearly loving taking you for a ride.

You know you can do better then one that spends your money and only gives half back he sounds like he's a mummy's boy and by you doing everything it's an easy ride for him.

buckingfrolicks Thu 12-Jan-17 21:38:42

why? why on earth do you put up with this shit? For lurve? godawlmighty woman - he's not going to change and he's not worth it.

Streuth Thu 12-Jan-17 21:38:50

Don't you ever lose your temper with him?! You could read him the riot act.

But I'm not sure if the game's worth the candle. Its very disrespsectful not paying you back money he owes, and thats just for starters.

ImperialBlether Thu 12-Jan-17 21:46:17

You say you work in the City. What would you do with a client who behaved like this?

JK1773 Thu 12-Jan-17 21:46:43

He's a lazy arse. I put up with exactly this for over 6 years. He's unthoughtful, arrogant and he's taking you for granted. I left mine a year and a half ago and it's truly the best thing I ever did. Lose your rag, give him ultimatums, I took mine on a night out to explain calmly that if things didn't change I'd leave and I didn't want that (I didn't then). He walked out of our night out and left me on my own. Told me everything he thought of me. You are not a skivvy, you're a strong woman and you don't need this. Trust me life is better without it. Good luck trying to change him, he's got it too good to change. He will realise this when it's far far too late x

TheNaze73 Fri 13-Jan-17 07:49:32

Why have you allowed this to happen? You're acting like a servant.

SandyY2K Fri 13-Jan-17 08:06:16

Get him to do a standing order for the money each month and divide up other tasks around the house.

He needs to pull his weight and if he doesn't, then you need him to feel the consequences of it.
Such as not cooking for him, and letting him do his own laundry.... If he doesn't then he'll have no clean clothes.

Sit him down. Tell him you're finding doing all the jobs too much, much list the jobs and ask him to choose which ones he will commit to doing.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 13-Jan-17 08:18:41

CowPat

He really does think you have MUG written on your forehead.

He is not a project so you do not have to handle him. He has taken you for a fool and no longer deserves any consideration from you. You just have to decide in your own mind that his behaviour is no longer acceptable and act accordingly by separating.

Also he is an adult and knows full well what needs doing rather than you having to spell it out to him like his second mother.

AhYerWill Fri 13-Jan-17 08:26:11

So for 4 years you've paid all the bills and done all the housework? And he's happy to let you do all this? Fuck that, bin him off and find a man that actually wants to be your partner, rather than a parasite. You can't make someone respect you, and his behaviour doesn't exactly scream 'I respect you' does it?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 13-Jan-17 08:32:10

It's not that I don't know what to do
Well if you know what to do then I suggest you get on and do it.
He's bringing nothing to the party.
Time to get out there and find an equal partner who respects you and doesn't expect you to be his 2nd mother!!!

Hermonie2016 Fri 13-Jan-17 09:14:58

The big red flag is that when you try to raise the issues you are blamed for your failings.

If he saw you as an equal he would discuss with you but this is the way he avoids discussion.
If you pushed this I suspect he would get angry/aggressive.

I am sure he has good points and it works that you have a partner for social activities, companionship but these relationships never, ever get better only worse.

If he won't talk to you and you have tried what makes you think he will improve?

Are you seeking the perfect way to raise a valid issue so he complies? It doesn't exist, he just doesn't want it to change and will ignore/resist anything you say.
If you threaten to leave and he changes then you know it's only temporary.If you say it again it will less affect.

I assume you are relatively young? Take the advice from us, older "been there" women.Some patterns aren't changeable and what you are describing is one of them.

user1484313858 Fri 13-Jan-17 14:56:34

He unfortunately sounds like a teenage man-child who is quite happy for you to behave like his mother rather than his partner. I have direct experience of this (in the past) and the bottom line at least for me was that the more you do, the more he will let you do. What's with these fking useless men???!!!

happypoobum Fri 13-Jan-17 15:00:32

Cocklodger.

He needs to pay you back what he owes you and set up a standing order to pay you what you estimate are average monthly costs including rent/bills/food.

If he won't then you have to bin him - or sacrifice your self esteem.

Gallavich Fri 13-Jan-17 15:02:00

Obviously you have to break up with him. Not sure what other solution you think there could be?

scottishjo Fri 13-Jan-17 17:36:55

He's not going to change OP. I paid all the bills/did all the organising for the whole 16 yrs my exh and I were together. I never found a cure. He was more like a teenager than my actual teenagers! Unless you're happy to fund everything/organise everything forever, you need to get out now.

LanaorAna1 Fri 13-Jan-17 17:42:02

Does he get high a lot? What's his salary going on then?

Boot him out, they don't change. Get his name off the bills so he doesn't screw your credit rating first.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now