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First time online dater, help!

(29 Posts)
12345a Thu 12-Jan-17 08:34:48

I have not told any personal friends that I am OLD but need some advice.
I have met an amazing man Online and we swopped numbers, names, family pictures and spoke on the phone for hours. The chemistry between us was instant. After a few days he started to sext, nothing too crude and then out of the blue he face timed me. It was lovely speaking with him face to face and we knew we wanted to meet eachother and made plans. He has a reputable career on line.
Then one night I let go of inhibitions and started to respond to him with more revealing pictures and one thing led to another. Needless to say I've fallen for him, I thought he had too from the things he was saying and his expressions.
I told him that I was nervous about meeting at his home and that perhaps we were moving too quickly too fast. He agreed we need to slow down if we were going to give our relationship a chance to develop. Later he texted me that he still wanted to meet me but had to cancel our first date . I've had no contact in the last day when I used to get good night and morning texts.
It's my first experience online and the first person I've opened up for over a year. He seems perfect and could be feeling various like me. On the other hand he could have had his excitement and is trying to keep me on tap. Does anyone have any advice or experience about this, no judgement please, I already know I've been a little naive and think I know some obvious advice that's coming my way...

LesisMiserable Thu 12-Jan-17 08:38:58

You'll hear from him if he thinks you'll have sex.

TheNaze73 Thu 12-Jan-17 08:42:47

Seems like a lot of groundwork from him, if it's just a sex thing.

Do you know for certain, he's not in a relationship though?

Rosierose98 Thu 12-Jan-17 08:45:48

No decent guy looking for a relationship instigates sex type talk. After a while of OLD you will realise that the guys are good at playing along ( chemistry etc ) to get what they want. If you want a one night stand, meet him, if you are looking for a relationship don't contact this guy anymore.

LesisMiserable Thu 12-Jan-17 08:46:33

I personally think going down the sexting before youve even met completely devalues any 'bonding' you might have done before hand and basically categorises you as a pull instead of a serious prospect. Therefore he'll contact you if he needs a itch scratching as you seem willing.

EvaWild Thu 12-Jan-17 08:50:40

I would not sway either way to say you should continue or shouldn't. Trust your gut and your desire. Forget about his motives for a second and ask yourself: what do YOU want? Do you want to have sex with him? Do you feel like you want something more to develop? How do you want to do it: talk and learn more about each other or get close intimate? You have a say on the matter just as much as he does and it all depends on how you play it out. I'd say quit playing chess with odds and probabilities of this and that and go after what you want.

Trills Thu 12-Jan-17 08:51:06

The obvious advice is:
1 - don't send explicit pictures to people you haven't met
2 - don't get emotionally attached to people you haven't met

Flopsypopsy Thu 12-Jan-17 08:53:05

Run for the hills. This one falls firmly into the "just wanting sex" category.

There are all sorts doing online dating and you need to wise up. There are those as above, there are genuine types, ones just wanting to talk, those who will con you out of your life savings, there are serial daters who always think a better date is just waiting for them and more besides.

So how do you sort out who is who?

Firstly, don't email for weeks on end as you are wasting your time. A genuine type wants to meet.

Don't give out any personal details.

Don't go for anyone who mentions sex before you've even met.

Go for someone who wants to meet. You will never know if there is genuine attraction unless you meet.

If someone suggests anything other than a meeting in a public place, forget it.

If you decide to meet, tell someone where you are going and when. Get them to call you when you are on the date. This checks you are ok and gives you a reason to leave early if necessary.

If you like the person and you both want to meet again, then continue with caution.

If anyone gives you any reason at all why they need money, run like stink.

Grow a thick skin. There will be those who you quite like who don't like you. That's their problem not yours.

Did I mention being cautious? You have no idea who you are actually talking to.

Finally, try and enjoy yourself and make new friends. If you're lucky you might meet someone special. Good luck.

12345a Thu 12-Jan-17 08:55:00

It did seem like a lot of ground work form him. He had invited me to stay with him, I knew all about his family, job... he texted me every morning, through the day, night, pictures of us doing normal things etc. We have similar backgrounds, education and careers - I trust him. We both took our profiles off the site. (his is still hidden)
I think he has run a mile because he could see in my eyes that I was falling for him. When I said that I was nervous about meeting him he suggested we should simmer the relationship if it were going to have a chance.
I deleted all his messages last night and contact details, but stupidly texted good night, i've heard nothing back and would normally have had a call in the morning.

My gut tells me its finished, but part of me thinks maybe he was also falling too fast and wants to pause.

LesisMiserable Thu 12-Jan-17 08:59:55

He wasnt.

LesisMiserable Thu 12-Jan-17 09:01:53

And trusting someone you've never met? I'm genuinely a little afraid for you. Please proceed in OLD carefully.

BernieBear Thu 12-Jan-17 09:02:08

It sounds like he may be ghosting you. This happens a lot. It's his problem, not yours! Go to the dating thread and have a natter on there. You'll get loads of genuine advice, help and realise you are not alone! There are also "guidelines" printed at the top of the thread which are great to keep refering to. Good Luck for next time

Never, EVER send personal pictures to someone you have never met (or even someone you have only met a couple of times)

12345a Thu 12-Jan-17 09:02:29

Such great advice, thank you.

My last relationship of 11 years started with meeting and then spending the night together so I don't think there are any rules to dating, its what you are comfortable with.

However, I did not have an iphone then and rules have changed now. Luckily there were no explicit images of me, more of him, which incidently I deleted.

I'm going to...

1. Close the door on him, delete all contact details
2. Tweak my profile and reinstate it online
3. Start again
4. Wise up....

GinIsIn Thu 12-Jan-17 09:06:08

I am now married to a lovely, lovely man who I met through OLD.

BUT....

I encountered a load of possessive, demanding, weird, lying misogynists along the way and you need to be prepared for that.

1. People can say ANYTHING on the Internet. Doesn't make it true. From the guy who used photos that were a good 6 years old, and had gained 10 stone in the meantime, to the guy who stated he was 5'10 and on our date was at least 3 inches shorter than me (5'5), to the guy who conveniently neglected to mention he was married. Never take anything as gospel and if you haven't met them in person, never share anything more than you would with a stranger at the bus stop as they could be anyone.

2. Guys who want to meet up pretty much instantly are usually out for one thing.

3. Guys who still haven't tried to arrange plans to meet after chatting for several weeks are probably hiding something and haven't been truly honest.

4. Anyone who sexts, sends naked pics or asks for them is only out for gratification - unless you are after a no strings ONS, drop them like a hot potato!

5. It's easy to get sucked into the adrenalin buzz of OLD and message more frequently than you would if you'd met in RL, and this can lead you to think you are keener on them than you are, or to think they are keener on you than they are. Bear that in mind!

6. Always try to meet somewhere neutral or on your home turf, in case they aren't who they say they are, and ALWAYS tell someone who you are meeting and where you are going.

7. It should be fun - if it feels too much like hard work, it probably is!

LesisMiserable Thu 12-Jan-17 09:07:23

I met my DP online, we had sex on our first date, together two years+ now. We had zero sexting and zero explicit images before we met. We make love n the bedroom we didnt and dont have sex on our phones. Nothing wrong with it, but giving that patt of yourself away so cheaply by remotely getting a stranger off is not the basis off a real connection. It could grow into something more, it more than likely won't.

9GreenBottles Thu 12-Jan-17 09:09:11

My biggest advice would be never to trust chemistry till you meet, and if you are looking for a relationship rather than a fling, use every bit of Flopsy's advice in the future. I'm sorry if it hurts just now.

IToldYouIWasFreaky Thu 12-Jan-17 09:18:55

You haven't met this guy right? Then I'm sorry, but you don't know him, you can't be falling for him and you definitely can't trust him. I've been OLD for the past 18months or so (though spent the last 3 months in a lovely relationship with a lovely guy I met on Tinder...it can happen!) and that is the most important and most difficult lesson to learn...until you meet and spend actual proper time with someone, talking to them, getting to know them, then they are a stranger, no matter how many texts and photos you've exchanged.
There's a dating thread on there that you might want to check out and one of the rules is "it's all bullshit until it actually happens".

There's nothing wrong with sexting with someone you've "met" online and nothing wrong sleeping with someone early on (I've done both!) but a guy who is looking for more than just sex/sexting will suggest meeting up as soon as you've established a rapport. Every time.

ocelot7 Thu 12-Jan-17 10:48:11

Great post Fenella
You have to toughen up for OLD
I mostly hated it (met all those characters Fenella describes!) but didn't see an alternative. Then out of the blue someone different contacted me & we have been together 8 months....its going well but still early days smile
I realised in retrospect what bad behaviour I'd previously put up with but more importantly that a 'spark' on meeting is overrated and a bit ridiculous really. That relationship crashed & burned so much for that spark/instant connection! This guy didn't blow me away immediately but I liked him more the more I got to know him. Still getting to know each other...

MsStricty Thu 12-Jan-17 12:44:03

Some great posts here, and this one by Rosierose summed it up for me:

"No decent guy looking for a relationship instigates sex type talk. After a while of OLD you will realise that the guys are good at playing along ( chemistry etc ) to get what they want. If you want a one night stand, meet him, if you are looking for a relationship don't contact this guy anymore."

I'm an internet dating veteran having been on and offline for about 10 years. Seen it all; done it all (well, nearly), and the man I'm now with in a LTR is the only man where there were no sweeping declarations, and/or no sexting. It was measured, consistent - rather grown-up, really smile

12345a Thu 12-Jan-17 12:52:47

Thank you so much for your advice. It's easy to get drawn into fantasy.
I'm learning quickly!

MsStricty Thu 12-Jan-17 12:57:05

Yeah - don't place much stock in that "spark" at all - no matter what every fucking romance novel, movie, or popular wisdom tells you.

We seem to be conditioned to believe that that spark = true love / soul mate. People even go out to find that above anything else.

The truth is that it's potent and incredibly seductive - and it's projection, pure and simple. One day, sooner or later, it falls away, and we're left to contend with the real person underneath. And that's when a relationship starts.

rememberthetime Thu 12-Jan-17 13:08:32

Actually I don't agree. Sexting is OK, if you are OK with it. I find it a bit irritating that men are vilified for sexting with someone they have connected with online and that women are told they are naive for doing so.

For mutual satisfaction and fun or simply distraction, there is nothing at all wrong with it. it has to be better than a one night stand.

I also don't think that sexting means you can't have a longer term relationship. People connect with each other in different ways and an exciting and sexual connection can be the basis for something that is also fulfilling and long term.

I personally can't be sexual with someone whose personality I don't like. It doesn't matter to me if I discover that personality via a few days of messaging or a few hours of meeting them. Yes online messaging and phone calls are a different way of being with someone, but it doesn't mean it has no place in terms of the range of relationships we all have.

An someone who is introverted and shy, I find it easier to connect with people in this way and that doesn't make me weird or wrong. Just different. It just takes me longer before i want to meet and put the relationship on a more standard footing.

GinIsIn Thu 12-Jan-17 13:13:19

rememberthetime nobody is saying setting isn't ok. What we are saying is that setting someone you don't know who could be anyone is not smart.....

BoxingHelena Thu 12-Jan-17 13:53:39

For mutual satisfaction and fun or simply distraction, there is nothing at all wrong with it. it has to be better than a one night stand.

a bit of a stretch imo
I would say for mutual satisfaction and fun or simply distraction, there is nothing at all wrong with a ONS smile

ImperialBlether Thu 12-Jan-17 13:58:30

OP, what was stopping the two of you meeting immediately? Is this a long distance relationship? If not, why were both of you sexting instead of meeting up?

You know you were crazy for sending him explicit photos of yourself before you'd even met him. Those photos could end up anywhere - think twice before you get carried away with someone!

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