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Talking about Exs - men versus women

(19 Posts)
Markb123 Wed 11-Jan-17 09:10:37

I thought I'd start a thread on this, it may well have been asked before, but I am interested in thoughts on here from everyone. I am a man by the way so looking for a woman's point of view as well.

It's discussing with your present partner about things that happened in the past with an Ex BF/GF. It's something that came up yesterday when I mentioned that at my wedding with my ExW there was only ye olde film cameras and no digital ones. DP then said she could do without me reminiscing about my wedding. Thinking about it overnight she has in the past said about the following:

- When driving to a city she commented that she's spent a naughty weekend there with an Ex BF ("We never left the hotel room")
- Once when mentioned a sexual fantasy of mine DP commented that she'd done it with an Ex
- Comments about proposals she has had from Ex BF

Now I'm not sure what is classed as "reminiscing" and what is just comments on things, but really I can't see why I need to know the frankly TMI stuff. But I believe that women in general are likely to talk about this kind of stuff commonly. And yet it is frowned upon for men to talk about it. Is it a general women think differently on the past than men?

TheMortificadosDragon Wed 11-Jan-17 09:12:56

Maybe the difference in her mind is that yours was an ex wife not just girlfriend?

AllPowerfulLizardPerson Wed 11-Jan-17 09:13:38

No, you cannot generalise.

And if your specific issue is that you feel communication between you and DO feels unbalanced, you to tell her what you do not like her saying (using the same terms as she uses to you). There is no point in being a silent martyr.

Coffeegrain Wed 11-Jan-17 09:14:30

Personally I wouldn't discuss details which would upset or compromise my relationship with my current partner and I'd expect the same. Unless it was directly asked..
I have found that ex boyfriends have done this so I don't believe it is more specific to 1 gender! smile

PyongyangKipperbang Wed 11-Jan-17 09:21:26

I have known men and women who are like this, so I think it is her rather than women in general. An ex of mine seemed to be of the opinion that it was ok for him to have a past but my life should only have started when I met him and would get very stroppy if it turned out I had been somewhere or done something with someone else. But he would drag it out! I would say "Oh I went to X once it was really nice" and he would insist on knowing who I went with and then get a strop on when I said it was an ex. Only went out with him for a few months, too much like hard work.

I suggest you point out to her that you not talking about it wont make your past disappear, and she either needs to get over the fact that you were married and that you had some nice times together or find someone who has never had a previous relationship.

Tenshidarkangel Wed 11-Jan-17 09:24:44

I'm going with a pang of jealousy hit her.

PyongyangKipperbang Wed 11-Jan-17 09:27:32

Had to read that twice Tens!

I assume you mean that she was hit by a pang of jealousy and not suggesting he belts her one?! grin

WannaBe Wed 11-Jan-17 09:33:05

TBH I think it's far preferable to talk about the better times in a marriage than to spend time slagging off the ex. I've talked about my wedding/places we went on holiday etc I don't see that as reminiscing - it's where I came from and is part of a past I shouldn't have to brush out just because it might make someone uncomfortable.

I do think the sex talk etc is unnecessary though. That's just stuff that doesn't need sharing. My ex did some of that sometimes talking about his ex and the things they did and even announced in company once how great she was iyswim, a statement which produced horrified and stunned silence before friend told him he was out of order. Actually I think he never did it again after that. grin.

If you are uncomfortable with her talking about their dirty weekends though then I would tell her that in no uncertain terms. And you would not be being unreasonable.

mulberrybag Wed 11-Jan-17 09:33:47

PyongyangKipperbang grin

TheNaze73 Wed 11-Jan-17 09:35:46

I'd laugh it off. Everyone is entitled to a past & she needs to deal with it. Sounds like you're a bit different.
If it doesn't bother you, don't sweat the small stuff. Don't volunteer anything to her, just be honest if she asks

mumofthemonsters808 Wed 11-Jan-17 09:48:36

I'm quite secretive over this type of thing, memories may pop in my head about an ex but I certainly don't tell my OH. If I do it's unintentionally, I remember when David Bowie died, me and my OH were talking about where we'd seen him play, he was adamant it was one venue and I was adamant it was another, halfway through the conversation I realised it was not him I was even there with, it was an ex boyfriend. It made me smile, the fact that I'd got my boyfriends mixed up, it's not like I've had hundreds.i think these memories are mine and not his, so I don't see the point in telling him the details.

My friend is the opposite, she takes great delight in telling her DP details of past liaisons, even though they were twenty years ago, she speaks about them as though they were yesterday. I get embarrassed when she starts mentioning other men's names in front of him and I get the impression she gets some sort of kick, by letting him know, that in the past other man have fancied her.Or maybe I've read it wrong and full disclosure is needed in relationships, not for me though, but I'm quite a private person.

interestedparty12 Wed 11-Jan-17 10:13:12

Yes it's an odd one this one, I had a girlfriend who kept mentioning all sorts of intimate moments with men plural. I think she thought it was good as she was saying I was better than them, but really it just resulted in me picturing her with lots of ex partners lol. Probably I should have let it slide a bit....

LesisMiserable Wed 11-Jan-17 11:56:55

I think its a fairly common trait of insecure people who hoping to encourage a jealous reaction. Talking about your previous wonderful sex encounters is basically a heads up to your partner that they need to measure up, and talking about previous proposals is a bid to convince you they were/ are in demand. Why do they need to convince you? Because they're feeling insecure.

BumDNC Wed 11-Jan-17 12:07:03

I would never talk about sex things or want to hear them! but we do talk about places we went or things we did. I totally accept he was married before me and she gave him children and loved each other once upon a time. I hope he affords the same for me, I talk about my ex but we try to keep it light and away from negative moaning.

Markb123 Wed 11-Jan-17 12:23:31

Thanks for all the replies, useful to get other's views on this. LesisMiserable - very interesting view as she does worry she is insecure and maybe that is why she brings up these things. I don't believe I get jealous over her comments so if she is looking for a reaction I'm not sure what I should be doing lol. (If I don't get jealous then why post this thread might be a question people think, but it was mainly to see if others had seen this difference in view point)

LesisMiserable Wed 11-Jan-17 12:48:03

It's probably because you don't get jealous that she ups the ante.

But please don't change a thing about yourself. Next time she mentions her ex's in a sexual way stop in her tracks with something neutral.

"My ex and I had a great night in that hotel there".

"That's cool. It looks like a really nice hotel".

"Yeh, we never stopped all night."

"Maybe we should go there, is the restaurant any good?"

..and so on... until she gets the message that you could bite if you wanted to, but you're not going to. She'll go either way. She'll stop doing it or she'll question why you're not jealous if she gets really desperate at which point you can point out "We're together now, the past isn't really relevant".

It's her insecurities and she needs to deal with them.

Purplebluebird Wed 11-Jan-17 13:56:39

I never mention sex stuff from my past to my other half, but I do occasionally mention things I've done or places I've been with my ex. He is the same. I reckon she got jealous for a moment, and "snapped" a bit. I think as time goes on, she might get more secure and not so bothered about comments like that. She probably overreacted a bit.

Markb123 Wed 11-Jan-17 14:18:50

Thanks LesisMiserable really useful - I like the bit about not changing myself, as I wondered if I needed to respond in kind to try to stop it but your approach is much more constructive and positive.

And I hope you're not miserable as your username suggest smile

LesisMiserable Wed 11-Jan-17 15:32:32

I'm positively gleeful grin

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