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Need advice asap please

(11 Posts)
Stripesandsprinkles Wed 11-Jan-17 18:21:13

So I have a 4 year daughter and she stays at her dads once/twice a week so about 2 weeks ago he phoned and said he can't afford to give me any money for her this month at all because he was struggling a bit as he has been suspended at work and is on basic pay so I said ok if you don't have the money you don't have the money which my partner wasn't happy about because he feels I'm to soft and I help my daughters dad out to much and am to understanding it was then my daughters birthday the week later and we were having a party for her with a few of her friends and her dad said he couldn't give me a penny towards it he still came to the party and my daughter had a good day but with all this and then it being just after Christmas I'm really struggling myself now money wise for the rest of the month but today my daughters dad phoned and said he was really really struggling and can't afford to buy food in for my daughter going to his house this month(maybe next depending on what happens with his work) and asked if I can send food for her when she goes to his house breakfast lunch and snacks which I agreed to on the phone but since I got off the phone my partner and some family are saying he's taking advantage of me and saying I shouldn't send my daughter to his until he can afford to feed her again because he's not in a position to look after her he doesn't drive my daughter gets dropped off and picked up and they are saying what if something happend like she had a bad fall and he couldn't afford a taxi to her to a hospital or anything I just don't know what to do I was just going to send the food and that be it until he was in a better position advice and opinions please x

6demandingchildren Wed 11-Jan-17 19:03:11

It's not your daughter's fault he has fallen on hard times, personally I would be like you especially if he is a good dad and she enjoys spending time with him.

Ilovecaindingle Wed 11-Jan-17 19:07:58

Why was he suspended? Not very responsible risking a job when he has a child to support.
Presumably he knew when dd birthday was so he should have had either money put away or her a present sorted?
Tell him to pop along to his local food bank so he can look after his child when she is over there. . Or borrow from family /friends like other skint people have to. .
He needs to get his act together or he will be asking for toilet roll and for you to wipe his arse.

Freedom2017 Wed 11-Jan-17 19:12:48

I would provide the food but make it clear it's just this once. At least you can make sure she is eating properly not just random stuff from a food bank. Next time I would reconsider sending her at all. If he can't provide for the most basic of her needs then she shouldn't be going until he has sorted himself out.

WeeMcBeastie Wed 11-Jan-17 19:37:24

I agree with your partner and family members. It's not your fault that he's been suspended and is broke. Is he going to backdate payments to you if and when he gets himself sorted? If he's been suspended then presumably he has a lot of free time to be doing some sort of additional work. I was made redundant in 2010 and it took me 10 months to get a job at the same pay level. During this time, I had up to 4 casual jobs at a time to make sure I could pay my bills and that my children didn't go without. Sorry if I sound quite opinionated on this matter it's just that 2 of my friends are currently in the same position as you so it's angered me how much they're struggling due to no fault of their own. I would be tempted to cut down the time she sees him until he sorts himself out, there's no way I'd be sending food!

FatOldBag Wed 11-Jan-17 19:46:28

No if he can't afford to feed her there's no fucking way I'd send her. There's no way on earth I would not be able to feed my children, if I had food to feed myself they'd get it instead, and that's after looking into selling stuff, getting extra work, borrowing (loan/credit card/social fund/friends/family). He's taking the piss or he hasn't got his priorities straight. I'd worry about his parenting if he's this ridiculous tbh. When he's re-gained some sense, as well as some money, then he'll be in a position to look after her. Until then he can sort himself out and you take care of your dd yourself.

TatianaLarina Wed 11-Jan-17 22:32:09

Are you sure he has been suspended?

Has he ever had form for drugs, alcohol, gambling?

Even if he has been suspended, it doesn't cost very much to feed a 4 year old. The story doesn't add up to me.

Stripesandsprinkles Wed 11-Jan-17 22:59:04

He used to be a gambling addict and that did cross my mind but I know he hasn't been at work because he's said he can take our daughter any day because obviously he doesn't have work and usually he works 6 days a week he's phoned during the day as well which he couldn't usually do although I did think maybe has been suspended and then been stressed and gambled the rest of his wages away I'm not sure. I've always felt a sence of responsibility to look after him which is why my partner gets annoyed and I understand that I would be the same but I'm a caring person It's just in my nature

Cricrichan Wed 11-Jan-17 23:03:08

He's taking g the piss. I wouldn't send her until he has enough to feed her etc.

TatianaLarina Wed 11-Jan-17 23:04:19

Your responsibility is to your daughter not to him.

It's sounds like he has been genuinely suspended (or sacked), but it doesn't surprise me that he has had past gambling habit because basic pay should be enough to feed his daughter if it's just him.

You can get 500g of pasta for 50p.

Bant Wed 11-Jan-17 23:24:46

He is taking the piss.

But, it's good for her to spend time with him. Maybe he can go from a few overnights to lots of taking her to free places for a few hours at a time (museums etc) until he's got himself sorted out?

I feel bad for the guy, and when his world may be caving in, losing time with his child isn't going to help. Maybe flexibility is key here

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