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I've been stupid. Give me a good talking to.

(63 Posts)
caterpuller Wed 11-Jan-17 15:03:32

I'm in a long-term relationship (25 years) with 3 children, but my partner and I haven't had sex in over 6 years. His choice, not mine. He says he has no drive at all and is not capable of getting an erection. He's an alcoholic, who has functioned and kept it under control until about 6 months ago when it started to spiral. He's barely functioning right now, although managing to hold down his job, he is drunk unless he's in the office.

Anyway, about 6 months ago he confessed to having in the past paid for sex. I was shocked at first, but even more shocked by my lack of emotion. And hearing that news spurred me to seek a physical relationship with someone else. I crave intimacy - sex, kissing, the closeness of being naked with someone who is attracted to me. I can't bear never having that again. My partner was never intimate and there was never any type of foreplay. His idea of sex was straight penetration, until he came. There was never any enjoyment in it for me, and I regret bitterly now that I couldn't talk to him about it.

Anyway. Long story short. I met a man who lives overseas - in Europe - and we had passionate and intimate sex when he was visiting the UK on a fairly regular basis. I thought we had a real connection. But he has turned out to be a shit. Of course! And now I need to cut all ties with him and get over it. But I am finding it hard. I don't feel emotionally strong enough to do it. I hate that I am behaving like a doormat, and I know it's not good for me. I know it's actually the last thing I need, but I feel desperately lonely and unwanted.

I need someone to give me a good kick up the arse. So please give me some words of encouragement so dust myself off and find some self respect. I'm really struggling right now to muster the strength to do what I know is right.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

MrsBertBibby Wed 11-Jan-17 15:09:51

Getting a kicking isn't a great way of improving your self esteem! Be a bit kinder to yourself.

You need to get out of this relationship, so you can start liking yourself a bit more.

category12 Wed 11-Jan-17 15:14:09

I think you need to make the moves towards getting out of your marriage - it's more than time. Be brave. Look into what it will take to split.

TwitterQueen1 Wed 11-Jan-17 15:14:53

OK, so I would say stop beating yourself up!

You know this man is a bit of shit but you're clinging on not because of your undying love for him, but because he gave you affection, physical love, care etc - all the things your DP has not provided for years. That's hardly surprising.

I suspect this affair has highlighted just how unsatisfactory your relationship is with your DP and how unhappy you are with him. I think you need to have a long, long talk with him.

Adora10 Wed 11-Jan-17 15:29:45

Well in a way it's good you have found out now, so now you know NEITHER man is any use to you whatsoever so get going on your new life; don't struggle along in a dead relationship seeking out thrills elsewhere and don't stay with a man that pays for sex, both are extremely depressing so no wonder your self esteem is shot.

Tbh, I really hate folk who cheat; you should've got out before now; your affair is just the end result of not going when you should have.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 11-Jan-17 15:41:00

Tell both of them to get to fuck!
They are of no use to what-so-ever.
Get yourself some counselling.
19 years of shite ex and 6 years of rejection will have taking a huge toll on your self-esteem.
So work on yourself and then you'll be ready for a 'proper' relationship.
Where each partner wants to satisfy the other.
Where this is love and affection.
You know you deserve it after 25 years of this awful crap.
Get out and find yourself again.
It's truly liberating!

c3pu Wed 11-Jan-17 15:41:03

Sounds like you should have left your partner at least 6 years ago.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 11-Jan-17 15:41:29

Loads of mistakes - sorry - I hope you get where I'm coming from!

TwitterQueen1 Wed 11-Jan-17 15:45:54

"Adora" "Tbh, I really hate folk who cheat". Nice. biscuit

category12 Wed 11-Jan-17 15:47:20

Being single and doing it alone has been amazing for my self-esteem. You can do it!

Adora10 Wed 11-Jan-17 15:59:52

"Adora" "Tbh, I really hate folk who cheat". Nice. biscuit

I hate the behaviour, not going to apologise for that, sorry if that offends you.

FetchezLaVache Wed 11-Jan-17 16:05:48

This man might have been a shit, but your partner's a bigger one, in my view. I would advise you to get out of your relationship and free yourself up for the intimacy you crave. You can't make your partner better and his addiction is no excuse for how he's treated you. Life is short. x

Alwayslookabove31 Wed 11-Jan-17 16:17:49

Ditch them both and find someone else.

TwitterQueen1 Wed 11-Jan-17 16:30:59

Adora There's a huge, important difference between hating the person and hating the behaviour.

You haven't offended me. Your 1st comment was unpleasant and uncalled for, that's all.

Adora10 Wed 11-Jan-17 16:44:52

*Adora There's a huge, important difference between hating the person and hating the behaviour.

You haven't offended me. Your 1st comment was unpleasant and uncalled for, that's all.*

How on earth can I hate a person I don't even know....confused

Yes it was called for, I don't agree with cheating, the OP says herself: give me a good talking to, I think I did that and also gave advice.

Unpleasant - what do you think cheating is - it's a lot worse believe me.

caterpuller Wed 11-Jan-17 17:00:48

Thank you everyone. Adora yes I would have said I hated people who cheat before too. I get where you're coming from. But I also think that in a situation where I would like to help my partner recover from his addiction, I thought that I could find a mutually beneficial extra-marital relationship that would give me the physical and emotional support I lack and crave. I accept that I was wrong.

Adora10 Wed 11-Jan-17 17:03:49

We all make mistakes Caterpuller, I've personal experience of affairs, my mum had a breakdown over my dad's infidelity so my viewpoint is based on my own experience - two wrongs do not make a right.

I don't hate anyone btw, I perhaps used wrong wording there, I don't agree with it put it that way, under any circumstances.

caterpuller Wed 11-Jan-17 17:08:32

I only think the cheating was bad because it didn't help me in my situation. It was not the solution. The man I have been seeing has also been married for many years. He is sexually frustrated (or so he said). When we first slept together, we were like 2 fumbling idiots who had forgotten what to do. He is also fiercely loyal to his family, and I had/have no intention of either of us ending up together. I don't love him, and vice versa. We both love our partners despite the shortcomings in our relationships. I am only human, and emotionally vulnerable, and I mistakenly thought that an affair was the answer. I'm happy to admit that it was wrong, but I don't actually think that extra marital sex is always wrong….it's only wrong if people get hurt. What would you do if your husband didn't want sex with you? But you didn't want to leave him and see him deteriorate? He's the father of my children, he has supported us financially for many years, until I went back to work, and admitted to the prostitutes during a lengthy conversation about where our relationship was going and whether we should stay together. I appreciated his honesty. I've always known he has issues with sex. He is incapable of physical intimacy and enjoyment other than penetration and his own orgasm. I realise now that this is not normal, but when we met and fell in love I chose to ignore it. I take responsibility for that.

Thank you to everyone for the wise words. I know my other half needs help…I also know that longer term we are probably not going to be together. But I feel that leaving him now would be horrific in terms of his recovery. Is it so wrong to want to support him through that?

caterpuller Wed 11-Jan-17 17:10:47

Adora thank you. The ironic thing is that both my parents had affairs and I absolutely swore for the whole of my life, until 4 months ago, that I would not be like them and would not destroy my children's home life by engaging in that sort of behaviour. Even when I did, I remained steadfast in my belief that it would not affect them, and I was partly attracted to this man because we both said upfront this was not about replacing our partners.

I was naive and should have known better.

Butterymuffin Wed 11-Jan-17 17:12:35

If not now, when? You can't take responsibility for his recovery. He has to do that himself. And it might be easier, oddas it probably sounds, to support him as a friend than as his supposed partner in a dying relationship. I think you should say that you'll be there to support him as a friend and co-parent but as partners you haven't been working out for quite a while and that to both move forward with your lives you should be honest about that.

Adora10 Wed 11-Jan-17 17:13:09

There is no way I'd stay with a man that did not want a sexual relationship, he also paid for sex, so that would be the nail in the coffin for me, I think you have both acted really badly OP and I will never, ever agree there is ever a time for cheating.

You should have left him and then sought out a partner, at least that way you have no guilt or have to lie to anyone.

What recovery OP?

caterpuller Wed 11-Jan-17 17:14:04

I should also say that the way I feel now is not about wanting to be with this man permanently. It's more about the things he said he could offer me not manifesting. He said he wanted to provide me with the things I was lacking at home, that we could make each other happy within the constraints of what we were doing. But actually, his behaviour has shown otherwise. And I should have realised what I was getting in to. I've been foolish and allowed myself to get carried away. Even now, I would like him to want me, and still be around, despite not wanting to make a life with him. It's confusing to me and I wish I hadn't started it in the first place.

caterpuller Wed 11-Jan-17 17:16:13

Adora recovery from his alcoholism. We are actively seeking help for him, but of course he is not making it easy.

The sex he paid for was a long time ago - apparently - before he started to suffer from erectile dysfunction. I believe him, but of course I might be wrong to do so. I have known for a few years that his lack of sex drive and inability to have an erection is because of the drinking.

Mytime79 Wed 11-Jan-17 17:17:00

I don't know how it's possible to still love a partner who doesn't respect himself let alone you. My love would have died long ago. You get one life and you are wasting yours.

Adora10 Wed 11-Jan-17 17:17:31

Oh yes, his alcoholism, you can't fix it or help it imo, he has to want to stop himself and it's not your job to facilitate his drinking either by staying and supporting him, perhaps if you left and he reached rock bottom he'd get a light bulb moment, I don't know, perhaps he's quite happy to carry on as he is, only you know if it's worth hanging about for.

But, you can leave a relationship any time you want, you're under no obligation to stay out of pity; he's an adult, he's making his own choices.

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