Dh and I haven't been great for a long time. We have had marriage counselling but it didn't help.
He still very much wants to stay married, be happy together and all that comes with it. But for me I just can't flick that switch. I wish i could but the idea of being intimate with him now makes me feel ill. I could cry saying that because i know how hurtful that must be for him as he still wants me.
I have told him how i feel. Not in those words obviously but that i dont want him in that way. He keeps trying to fix things by bringing me flowers or trying to kiss/hug me but it just makes me feel so under pressure.
I have asked if we can try and be friends and just co parent the dc because neither of us wants to tear our family apart and also we cannot afford to live seperately.
We are in seperate rooms atm but he is struggling with it. Whereas i am feeling at least i can sleep and relax going to bed knowing i don't need to feel on edge wondering if my leg touches him by accident in the night will he try it on etc.
Argh the whole thing is horrible. I don't want to hurt him but he keeps thinking he can 'fix' it and im worried that by trying to limit the damage i am giving him false hope? I have said - i dont want a marital intimate relationship with you anymore. He just says he will try hard to be just friends but he can't do it forever, that he needs to know there is hope and that he is on the right track. I've told him i cant tell him if i will ever want anything more but at the momemt i don't.
sometimes i just wish he'd meet someone else that he could be happy with
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Can it ever work co-parenting as friends
inmyshoos · 11/01/2017 11:20
This is my second marriage so know only too well how painful divorce is.
We have tried counselling but it made no difference. Dh won't open up. He just goes into work mode and if i am honest I am past the trying stage. There was a time i was desperate for it to work because i wanted things to work between us but now i just want to protect my dc. I already have a child who lives apart from his df. I know the difficulties with this. The heartbreak. I just feel i want to run away. What a mess
No i don't. I really don't adora but the thought of causing so much pain makes me feel like i want to throw up.
I've made such a fucking mess of things. How could i have got it so wrong
Thank you for your post, NFiftyTwo. It's very interesting to hear how you coped with a similar situation.
If I am reading your posts right, OP it sounds as though you are experiencing a lot of guilt? Something that I have found helps with the guilty feelings is encouraging and enabling my DH to spend time with his friends and re-invest in the relationships that were important to him before we married 5 years ago. He's also had some enjoyable holidays alone, or visiting friends overseas. I encourage him to go to the gym, play sport etc so that he can be at his fittest and most attractive when we do separate. I'd genuinely love him to meet a lovely partner. In terms of sex, he knows he's got a free pass - I've told him he can have the time and privacy to play away, but he still says he only wants us.
Thanks for all the replies.
littleoyster i sm a sahm and have been for so long now the idea of finding employment is so daunting. Also we live so rurally and with 3 young dc - what job could possibly fit in with this? School holidays? Kids off sick? It scares the hell out of me. But i will be looking.
It is good to know i am not the only one in this situation. Feels less lonely.
We are in seperate bedrooms and i have said in absolute clear terms that any sort of intimacy is not happening.
dawnfawn it is reassuring to hear that you have come out the other side relayively unscathed. How was your dh initially when you said it was over?
nfifty good to hear from the other side. I am trying so hard too limit the damage. I don't want to hurt my dh anymore than i have done. I want him to be happy too. I hate that i am not happy with him. He is a nice guy. Just not the one for me. I really don't wsnt to get into my having to gonover with him ALL the reasons i fell out of love with him, ALL the reasons he isnt the one for me because it is horrible. He cant help how he is. There will be no one else while we are together. Or anytime soon. I am empty. I have nothing left to give anyone at the moment.
spam i have felt unhappy for a few years but it came to a head last march. We went away together for a weekend and i really had to pysche myself up to have sex with him. He then really pissed me off over something really trivial and since then its like a switch has been flicked. I had to say something because he is quite needy and i felt suffocated to the point where my mental health is/was suffering.
littleoyster i do encourage dh to do stuff but he won't. He has one best mate bug he lives 200 miles away! He has some Daddy frirnds but no one special! I have a lot of friends and i like socialising. This means i constantly feel guilty about spending time away from him because he never does it. But i NEED it. I feel so suffocated. I told him last night - take a weekend off, go away buf he wont. Sometimes i feel i can't breathe.
Also a SAHM, so I hear what you're saying about finding employment daunting... Easier for me though because I live in London, so at least there are jobs available and transport to get to them. I'm always plotting how I can manage to make enough money to set me and DD up independently - it's going to take a few years but I am determined to do it. That feeling of suffocation that you describe it's just horrendous - I really can't live with it much longer.
It's good you encourage your DH to get out and see friends (you sound lovely, by the way 
). If he decides not to take up those opportunities, that's not your fault. I'm glad you have a good circle of friends. Can you talk to them about this? It sounds as though your mental health is under a lot of strain. Being trapped is one of the most stressful things a creature can experience - don't underestimate the impact it can have on your health. You absolutely need that time away from the home, with your friends, etc. Don't feel guilty!
stripes did you end it 3 yrs ago and your ex is still crying about it or did i read that wrong? I could not cope with that. Dh getting upset now is hard enough. Like you my dh has done lots of things that have got us to this point. Problem is they are not 'obvious' things, more just how he is (lazy, clumsy, forgetful, makes bad decisions) and he always feels he has tried 'his best'. Unfortunately i have come to the conclusion that his best will never cut it for me. I just cant live with being the one to sort everything. It makes me feel like the man in the relationship - fixing the car etc and it has made him less and less attractive to me. It's like having an extra child.
How are things with you oyster? What sort of job are you doing/looking for? Do you have friends that you can talk to? I do but i know dh doesnt. So he goes through life pretending which helps with his 'bury the head in the sand' approach to difficulties. Does your dh know how you are feeling? Are you still in the same bed? We aren't. I just don't want ANY kind of physical contact with him. He is trying really hard just now and whilst it's easier to live with, it's a bit grating because maybe if he was this helpful and attentive for the past 10 yrs perhaps things wouldnt have gotten so bad. As it is, i don't see the switch flicking.
You sound like you have a clear plan oyster. How do you cope at the moment? Are you and your dh good friends?
I have good days and bad days, *OP. Thanks for asking . I have a couple of very close friends who I can talk openly to, but they are childless so struggle to understand why I don't 'just leave'. DH and I sleep apart, and have done for about a year. It means I have to sleep every night on the sofa bed in our living room, but for me that is preferable to the marital bed for exactly the reasons you outlined in your post. We were in counselling earlier this year and reached an impasse. Since that time I have been clear with him that there will never be a resumption of sexual/romantic relations - like you, I don't believe the switch will ever flip back. I have told him that I don't believe our marriage can endure, but he would like to keep trying which, ostensibly at least, is what we're doing now.
My plan is to get a place on a graduate training scheme as a mature entrant. I'm 34 and way, way behind in career terms, but absolutely have to earn good money as housing is ££££ in my area. I have had to completely readjust my attitude to money, and what kinds of jobs I would consider. However, first I must finish off my PhD which I started before I became pregnant (have about a year to go).
In the meantime, we rub along ok on a day-to-day basis. We're good friends, although I am not sure this will last through a separation as under pressure he can become extremely nasty. But he's fundamentally a decent man; pitches in with the childcare and is generally pretty cheerful. It could be much worse.
Hi oyster I have good days and bad too. Today is bad. Dh had a meltdown on Sat because we had words. I have asked him for space. To stop with the constant trying to touch me, hug me, kiss me etc but he just can't do it. I feel angry, sick, frustrated. It's like being stalked. He moved the dinner plates at the table Fri night so he could sit beside me. I told him Sat morning that things like that are not him giving me space but infact the complete opposite and he flipped out. I just can't take anymore. If i wasn't so worried abput his reaction i would ask him to go. I feel sick. I can't eat and feel like i cant get a deep breath. He keeps asking what is wrong? Why we can't be happy together? That he is not a bad guy. That he is not some monster. I have never told him he is any of these things but he is controlling and difficult in many ways. I wish i could wave a magic wand and be out of this. He is off work Tuesday. I need to find the words and just be brave.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment, OP. 
So what is stopping you pulling the trigger on a separation? Is it the fear of how on earth you'd manage as a single mum, or is it a fear of upsetting your DH, and how he'd react?
It sounds to me as though you are a very fair-minded and compassionate person. You've spoken very well of your husband, but if he has continued to touch you after you've made it clear that you don't want that, then that is really not on. You don't owe him your body, and you don't owe him your life, health and happiness. You made vows in good faith, tried your best, but unfortunately it has not worked out. He'll have to come to terms with that, as lots of other people in similar situations have had to, and start taking responsibility for his own happiness.
Could counselling (joint and/or individual) help you to assert yourself, come to terms with where you are, and find a way forward?
What you are saying about your DH being a good guy, but at the same time you finding him controlling and difficult resonates with me in many ways. My DH is a lovely, lovely bloke in the eyes of the world, but at the same time I find it almost impossible to ask him for help with domestic tasks, talk to him about money, raise relationship problems, etc. It makes me feel confused. Sometimes I feel as though I am going crazy!
Thanks guys. We talking now and civil at the moment thank goodness. Lots of tears but also feel relieved a bit too. He has called in sick today and will take rest of week off. It is so bloody hard. For both of us despite being ultimately my decision.
Thanks for the support guys
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.