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Be honest or hide my past?

(171 Posts)
MichelleNeedsMore Wed 11-Jan-17 12:39:04

Please be gentle with me - looking for some honest advice. I split up from my ex almost 2 years ago and he didn't pay me any money for the first few months. To make ends meet for a year or so I did some escort work. Haven't ever told friends of family about it. I made good money, alongside my day job, and once my ex started payments I eventually stopped doing the escort work. The advice I would like is this - Ive started dating a lovely man and I feel unsure whether to be honest with him about my past. What do you feel?

MsGameandWatch Wed 11-Jan-17 12:46:19

No. it's your own business and you do not need to share it with anyone. Personally, and I know NAMALT, but I have never met a man who wouldn't use that kind of information against his DP/DW if things went wrong at a later date.

In general I think only minimal information needs sharing regarding previous relationships and sexual partners. It's a brand new relationship, why drag old baggage into it?

SadTrombone Wed 11-Jan-17 12:49:14

OP - best was I can think to answer this would be to ask yourself this question and answer honestly:

If he had previously been an escort - would you want him to tell you or keep quiet?

Whatever you would expect / want him to do is probably whathe you should do in return

xx

TheNaze73 Wed 11-Jan-17 13:06:29

You're entitled to a past & any decent new partner would be understanding.

I don't think you're under any obligation to tell him. If my ex had been one & they told me, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, if it did come out.

ineedmorelemonpledge Wed 11-Jan-17 13:08:12

You did what you needed to do to support your DC op. It's a chapter now closed.

I think just leave it in the past. If you don't want to tell family or friends then why would disclose to a new partner?

Assuming (and I'm sorry I hate to say but it's a question always that would come up with multiple partners ) that medically you have no fallback based on what you did, It's your business and your business alone.

Do you think there would ever be a situation that could catch you out? Regular client living locally for example?

MichelleNeedsMore Wed 11-Jan-17 13:14:46

It's just that we had the discussion about how many partners we'd had since we split up and I lied. If I told him "over 50" he might run a mile - but I really like him and I wonder if it's worse to live with dishones?

MichelleNeedsMore Wed 11-Jan-17 13:15:16

Dishonesty

MichelleNeedsMore Wed 11-Jan-17 13:17:42

I did have a couple of regular clients so yes that does worry me a little

ineedmorelemonpledge Wed 11-Jan-17 13:20:03

I've had over 50 and I wasn't an escort OP. He's never asked so I'm not offering it up.

It's a bit of an insecure question in later life isn't it? I never thought of asking my DP that question.

We are in our 40's and we've had a life.

Plus they aren't partners are they? technically

RainbowsandLemonDrops Wed 11-Jan-17 13:22:41

I wouldn't tell him. What is the chance of him finding out if no one knows? As long as friends of his aren't your old clients it's probably slim.

What he doesn't know wouldn't hurt him?

Everyone deserves happiness regardless of their past.

Butterymuffin Wed 11-Jan-17 13:22:45

I wouldn't. It is, sadly, the kind of thing even otherwise decent people get twitchy about. You don't have to explain your past to him. Put it behind you and move on. Regular clients, if ever met = 'someone you used to work with', don't see why the nature of the work has to be explained.

MichelleNeedsMore Wed 11-Jan-17 13:24:43

I think he actually asked me "How many men have you had sex with since you split up from your ex" - so no they weren't partners, and I guess thinking about it it must have been quite a few more than 50

GTS Wed 11-Jan-17 13:28:00

No way on earth! And if he's insecure to be asking you the question as to how many partners you've had, then that's another REALLY BIG reason not to divulge. You're not being dishonest, but you've moved on from that period of your life, and frankly...it's got fuck all to do with him IMO.

talksensetome Wed 11-Jan-17 13:28:06

I have been in your shoes OP and I decided not to tell. None of anyone else's business.

Cricrichan Wed 11-Jan-17 13:28:17

It's none of his business how many people you've slept with. I wouldn't tell him because if the relationship turned foul later on, he may use it against you, tell people etc.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Wed 11-Jan-17 13:29:47

I honestly wouldn't of minded if DH had been an escort prior too me. All of require is a clean STI result sheet.
I would like him to tell me before hand though.

Is there any chance he could bump into someone who could let slip?

Would you want too know this information about a potential partner?

MichelleNeedsMore Wed 11-Jan-17 13:36:35

No I have never had any STI'S - fully checked

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 11-Jan-17 13:57:31

Honesty is important and I would respect a partner for telling me. It may be a dealbreaker for him but then you don't have this secret hanging over you.
I imagine it would be something you'd discuss with only very trusted people in your life, and as you haven't told anyone, you risk him repeating what you say.

If you tell him, context is everything.

If you reconsider and prefer not to mention it now, thinking it's possible he will care less by the time the 2 of you are more established as a couple, that's a risky strategy.

I never thought to ask boyfriends how many women they'd slept with. Whether it's 1 or 100, safe sex is still safe sex, and unsafe sex is dangerous.

LittleOyster Wed 11-Jan-17 14:11:29

I wouldn't tell him. It's none of his business and he shouldn't be asking. Plus, he sounds a bit insecure and exactly the kind of guy who would react badly.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 11-Jan-17 14:15:41

Your past is your past. Its gone. Its not a secret its history. Youre not obliged to discuss it with anyone.

MichelleNeedsMore Wed 11-Jan-17 14:18:08

You may be right Donkeys. It does feel somewhat as though it's hanging over me. I just worry about all the follow up questions which will enevitably come

SandyY2K Wed 11-Jan-17 14:18:15

What's the difference between escort and prostitute?

I'm asking, because initially when you said escort, I didn't think it was definetly sexual, as some just go on dates, but you've made it clear it was sexual.

If you want an honest lasting relationship, then be honest, because the truth nearly always comes out.

MichelleNeedsMore Wed 11-Jan-17 14:23:01

Sandy the difference is not all escorts have sex - most do tbh. I tended to meet for drinks initially, and often went out for meals and attended events as a partner

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 11-Jan-17 14:24:18

I think I'd tell him; because otherwise it'll always feel like it's between you waiting to be discovered, and it's likely to become a bigger deal the longer that you wait.

It's your decision, though. As long as you're comfortable and can live with whatever your decision is, it was the right decision.

sonjadog Wed 11-Jan-17 14:37:57

I think I would tell him. I think if you are going to build a solid future together you need to be able to be open about the good and the bad in your life. Everyone who has lived a while has baggage from the past, we all have done things that we are less proud of. I actually think how he reacts is a good measure of whether or not he really is the man for you. Because if he reacts judgmentally or is nasty to you about it, then it is as well to find that out as soon as possible, isn´t it? So you know who you really are getting involved with.

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