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anyone used a mediator?

(13 Posts)
ErnieAndBernie Thu 12-Jan-17 09:56:34

H and I are separating this coming summer with me and the dc moving back to the UK to our marital home. All of us are english and H may also come back or stay where he is (europe) depending on what his employer agrees to. We will be getting divorced once settled so starting proceedings late summer early autumn. We are still friends, get on very well on a surface level so we decided to see a mediator rather than go straight to solicitiors. One of the reasons I want to divorce is because he has always outright refused to share finances despite 2dc and a house. I have no access to any of his accounts. I know roughly what he earns (a good salary) and I know he gets a bonus of approx 10% of salary. However in one of my down, non trusting days whilst getting my ducks in a row I came across his password for transferwise and thought I'd be cheeky and have a look. Over the last 2 years he has transferred Euro30k from his bank here to somewhere in the UK. He claimed to me the other day he only has about 5k in savings to pay for us to move back to UK. I don't trust him as far as I could throw him financially speaking. But I'd like to keep it on a good level for the future and for the kids. If we see a mediator is this the kind of thing I could mention to her privately and ask how best we discuss finances and what length of time we look back at to make decisions? All I know is he hasn't had to put more than 4k max in to the UK house since we've been away so where the fuck is it going? I know what his UK pension fund is (he left the statement on the table when it arrived) and it's not gone into that. Would a mediator be able to help in this instance if I asked that we looked at finances for say the 3 years we will have been away? That way surely it has to show up somewhere?

Kr1stina Thu 12-Jan-17 10:16:00

I don't think a mediator will work unless both parties are honest . So I fear you need a SHL and perhaps a forensic accountant .

ErnieAndBernie Thu 12-Jan-17 10:28:04

Any idea how long on average they look at each persons financial background?

lovelearning Thu 12-Jan-17 11:13:42

he hasn't had to put more than 4k max in to the UK house since we've been away so where the fuck is it going?


Your husband is required by law to disclose all assets

Rather than mediation, going to law may be the best option for you

If you’re going through a divorce in the English courts and have investments, property or cash in bank accounts abroad, it is vital that you are transparent in revealing all your assets at an early stage.

If it is discovered during the case that you are deliberately concealing things, it can be extremely damaging. You may end up with less money than you’re entitled to or, as Mr Young found out to his cost, you could even be sent to prison for contempt of court

donners312 Thu 12-Jan-17 13:46:31

My experience has been that if men do not want to accept financial responsibility for their children/you then no court can make them!

If things are relatively amicable and he is going to provide a home and send money etc i would try to keep him sweet - i know that isn't what you want to hear.

Honestly if things get nasty you can forget expecting support from the court! for example pp states a a case in the telegraph but there are other cases where men empty bank accounts, giving the ex nothing and the onus is on the ex wife to prove where the money is hidden!

I would go by your gut if he is generally caring for his family he will continue to be. Good luck

donners312 Thu 12-Jan-17 13:57:36

sorry that wasn't very helpful and also just thought - you have house so yes if you could prove he had transferred 30K and hidden it etc you would probably be in a much better position than i was.

just get screen shots of everything you can!!

ErnieAndBernie Thu 12-Jan-17 14:37:06

Donners312 Its not that he won't accept responsibility for his kids, he loves them very much and is really not like that (plus he would be completely slayed by his parents and sister if he did stop paying for them). He has a thing about sharing his information with me. My guess is that he is putting this money into an ISA, but in all honesty he could have a second family/ massive debts/ a secret house or really anything but I wouldn't know about it. We've had marriage counselling and he has even said during the sessions he has problems with sharing this kind of information, he got really uncomfortable. Visibly so. Since I know he was moving this money around, I think noticed it more. I just really wanted to know if we decide to go the friendly way about things whether is was worth giving a mediator heads up as it were or just waiting to see what he declares and then working out if it matches salary and outgoings.
I have no idea what level/ period if time is looked at during a divorce. I'd like to think he's sensible enough to declare it all even if it is painful for him to do and raises questions. Its more what I'd do if he doesn't as he doesn't know that I know.
I hoe that makes sense!

donners312 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:37:57

well just get as much proof of what you know as you can.

Kr1stina Thu 12-Jan-17 18:31:38

I don't see how you can " do it the friendly way " if one of you is lying and stealing family money.

And Mumsnet is full of women whose husbands " weren't like that " and whose parents loved their GC. Until they met someone else and suddenly changed their minds about supporting their children. Or only agreed to play a paltry sum because " she's doesn't need it " or because " she gets her nails done and goes out with her friends".

If he lies to you and steals from him children now, why do you think he will suddenly have a personality transplant and start being honest once you divorce?

Naicehamshop Thu 12-Jan-17 18:41:31

He is taking family money, hiding it, and lying to you. I am absolutely gobsmacked that people are suggesting that you should just let it go. confused

Kr1stina Thu 12-Jan-17 18:44:52

A mediator is there to help you reach an agreement. They don't represent one party and it's not about fairness.

So your DH says " I want to keep 90% of family assets and DW and kids can have 10%".

And you say " I think The kids and I should have 20%"

Meditator will say " will you settle for 15%? " and you agree, that's a deal done.

A solicitor is there to represent your best interest .

Hermonie2016 Thu 12-Jan-17 19:12:35

A mediator does often refer to what a court could consider reasonable so it's not a blind exercise.However I agree a solicitor will act in your interests.Usually a mediator will advise each party to see a solicitor afterwards to validate the deal.A mediator can ask for disclosure but doesn't insist on it.A court will ask for declarations and there will be penalties associated if later it's found to be incorrect.

There is a divorce suport thread and wisdom tends to be that if the figures involved are large and you suspect your ex will not be honest then court is likely to be the route.You can start with mediation and end it if not constructive.
That's my plan as like you there is an account with a balance I'm aware of, the balance isn't big but I'm not sure where he is getting funds from to put in the account as I am supposed to see all his statements from his salary.This makes me suspicious.
However if he offers something reasonable in mediation then I will review with my solicitor.

My friend went to court and it cost her 10k but she received over 10X that for payments up to when her children were 18.So completely worth it for her.

ErnieAndBernie Fri 13-Jan-17 07:58:29

Thanks for all the advice and information. I think I might pay to see a solicitor for advice on what to negotiate for. Then use that advice when with a mediator. At least if I go in knowing what I'd likely be awarded through courts then I will have the confidence to stand my ground.

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