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Sleeping arrangements

(15 Posts)
Ringonrighthand Thu 12-Jan-17 13:08:52

Hello ladies, I'm wondering if anyone has some advice please? I separated from my daughter's dad last summer, we were not married but together 8 years. He moved out in august to a 1 bed flat, I agreed to our daughter (5) staying over once a week in his bed until he gets something sorted or circumstances change. He has told me last night that he has met someone else and been seeing her since October and wants my daughter and hers to meet. I've said no to that as I feel it's too soon and my DD is already upset when she stays with him so I think she needs to build confidence with that first. I've also said I no longer want him to share a bed with her as it's not appropriate now he is sleeping with someone. He is going mad about it saying I'm spiteful but surely it's not rocket science?! I've suggested a blow up bed he thinks it's laughable. What's the deal here? Can I insist that my 5 year old has somewhere to sleep independently or she cannot stay? He's bandying the word "legal" about all over the place now...

NerrSnerr Thu 12-Jan-17 13:16:05

I don't understand why you thought it was ok for them to share before he was in a relationship but now it's not ok. I assume the partner isn't staying when your daughter is there?

I think it's up to her Dad to decide when he introduces his partner to her, as hard it is for you I don't think you can dictate.

As she gets older he is going to need to rethink sleeping arrangements but it currently sounds like you're kicking off just because he has a new partner.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 12-Jan-17 13:16:09

I think it's fine for a 5yo and her parent to share a bed. It's not like the woman is going to be in with them. Pick your battles wisely

ChicRock Thu 12-Jan-17 13:18:27

I agree it sounds like you're just kicking off because he has a new partner.

Adora10 Thu 12-Jan-17 13:19:33

So it's now a problem because he is seeing someone, I don't get that.

I also think a blow up bed is a good idea, the child needs to understand that she sleeps alone anyway and it's a bit icky in my mind.

frieda909 Thu 12-Jan-17 13:24:48

Whether or not the sleeping arrangements are appropriate, I don't see how that's connected to him having a new partner. It seems like an odd distinction to make - unless we've somehow misunderstood what you mean?

Huskylover1 Thu 12-Jan-17 13:25:32

What are your concerns? That he will have slept with GF in the bed, and not change the sheets before your DD stays? Or that the 3 of them could be sharing a bed?

TheNaze73 Thu 12-Jan-17 13:51:15

YANBU about them all meeting. Far too soon

YABU though about her statinf there though, what's changed?

Ringonrighthand Thu 12-Jan-17 17:55:22

Thanks for all replies, I'm feeling a bit fragile so some of its hard to take.

I don't think meeting this other child is in my daughter's best interest, she has had a lot to deal with, him cancelling our wedding, leaving us, starting school etc and I honestly don't think she is ready.

With regards to the sleeping arrangements, I've never been happy with them sharing a bed. I asked him to move to the sofa when she came home complaining of being awake during the night because of his snoring but he refused. The situation was meant to be temporary and he was supposed to get a two bed flat as soon as possible, hes now signed a further 6 months lease and announced he's seeing someone new. I feel weirded out by my daughter sleeping in a bed that her dad probably had sex in last night with someone random (to her). I only asked that he gets something for her to sleep in herself and he has said no. I am trying to examine my thoughts on this and perhaps I'm in shock as it's all happened so quickly and I was only told last night. I'm trying to be rational and not let my hurt rule my decision but I can't understand why he won't just buy a blow up bed or campbed or something and be done. If he's talking about getting DD and the new gf together it's only a matter of time until they are both staying over together surely?

BumDNC Thu 12-Jan-17 21:04:33

I think you need to separate your feelings about this with your daughters feelings. Easier said than done I know. You need to promote a good relationship with him and keep a good relationship between you both too, and sometimes that involves things that hurt.

She is only 5 and in a 5yo life, time doesn't move the same way as an adult so you can't see things exactly through her eyes, you can only support and comfort her if she needs it. You have to be careful you don't adult her in this way - she doesn't see or feel things the way you do. Like the sex bed - wouldn't occur to her. Also he could be washing the sheets. Did you never let her get in your sex bed? That won't affect her. I understand your point about her sleeping arrangements but this is NOT the way to go about making your point. Just focus on her being tired etc.

Ultimately you cannot control what he does who he sees or how he lives his life now however much this hurts. If you make him feel like a bad parent then this will push him away and you can't co parent. You had a child with him and wanted to marry him, so you have to give him the trust he loves his child and wants the best for her even if it isn't what you would do or that he has ended your relationship.

A child meeting another child isn't necessarily the most awful thing ever. It's just a child meeting a child iyswim? Like a school friend or the like. Do you not trust him to take things at a pace that suits DD? Is there any danger you can't see clearly because you are hurt or is he really putting her at deep emotional harm?

Ringonrighthand Thu 12-Jan-17 21:30:51

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it. I do see what you mean about separating my adult feelings, I'm trying to make sure I am being rational. I've facilitated their relationship and encouraged it from the start of the split, I've been letting him come back to my house once a week to put her to bed, and going out for an hour or two to let them spend time together, and she stays over with him one night of every weekend too. I had a landline installed so that he can call her when he likes and she is free to WhatsApp, send videos etc any time. He's not been great with contact tbh often goes a few days without bothering to get in touch but I don't know what's normal or not.

He's been very inconsiderate and cold in the way he has told me, it's bloody hard and there is no empathy from him at all. She has no idea this is all going on. I've blocked him from messaging me tonight as I don't want to read any more of his shitty messages to me.

If we could have had a decent adult conversation about things I could have asked him in what capacity he was planning to introduce the other little girl. I'm pretty sure he will override me and "accidentally" bump into them at soft play or something anyway. hmm

BumDNC Thu 12-Jan-17 21:44:56

Why is he sending you shitty messages?

It seems to be normal for men not to call every day. Mine never has. BF doesn't call his kids every day. I don't call mine when they aren't with me unless it was a longer time like a holiday but I can text mine as they are teens. Also mine were not great phone conversationalists when they were 5.

Also I mean it's pretty normal for people to give each other a heads up but you know things don't get deeply discussed in depth with me and my ex. Like if we meet someone we will mention it but we wouldn't discuss it... I can't control any of that. Nor would I tolerate him telling me what I can or can't do or how I live to be honest.

This is not justifiable to send you shitty messages though. You do have to learn that your lives are now separate with your DD stuck in the middle, and life does move on

thebakerwithboobs Thu 12-Jan-17 21:50:31

As the long suffering wife of a another, I actually think that should be your angle on this. I see no issue with a five year old co sleeping with her father if it's restful and could even help to keep her feeling secure in times of uncertainty for her. However, If he snores and she doesn't sleep, that's miserable. Meeting another child is fine, she meets kids all the time she will never see again-at the park, on holiday, in the supermarket even and no harm done so the trick there is just how it's packaged-but she needs to be able to sleep properly or she will end up murdering him.

Ok, I'll admit that last bit could possibly be me projecting....

thebakerwithboobs Thu 12-Jan-17 21:51:31

*long suffering wife of a snorer....

Cricrichan Thu 12-Jan-17 21:59:20

I don't see the issue. She's cosleeping with her dad. My kids coslept with me and ds1 slept in my bed with dh (not his dad) and me .

Meeting a child etc isn't an issue, you're making it into an issue. At that age, it's no different to any other playdate. I understand that you're hurt, but unless you have serious concerns about your ex, it's really up to him what he does with her in his time.

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