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Hubby disabled, no sex

(12 Posts)
Inbedathome Thu 12-Jan-17 10:39:01


I'm married to a lovely man who I love and care for. We have three little children and he is amazing with them. We have been married for 8 years after a whirlwind romance. In every way, apart from the bedroom, I'm really happy.

The sex is non existent due to his disability (I won't say what it is as I am worried about being outed). I have a high libido and after so long with no sex I am really struggling. I am finding that after so long, masturbation is not helpful and may be it is making me feel lonelier. I really crave sex with another person.

It is affecting my mental health and I feel trapped, like there is no way out of my mess.

Being proactive, six months ago I asked an ex boyfriend if he wanted an FWB relationship but he declined. I asked an older male colleague if he was interested in FWB but again he declined. I have no other male friends to ask.

So I may have to go on the internet, but I'm worried about safety issues etc.

Me and hubby are planning to go to a counsellor to talk through this problem, but probably discussions will be lengthy and I dont see any resolution other than me leaving or me not having sex again.

I feel I can't wait much longer to have sex. Anyway, in the mean time I'm trying to remain resiliant and improve my confidence by losing weight and looking beautiful (!). Any tips from women suffering from similar would be really helpful.

NotTheFordType Thu 12-Jan-17 10:40:48

Have you actually discussed the open relationship with your H?

When did he become disabled? I'm assuming if you have DC that it's relatively recent. What is his prognosis? Can he have any form of sex with you (e.g. mutual masturbation, giving you oral) or is everything completely off the table?

RacoonBandit Thu 12-Jan-17 10:43:30

It sounds like a difficult position but you would be cheating are you and your DH ok with that?

I know some couples are comfortable with sex outside the marriage but in those circumstances both parties are aware.
Are you really so desperate for sex you cannot wait to go through therapy?

TheNaze73 Thu 12-Jan-17 12:09:11

What an awful position to be in OP.

I think you must talk to him about an open relationship. I know it's not a bed of roses for him but, to expect you to never have sex again... Wow, that's a massive ask

Somerville Thu 12-Jan-17 12:21:03

You've had 3 children in 8 years so have had sex with him, but not now he has got disabled/disability has worsened. IS that correct?

I'm not asking his disability - keeping quiet on identifying details is very sensible - but does it definitely mean that any kind of sex has to be non-existent? There are really very few physical disabilities that I can think of where this would be the case.

My (first) husband lost increasing amounts of sexual function through cancer treatment and then because of the cancer itself. But with openness and love and imagination that didn't mean the end of sexual contact between us until he was really very gravely ill toward the end.

There are a lot of online resources about different medical conditions and maintaining a sex life. Have you tried looking up his condition? That would be step one. Step two would be talking to him about it and seeing if he wants to pursue this or not. step three would depend on his decision, I guess.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 12-Jan-17 15:35:18

Your husband has hands and a tongue, correct? Maybe his penis is out of commission, but there is still A LOT you could do to have fun.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 12-Jan-17 15:38:39


gamerchick Thu 12-Jan-17 15:43:52

I can understand the craving but there are other ways to have sex without penetration. Intimacy is important to a relationship. I would wither away without it.

I would explore all other options before going down the cheating route though, including an 'open marriage', it doesn't have to come to that with the right communication though I would hope.

Iris65 Thu 12-Jan-17 15:50:35

I lived for 15 years in a sexless marriage and yes, eventually I found that masturbation made me feel even more lonely.
My XH would not engage in any discussion or try anything.
The way forwards is really up to you but one thing I found was that I could for long stretches more easily by avoiding thinking about, talking about or engaging in anything sex related. It worked short term.
I ended up leaving but I still feel conflicted about it even though I am in a happy and sexual relationship now.

InfoFreako Thu 12-Jan-17 16:15:54

I guess you married your DH 'for better of for worse' but I understand your predicament. It's unfair to expect an individual to go through life without sex if that's not what they want.

Maybe speak to your husband about an extra-marital affair. As long as you are discreet, this could be a solution for you.

I hope things work out for you.


SandyY2K Thu 12-Jan-17 17:01:43

What you're after is an affair, not a FWB. Call it as it is.

There are specific websites for that.... like to Ashley Madison.

Is it possible for any level of intimacy, and even if it's not penetrative sex? Using toys together maybe?

mummyto2monkeys Thu 12-Jan-17 17:40:47

As someone who is severely disabled, I would be absolutely devastated if my husband was looking for sex with someone else. It sounds like you have horrified your friends too! How would your husband feel about this? Does he know that you are seeking sex elsewhere?

Is there any way sex could still be possible? Many disabled people still enjoy a sex life with their partners, often nurses and Doctors are happy to advise on whether there are medications/ alternative ideas/ different ways that you could enjoy a sex life together. As well as hands and a mouth, you have access to lots of different sex toys/aids via the internet. I'm sure your husband would rather try to find a way to satisfy you within your marriage.

Please think very carefully about the impact that your plans would have on your husband, who sounds like a good man! Please look online, for forums where people with similar disabilities discuss their condition. You may well find that there are suggestions/ ideas there.
If your marriage ends, is your husband likely to end up in a nursing home? I know that I would, my social worker has made this very plain. I thank God that I have my husband here to look after me!

How would your husband cope if you asked if you continued to care for him and lived together as friends but you are allowed to look for sexual partners. What happens if you meet someone and fall in love?
Is your husband's disability life limiting? Or is this a situation that will likely last for potentially another fifty years?

Please access counselling so that you can process those thoughts, you have so much to cope with at home, you don't need guilt and resentment to add to that. Please get help now, talk through your options and please involve your husband. Your husband already feels like he is a failure of a man, he probably hates himself for not being able to make love to his wife. You both need to seek a therapist and investigate all the possibilities you may have missed..

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