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Help me accept this.

(103 Posts)
NCforthisoneplease Thu 12-Jan-17 10:24:27

Pretty hard to write this but as I keep seeing other posts on here from people in similar situations I thought I would have a go too as I really need help.

Back story is very normal. Married for 10+ years and have 2 young kids aged 5 and 2. Life is actually really good, both in good jobs, great house and the kids are lovely. Holidays, cars and fun are not an issue at all.

She is the love of my life, the apple of my eye and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The issue is that we have differing views on what intimacy levels we would both like. My sex drive is higher, but not at what I would call abnormal levels (I might be wrong though!). We have had heart to hearts about it in the past but I was never really a good listener and didn't take on board what she was saying. Recently (the last year or so) I've upped my "game" and started to be a much better communicator and actually listened to what she was saying. I've realised some things I do/did were not great and I've actively changed and improved no end. Our relationship was never in danger at all so I have no concerns there.

So anyway the last discussion we had it came out that despite me wanting to dtd more, she is very comfortable where we are and does not see that changing and doesn't want to change. At first I was angry, then upset and then went into a spiral of depression. But now I see that it's wrong of me to try and change her views as that's not fair on her. I don't own her or her body and I shouldn't be trying to coerce or force her to do things she doesn't want or enjoy.

I've come to terms with that, but I need some help in getting my head round what I can do to lower my drive and/or accept this position in life and empower myself to "make the most" (horrid wording, sorry) of what we have.

I'm not in anyway thinking of leaving as I love her so much. She is the first thing I think of each day. She is wonderful and the most special thing to me in my life (alongside the kids, of course)

So does anyone have tips on what I can do to manage my own mind here? Couples Counselling isn't an option as when I brought it up it was dismissed as she doesn't feel there is anything to fix as she doesn't feel broken (again, bad wording but you get the drift I hope without wanting to flame me). We talk, have fun and share so many good times, so it's not like anything else is wrong!

Thanks for reading and please be gentle with me!

TheNaze73 Thu 12-Jan-17 10:37:26

Classic scenario & I do feel for you OP. Read so many scenarios on here, about mismatched sex drives from both women & men & it must be tough for both parties.
It sounds like you have a good life & it'd be a lot to through away for more sex but, by the same token it sounds like an itch you'll keep needing to scratch. Good luck OP

NCforthisoneplease Thu 12-Jan-17 10:38:57

Yeah Thanks Naze. Absolutely no want on either side to throw it away at all. The idea of it gives me the shivers to be honest!

amusedbush Thu 12-Jan-17 10:45:34

I wish I had some advice. My DH has absolutely zero sex drive and is quite happy to plod along with nothing for years months at a time. We love each other to bits and he does try to be sensitive about it but I'm fairly sure he'd happily never have sex again if left to his own devices.

It's incredibly frustrating.

NCforthisoneplease Thu 12-Jan-17 11:03:45

Cheers Bush. Sorry to hear you are in a similar state. How are you dealing mentally with it? The last thing I want to do is end up resentful or angry and hold that inside me to boil over.

FatOldBag Thu 12-Jan-17 11:09:29

My first thought is that you need to get a fucking grip tbh. You say you accept now that sex is for both of you and you wouldn't want her to do anything she doesn't want, but then you still talk about how you feel you might end up angry and resentful - what the fuck? Forget couples counselling, have some individual counselling.

jeaux90 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:14:30

Nice fat!! But being with someone who has a lower libido it's like being completely rejected at times as you need more physical intimacy.

OP I feel for you but it's good that everything else is working well. I hope you can compensate by "looking after yourself"

Personally I do a lot of swimming, it helps lower the "need" a bit grin

QuiteLikely5 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:19:23

Can you DiY?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 12-Jan-17 11:22:56

For me this would depend on how often you are DTD?
Is it once a week?
Once a month?
Once a year?
If once a week then you need to get over it and deal with it.
If it's once a year then I'd say you have a massive mismatch going on here.
Could you go to sex therapy together?
Would she be open to this?
Do you always 'satisfy' her when you do have sex?

InfoFreako Thu 12-Jan-17 11:23:47

Sorry to hear the OP and his DW have missed matched libidos - a common issue!

Sounds like you are listening to your wife but she isn't listening to you (e.g. you say she dismissed couples counselling).

I know it's obvious but you have to 'like it or lump it'. If you like it then that's fine but I guess the itch will need scratching at some point.

Would you consider having a discreet liaison? Maybe something to talk with your DW about?


MissHemsworth Thu 12-Jan-17 11:26:17

Depends on how often you actually dtd (sorry if I missed that in your OP) there's a big difference between 2/3 times a week or a few times a month or year.

Gallavich Thu 12-Jan-17 11:31:08

Firstly, accept that cuddling and kissing doesn't lead to sex. Tell your wife that you know and understand this and that you would like to be physically close, but promise not to assume this will
Lead to sex or pressure her in any way for sex.
Secondly, masturbate! I never understand why people don't view masturbation as a normal part of life even when in a relationship. Sexual access to your partner's body isn't a right and single people manage to get through life without exploding, masturbation is healthy and useful.
Tell us how often you are having sex. That's relevant. Once a week - get over yourself. Once a year - more of a problem.

NCforthisoneplease Thu 12-Jan-17 11:37:32

Thank you for the comments all, I'll try to answer the questions here.

We dtd between 1 and 2 times per month. I realise that for some this is normal and not an issue but for me, just seems it is. Im not saying I want mad rampant sex every day, just more than we do. Can't really put it any other way.

I can and do help myself out but it's not the same is it? I miss the intimate contact pre and post sex that your right hand can't give you!

I believe we are both satisfied when we get down to it, it was an issue in the distant passed but we explored what made up both happy in bed and communicate well when in the moment.

Would never ever imagine a liaison with someone else, not my style at all! I've only ever been 100% faithful and the idea of a seedy little session with someone else sounds nasty and would ruin everything we have.

As for the post by Fatty, I think you have misread what I said. I'm accepting of her position and her rights to do what she wants; what I don't want is to become one of those angry people who let it all fester and then bring it up during a row about who should be getting up with the kids or some other mundane thing that couples do from time to time. I'm not saying I am angry any more, I was when she first told me but that's just a normal reaction (I hope)

I do sport but that only takes away the yearning for a period of time and I still miss the intimacy.

No one got any mental coping techniques on how to manage the mind at all?

amusedbush Thu 12-Jan-17 11:38:18

Secondly, masturbate! I never understand why people don't view masturbation as a normal part of life even when in a relationship.

Trust me, I do but it's just not the same. It's not, no matter what anyone says.

OP, it's really difficult and mentally it got me down for a pretty long time. Especially when I found that he'd watched porn when alone, but hadn't touched me in months and months. He cites difficulty maintaining an erection due to his anxiety disorder but refuses to go to the GP, which just feels fucking selfish, if I'm honest.

I love him so much and every other area of our relationship is brilliant but this is a huge sticking point. It even made me question my attractiveness - should I grow my hair longer? Should I lose weight? Should I wear more make up? - which was upsetting because I've always been really confident. He insists that he loves me and fancies me but it's difficult to believe that without the intimacy sad

amusedbush Thu 12-Jan-17 11:40:06

I should say, we're both in our 20's and were at it like rabbits when we first got together five years ago. It slowly dwindled and then we just ignored it for ages.

NCforthisoneplease Thu 12-Jan-17 11:40:39

Thanks Galla. Ilene have had that talk and we do cuddle and kiss a bit. I know it downs the mean sex is on the agenda (and yes I have been guilty of that in the passed) so it's great we do that and I feel great when we do cosy up together.
I know access isn't a right, I think I put that in my initial post as well. Wanking is fun, but it's not a solution to the but that's missing is it?

NCforthisoneplease Thu 12-Jan-17 11:43:08

Bush, I hear all that about self esteem and appearance. I do the Exact same - should I shave, or stay rugged; do I look better to her in these trousers as they are a bit tighter (I've got good legs IMHO); should I dress more like x,y or z celeb that she likes? grin

purpleprincess24 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:43:29

Does your DH avoid intimacy in case it leads to sex?

It sounds like you actually miss the daily companionship, cuddling, hugging etc, more than the actual sex itself.

Perhaps your wife needs some reassurance that intimacy doesn't have to lead to sex.

amusedbush Thu 12-Jan-17 11:47:09

Does your DH avoid intimacy in case it leads to sex?

Yes, absolutely. We kiss and cuddle and hold hands but a proper snog is few and far between. Even a comedy bum pinch can lead to him looking blush and bumbling away. He has admitted once before that he's scared to be more intimate in case I take that as a green light and push for sex sad

NCforthisoneplease Thu 12-Jan-17 11:47:48

Hi Purple. Yes probably due to my "old self" thinking that a bit of pressure would eventually break her down! It was actually from reading this forum that helped me get out of that habit before we started to try and conceive our second! I used to be a right dick about it and get stroppy if/when she turned up down and would badger her. I guess she could still feel resentful about that, will try to talk about that but to be honest I don't think any amount of talking will change her mind on it, hence my desire for copying ideas rather than a list saying "why won't she sleep with me fgs!"

NCforthisoneplease Thu 12-Jan-17 11:49:32

Ps. How do you quote on here?

Earlgreywithmilk Thu 12-Jan-17 11:50:02

You sound like a very sweet guy op, sounds like you are very nice and patient about it all. My own dh gets quite stroppy when he wants a shag!

Reading this has actually made me feel a bit guilty as I do deny him - my dh would like it at least a couple of times a week and at the mo it's about twice a month. I just don't feel like it very often.
I love my dh very much and still fancy him (i don't even think about other blokes) - I just think it's a natural process that women lose their libidos as they get older and when they've had their children (whereas in the wild men would carry on sowing their wild oats until they were physically incapable!)
I just feel a bit crap and unattractive a lot of the time, I don't know why he fancies me so much! Do u think ur wife still fancies you?

If my dh sat me down to have a serious chat about it and really felt it was a problem I would probably make more effort tbh.

NCforthisoneplease Thu 12-Jan-17 11:57:03

Ha thanks EarlGrey. I've been through the stroppy phase and to be honest I hated myself for bagging like a teenager.

Pretty sure she still fancies me, but fearful to ask in case the answer isn't what I want.

From a male point of view, I think we always fancy our wives no matter what they look like or how they behave! That initial attraction stays with men longer I think and you shouldn't doubt he fancies you! I know my wife could dress in a bin bag with her hair in rollers and I would still see the spark in her eyes, the string woman, the intelligent brain, the cute as hell laugh that gets me every time.

Cricrichan Thu 12-Jan-17 12:07:04

Hi op.

Your wife has either been pregnant or had babies, toddlers and a child over the last 6 years. She's also working. Her life is full on and when the kids are in bed and she's done what she needs to do, she wants to chill out without having to do something for someone else.

I've been accused by my dh and my ex of not wanting to DTD etc. But I have 4 kids. I have so much to do and think about everyday and most of the stuff I do is for my kids and dh. I'm a sahm but even when I was working with my ex, the majority, if not all of anything to do with the kids and cleaning , cooking, chauffeuring, doctors, dentists, schools, nurseries, childcare, social life etc fell/falls on me. I'm not saying that you don't pull your weight but amongst the many mum friends I have, there is just one father who genuinely does pull their weight.

So, I suggest that you sit down with your wife and go through everything that needs doing with kids and home. Anything from buying their friend's birthday party to arranging childcare because of a clash in schedules to menu planning to washing the toilets to decluttering the kids room and making sure they have enough clothes etc. Then make sure that you split things fairly.

Try and schedule a regular activity just the two of you - gym class, sports etc and get a babysitter. That will bring some fun and intimacy back.

Make sure that both you and her get a break. You can each go and do something after work and the other picks up the slack at home.

And finally, make sure that you do know how to pleasure a woman properly. Most women cannot orgasm through penetration alone.

Earlgreywithmilk Thu 12-Jan-17 12:11:03

Just reading ur posts op I wonder if u sound a bit needy (no offence honestly) - do u think the treat her mean to keep her keen thing might work?
Just try it for a bit - don't try it on, don't talk to her about sex, be a bit distant. It might give her a shock! (I think my dh does this with me sometimes and it does make me more likely to want sex myself when he backs off a bit)

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