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Why is he doing these things? Please help

(6 Posts)
Shakemyfaith Wed 11-Jan-17 02:36:27

Hi
I just wrote a thread but I don't think it was very clear. So I'll try again.
I'm 29 and my oh is also 29
We have two children 2 and 11

Background
We married in 2012, in a foolish whirlwind romance. I hardly knew him but I was vulnerable at the time. My son in care and recovering from a second attempt at suicide. My mum was ill when Iet him Inow Dec. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. Everything came to a head in April 2014. I just had our baby, recovering from finding out he was on sex hook up sites until just after baby was born. Not new behaviour just thought we had moved on.
My husband decided when I went on maternity leave to join a mlm company. We struggled. He wouldn't let me pay rent so Jan we started receiving notice. Just to note I used to work.in housing and benefits. So understood some of the issue.we ended up separating due to this issue. We have been separate since 2015

Serious issues arose and we went to a place of safety in Feb 2016.

Due to weakening in my conviction of my husband. We made a new attempt to work on our marriage.
Current issues

Is he cheating on me?
It probably doesn't matter but it something that bothers me.
What does he gain from gaslighting me?
How do I begin to move on?
Are my children safe with him?

I have done some things but just need some Wisdomain. I have seen your amazing advice offered. Hope I may be blessed the same way.
Thanks

Aquamarine1029 Wed 11-Jan-17 02:39:18

Stay as far away from him as possible and work on forming your own future. Your marriage is over, as it should be.

Shakemyfaith Wed 11-Jan-17 02:44:47

I have called 101 to talk to them. They'll be around Monday. I really needed some perspective before all I have is his and mine. I'm hoping to get away again but worrying about the children. Am I over reacting that's my worry

seven201 Wed 11-Jan-17 03:54:20

I don't understand what the exact current problem is? Is that covered in your other thread? Why did you call 101? Has he threatened you or the kids or something?

Not knowing the current goings on but just from your other list of problems he sounds like a man to not be with! You are worth much more than this. You do not want a role model like him as a father. Or rather I suppose you don't want your kids to see you treated badly as maybe he puts of a good show for the kids. I have no idea what he'd be like with the kids apart from you. What's he like with them? Also, just checking, the 11 year old is not his? The 11 year old is no longer in care?

Your post screams to me that you know that he is not good to be with but you just want confirmation that you're right to feel that way. I absolutely think (from the small snapshot) that you should separate and not let him back into your life again.

Shakemyfaith Wed 11-Jan-17 08:00:53

Thank you for reading and responding.
It was in my old thread.
I agree I'm looking for clarity but mainly regarding my children. Sorry for not putting all in first post. There's a lot that has happened and wasn't sure which was relevant.
He's method of abuse has changed and uses gaslighting etc. I think he's probably cheating but I will never know because he lies and only leaves breadcrumbs of info. I believe it's deliberate as there is always hints and accidentally left open pages, texts etc.
I stopped asking him about them as it would just be minimised and focus put back on me.
I will divorce which he is saying he is okay with etc but bearing in mind when we separated in 2014 after a while he also seemed accepting but showed bizarre behaviour. Showing up for contact outside I.e1 park, restaurants late, but knowing where I would be if we moved and showing up at my house. Towards end of November 2015 was jumping at shadows, really spooked. Nothing massive happened but lots of small bizaree behaviour. Got help and went to refuge. But I stayed in contact with family who didn't get emotional or verbal abuse and my conviction regarding concern for me and children lessened so resumed trying to fix marriage.

Now I'm just being cautious talking to police. Just first step. My son is back home with Me but I have a lot of worry regarding ss. Some not unfounded based on getting back with husband despite citing concerns before.

My husband gets on well with children. His tolerance of different things I.e behaviour, eating etc changes alot and puts me in an odd position of trying to stop them doing something and then when they do he has done a total 180 so I look like i'm super strict etc. His boundaries can be weird and due to our relationship don'task him about this anymore. He says I'm his dad I can do what I want, and it's cultural.
I have my gut instinct that tells me to keep my children away but no actual proof. I don't trust him alone with them but have at times let him have them as felt I was over thinking, being unfair, just punishing kids, they enjoy their time etc.
I just don't have any proof, he does act weird with my youngest but no proof. Some things are off with my youngest but it's not enough to stop contact and could be explained.
He hasn't had them on his own overnight but he might take them out etc.

Last time I tried to discuss formal contact arrangements. He changed from being fun and kind hubby to outside my house at odd hours etc. He lives far but works in a job which means he has flexible hours and can be near-by for his work. Making weird threats. Based on things I know about him. He scared me to the point I was making prayers for if I don't make it to the next morning. Yet no physical violence took place.

It's not that bad this time because I haven't discussed contact. He believes he will have contact every other weekend etc. On the surface i see no reason to not go along but my gut says my children especially my youngest is not safe. Despite all my contrary behaviour.

What would you do?
I gave contacted 101. Any insight would be great.

seven201 Wed 11-Jan-17 11:02:40

I have no experience in this area but I would definitely contact the women's refuge again and go from there. Be strong, for you and your children.

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