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How would this make you feel and what would you do about it?(35 Posts)
DH is more of a talker than me. He witters on incessantly at times and seems to want my attention a lot. However, as soon as I begin to talk he appears to have no interest whatsoever. He thinks it's me being sensitive.
But how would you feel if your DH began tapping, leg shaking, yawning, twitching and more annoyingly of all, finishing off your sentences to what he thinks you might say next? And generally getting it wrong. It's driving me mad.
I have started getting in a twist when I'm talking to him now, I stutter, forget my trail of thought and forget what I'm saying in anticipation of his agitated behaviour and speaking over me and finishing off my sentences with the wrong thing.
Sometimes when we have challenging or important things to discuss , I could cry. What can I do about this? DH knows he does it but forgets himself time and time again.
It would make me feel upset, angry, unheard, unloved. It would make me feel that the relationship wouldn't survive to be honest (sorry).
What would I do about it? Tell him, express exactly how it makes me feel, and that if it doesn't improve it's over because essentially he is not interested in who you are, how you are, what you think, what you need, your dreams, your day to day life - ANYTHING.
I agree, it's being a selfish communicator, that's what it is. I have a colleague who displays similar behaviour and labours under illusion that she's a fabulous co-worker, but really it's a passive aggressive way of behaving. I do same thing OP - start hesitating when I talk in front of her because she's so impatient she can't wait for others to finish before she can talk and when others are speaking often turns away as she can't give them a millisecond of her attention.
Suggest you need to lay it on the line to your DH and let him know how his behaviour is affecting your mutual communication. Good luck!
If my DH did that happen it is would annoy me and I'd get up and leave the room. Leave him to fidget and twitch as much as he wants.
I have little patience for that.
Thanks all. I think that getting up and leaving the room is a good way to deal with it in the short term. I find myself getting sulky and frustrated with him which just makes me feel a bit yuk afterwards and he gets all huffy and puffy because I'm "being moody again."
My ex was like that. I developed a bloody stutter! Took me a long time to work our what had caused it though. You need to make him really listen and understand how it makes you feel. Is he the same with other people?
How long has this been going on for and how and when did it start? I can't imagine how you would marry such a person. I'd feel unloved, unliked even and sad and fucking annoyed!
Could he possibly have ADHD? The compulsive talking and the fidgety behaviour and impulsive interjections when someone else is talking are indicators. Does he do this with everyone, or only you?
It started as soon as things got 'comfortable' which was after DC was born a few years ago. Before that, he seemed to listen a lot more. But then I was slimmer and more attractive with more things to talk about than bills and babies and decorating. Maybe I'm just boring.
He has a nervous leg shake which he does regularly in everyday life, so I know it's probably not just me atleast. I would say the finishing off sentences is possibly a learned behaviour as both his parents do the same.
Perhaps leave the room as soon as he starts talking.... or interrupt him and finish his sentences and see if he can spot how you're mirroring his behaviour. Don't put yourself down by saying it's because you're less slim or "boring". The way he's communicating is painful to you and he must respect your feelings as his partner.
I disagree the leg shake is a nervous tic. I think it's impatience with you because his mind is on other things. Everything you describe screams, "Hurry up so I can go/do/think/speak about something more interesting than listening to you, which I'm only pretending to do anyway". He is being very disrespectful and blatantly taking you for granted. His behaviour will crush your self-esteem and your long term emotional well-being is at risk.
You could try couples counselling in the hope he hasn't already checked out of your relationship.
Don't get fobbed off with the old "You're being too sensitive" line, so often trotted out to divert attention away from someone else's poor treatment of you. He's neglecting you and being extremely rude.
Oh OP. I feel for you, I had a friend ( now ex friend) like this and that's bad enough but your DH doing it is awful. She would talk for ages, boasting mainly if I'm honest.Then when I spoke to her, she would interrupt me, actually physically look away, check her phone , suck her teeth, roll her eyes. I got so sick of it, I would stop talking mid sentence and just look at her until she realized, then she'd start talking about something else! I started doing the same to her. She noticed and she didn't like it. She'd text me, I'd text her back and she'd say she was too busy to talk, re but I'd replied to her! We are no longer friends.
Start doing the same thing he does to you, to him. When he notices , say what I said to my ex friend "oh I'm sorry, do you not like me treating you the way you treat me?"
I get that it will crush my self-steem in the long run, which has never been all that great anyway. I've asked him to come to couples counselling but he's very reluctant. When he's constantly yawning throughout me explaining something to him, he always puts it down to tiredness, but I just find it extremely rude. He defends the twitches down to him being fidgety (which he is) but I too think it's his impatience coming through. He has very little self awareness I feel and doesnt qppreciate how he's coming across.
That would drive me insane.
Tell him he has two ears but, only one mouth for a reason!
I completely understand OP. It's such an obvious lack of respect "you're really boring me and I can't wait for you to finish so I'll finish your sentence for you...."
I think you have to pull him up each and every time he does it. My ex used to interrupt ALL the time - what helped here was that he did it at work too, and he was picked up on it.
Stop what you're saying and actually ask him - "Am i boring you? I don't feel that you are listening to me."
"Please don't interrupt - I'm going to say that again now."
Twitter has got it.
This exactly; It's such an obvious lack of respect
I'd feel very disrespected.
If he started do that when I was talking then I'd say 'fuck you' and walk out of the room.
Every single time!!
Until it sinks in.
Don't worry about him joining you in counselling.
Go on your own and understand why you put up with this and why it's now having such an impact on you.
Why you can't just tell him to STFU.
It will help you greatly.
Once you are getting somewhere with the counselling you can maybe ask him to join you for the odd session.
But it will certainly help you with coping strategies.
I went on a date with someone like this once....never met anyone as rude.
Sometimes I do tell him to STFU and he then tells me how digusted he is at how rude I can be. Because he isn't swearing or telling me to shut up and I am, he thinks I'm the rude one. I can't win.
He would also argue that I don't listen to him. I don't a lot of the time. He is constantly wittering on when I'm wanting a bit of quiet time or when I'm trying to engage with DC.
That would drive me mad. I have friend who finishes sentences for me, I hate it. It's like she's not wanting to hear what I have to say! You will have to spell it out to him, that one person does not talk, until the other is finished.
My ex is just like this. He's on the path to being diagnosed with Adult ADHD, I am not joking.
I can't imagine that DH has ADHD but I have considered the possibility of Aspergers based on a few other things. One thing that also really annoys me is when we're talking to or socialising with other people and he continually corrects me with comments like:
" It wasn't 2 o'clock it was 3oclock"
"You didn't say that you said this..."
"He didn't do quite that he did this..."
"Well I wouldnt say that"
Details which are just not important to the story at all and I can see the person we're speaking to slowly losing interest ad DH faffs over every min or detail. He knows he does it and is very apologetic at times, it improves and then begins again...
It must be totally annoying op, and I can understand your reaction to swear and get upset. But then that puts him on righteous ground and you as the offender.
So i think you need to practice some firm responses that help you maintain your cool, be honest in expressing that his behaviour is annoying, and enable you to finish your conversation. But do it in the moment it's happening, so that it's an instant reaction to obvious behaviour:
Can you stop twitching your leg please, it's offputting my train of thought?
Stop and take a deep breath, "are you listening to what I'm saying, because I don't feel like you're paying attention?"
In a group conversation just stop, turn to him and say "please don't interrupt me, I'm trying to finish what I'm saying..." or "can I just finish my conversation please?" Or stare him down and say "it's not a particularly important part of the story"
After all he's not bothered about showing you up, so pay him back the complement. I'm sure your friends find it annoying too, I hate it when the flow of a story is interrupted.
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